I'm Just A Child

(Written through the eyes of my daughter)

I’m brand new to this world,

But I have something to say to you,

A plea of sorts from my little heart to yours,

Right now, all I know is love,

Mommy and Daddy fight all my battles,

They make all my decisions and tend to all my needs,

All I know is love and family who adores me,

One day though I’ll grow up,

We all know how that time goes way too quick,

I’ll find out about you… I’ll wonder where you are,

I won’t understand the turmoil, pain or fights,

Or why mommy and you don’t get along,

It will all be confusion in my young mind,

I will wonder if I mattered to you, why you never met me,

I won’t understand what kept you away,

Or even really know who you are,

That’s why today I’ll simply ask you this,

Remember, I’m just a child,

All I know is love,

I won’t understand why you aren’t here, why you never met me,

No matter how you try to explain it someday when I’m all grown up,

It will never be clear in my mind, I’ll always have questions,

I’ll always wonder where you were,

I don’t care who is wrong or who is right,

I’ll never know what happened ten years in the past,

I am your chance to start brand new,

Your chance to dig down and pull out the love you have,

I could be the start of a whole new world,

One in which we could all be near,

But I’m little and you are big,

You are the one who gets to decide the future,

Please remember, I’m just a child,

I’m your granddaughter, your niece, your family line,

I have your blood running through my veins,

I wonder if I have any of your features,

Or what we’d have in common,

I wonder what life would be like if the past was set aside,

But I’m just a child and it’s not for me to decide,

The future will play out as big people make choices,

Just remember, those choices affect me, and you…

Please think hard, don’t let more time slip by without me,

This is my plea to you, give me a chance, a chance to know you,
To love and be loved by you...

~KrissElise

"Officially" A Mom

As I sit here writing tonight I am holding my beautiful, almost two-week-old little girl. It's crazy to me how fast time flies. People keep asking me how it feels to be a mom now.. in my mind I've been a mom for the last 9+ months. From the first ecstatic moment that I found out we were expecting a baby, the first time I got to hear her heartbeat, the look on her daddy's face the first time we got to see her on an ultrasound, feeling her first movements, worrying, praying and watching her grow... to the moment that the doctor walked in the room and told me that in about an hour I would have my baby girl.... it has been the most amazing experience ever.  

I had planned for a natural birth but because of circumstances as I went into labor, the doctor thought it safest for both baby and myself that she come sooner rather than later. I had never been hospitalized before, never had any operations and initially the thought of having a C-section terrified me. But in the moment as I sought out God I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I had amazing doctors and nurses who immediately started all the preparations for surgery and my amazing husband there by my side. 

In the operation room I tried not to think about the fact that I couldn't move the lower half of my body, (Yes, I'm a little claustrophobic) I found it really strange that I couldn't feel myself breathe so it almost felt like I wasn't and the pain medication made me super nauseous. My husband sat right there though and was my focal point. I focused on his face, his eyes as he reassured me that I was doing great. It seemed like only minutes when I heard our baby's first cries. That moment.... there's nothing that can beat that. Seeing your perfect little angel after 9 long months... I cried. Her dad brought her over so I could touch her while they closed my incision. Afterwards, we were taken to a post operation room and our baby girl got some time with her daddy while I was attempting to recover from all the medication. That was the worst part of all. If you've never been super nauseous and vomiting constantly right after having your stomach muscles cut open you cannot imagine... they gave me some medicine to combat nausea and it sort of started working. I got to hold my baby girl and feed her for the first time. 

Right there, watching my newborn baby cling to me, seeing the adoration in my husband's eyes as he held my hand and kissed my forehead I felt completely unworthy. And that's the thing about life. I don't deserve any of this. The amazing life I have, the incredible husband, the beautiful daughter... and yet the Lord of all chose me, handpicked these blessings for me and gave them freely. I realize that being a mom and rasing my child and future children, bringing them up in the Lord will be the most important job I will ever have. 

Later that morning our families came up to visit and during the following couple days while baby and I remained in the hospital we had some friends up. One of the most repetitive questions I am asked is what it's like being a mom. I'm never quite sure how to respond to that as I have a million different emotions. Part of me is terrified that somehow I'll mess up, I'll fail her, but the other part of me feels incredibly grateful to be able to give my little girl all the love in the world. I will make mistakes as a parent but I will do my absolute best to let her know how absolutely adored she is and always will be. I feel so blessed to have a great man who will be and already is an amazing daddy and who has been by my side the entire time. I'm excited that my girl will get to know what it feels like to be close to her dad, loved and cherished. And also I think it will be healing. Opening up new doors and giving her all that I didn't have growing up. Knowing that I can create a safe and loving atmosphere for her to grow up in, to make mistakes, to succeed, to rise and fall, to leave and come back knowing that there's nothing she could ever do to separate her from the love in my heart. 

Being a mom is the best thing ever. I wouldn't change it for the world. The moment she took her first breathe my whole world changed in a way that I will never be able to explain with words. As my baby wakes up to eat for the ten millionth time today, I will leave you with this.... love your children. Love them, adore them, forgive them... because if you wait too long that chance will be gone. Read them a story, get down on the floor, take them to lunch, throw the baseball... spend time with them. Listen to them. Cherish them.

~KrissElise

Promise Me

In the shadow of the cold November rain she stood,

Fingers running softly across the deep mahogany wood,

A single tear slipped down her face,

Breathing in the smell of the freshly dug earth,

Silently holding a single white rose,

“I don’t know what to say,” her words but a whisper,

“All these years I hoped and prayed,

Now all I have is questions as I stand here at your grave,

Why you taught me how to live without you, I’ll never understand,

Over this time you’ve become a stranger I hardly know,

I really thought that one day you’d change your mind,”

“Now in a moment I’ll step away,

Give them the word and they’ll lower you into the ground,

In my world, you died the day you walked away,

But today the hope that one day you’d come back is gone,

All my questions will remain as now it’s my turn, to walk away,”

Tears slid down her face, grieving for who he could have been,

As she watched them lower the casket seven feet deep,

“I’ll never in all my life understand, not why you didn’t love me…”

Her gaze turned to the four young children standing quietly with their dad,

“But why you used me as a reason to not love them,”

White rose fell from her hands and she turned away,

Her husband stepped forward and wrapped her in his embrace,

“Baby you know you can’t stop the hands of death,

Though I know you’d give your all just to give him one more chance,”

She buried her face in his chest,

With a sob she said, 

“Promise me you will always love them, even when they mess up,

No matter how far away they go that you’ll welcome them home,

Promise me you will always be their daddy”

She looked up into his eyes which glistened with unshed tears,

“Of course baby, I will always love them,”

And he squeezed her tight.

~Kriss Elise

 

And... Life Keeps Changing!

It's been a bit since I've blogged last, and since then our life has taken a new turn. We are expecting our first child in January! We couldn't be more excited to start our family! Thankfully in the terms of pregnancy, I have gotten by relatively easy so far. In two weeks we have our 17-week checkup and should be able to find out if we are welcoming a little boy or a little girl into the world. I have to say these last couple months have been a challenge and a growing experience. As for my husband, he has been incredible. I could not be more blessed to have such a patient, gentle, loving man walking through life and pregnancy with me. He's dealt with me crying for no reason (which he still doesn't understand) mood swings, fatigue, nausea and the list goes on with more gentleness and love than I could have ever expected. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing father my child has even before he or she is born.


I've served in ministry in many ways, from cleaning the church, being a youth leader and going on mission trips overseas and now, I realize my greatest mission of all is just beginning. Teaching, leading and raising my children to be godly followers of Christ. It terrifies me and excites me all at once. In fact in church last Sunday I was overwhelmed to the point of tears when we were singing the hymn "Pour it Out" I've heard the song before but in that moment the depth of it really hit me.

"Oh the depths of Your mercy
That saves a wretch like me
And the waves of forgiveness
Your blood that covers me

Pour it out
Pour it out

Oh the weight of Your glory
That brings me to my knees
And the power of Your presence
That heals and sets me free

I will worship I will love You
I will lift You up
Give You honor praise and glory
I will pour it out"

It was kind of like seeing my life flash before my eyes, the depths of His mercy, the waves of His forgiveness, the weight of glory, the power of His presence.... all which set me free. I saw who I was as a teenager, one who was deemed hopeless. A victim of sexual assault, bitter at the world, a girl with a rough past, confused and alone, headed down the wrong path... my life should have spiraled downhill, but for mercy and grace. Jesus stepped in, he sent me guardian angels in the form of a family, to help me navigate through life and onto a better road. I only needed a taste of that... a taste of the love, freedom, grace, mercy, forgiveness... and it was water to a parched soul, like none other I'd ever tasted. This water promised life. A beautiful, thriving life. I set my eyes on that and never looked back.

I could have followed who people told me I was, I could have fallen into being a "victim", I could have stayed on the path I was on, let myself be defined by the past, by my mistakes, by the mistakes of my childhood parents. I could have followed any path, but for the strength in which I possess through Christ.... here I am.

Married to the man of my dreams, the man God chose for me years ago, living a full and thriving life, growing daily in my relationship with Christ. I am surrounded by family who loves me, and I'm preparing to welcome my child into this world. I am excited about life, the future, becoming a better wife and being a mom. My past, it has no hold over me, it does not define who I am or who I can become. Did it take me time and struggles to get her? Yes. But I am living proof that God can take a broken, shattered life and make it whole and beautiful. No matter how rough your past, how deep the pit, how broken and messed up you think you are, a life is never too far gone for God to redeem to recreate into a beautiful masterpiece.

I am overwhelmed, brought to my knees in humble gratitude, honor, and adoration for my Abba Father, for my Lord. He is my life, my every breath, I owe all to him. 

~Kriss Elise

Our beautiful baby at 12 weeks

 

Reflecting On My Love

This morning I sit out here breathing in the beautiful Montana air. It's my quiet time, time with God, time to write, time to reflect. My husband is off to another ten hour day of work and that's where I find my mind wandering. To the man that just a few short months ago stood at the alter and promised his love to me. The man who I believe is the greatest in the world. I don't post about him all the time on social media, he's not my mcm on instagram, you don't see a million pictures of us making out... because most of the time I like to keep what we have between us, the sacredness of it hidden away not splayed for the world to see, comment or like. But sometimes I'm so overwhelmed, so moved that I must write, and I must share with you all what a good husband is like. 

My husband is not perfect. He is human. He makes mistakes. He gets frustrated. He is my hero. When God handpicked him out for me, he knew he was the perfect one for me to grow with for the rest of my life. We have already come so far in our relationship and marriage in such a short time and a lot of that is due to the amazing man my husband is. 

In January we are expecting our first child, we couldn't be more excited! With that being said... pregnancy is not always easy. Here's the thing that a lot of people forget though and I've been guilty of it myself. People tend to focus on how hard it is for the woman, how much it affects her. You never hear of how hard it is for the husband. He has dealt with the crazy mood swings, the extreme fatigue when all I wanted to do was sleep. He's been so patient and kind throughout me crying over little things, or not knowing why I'm crying at all. He's the one who is constantly there to reassure me, to calm my racing mind. He's been a champ throughout the whole time I've felt sick and moody. Always checking in to see how I'm feeling and what he can do for me. Reminding me that I'm beautiful when I don't feel like it. Reminding me of all I do for our family when I feel like all I've done was lay on the couch. A lot of guys don't know how to deal with a pregnant woman or can't and remain a little distant. Not mine, he's been right there through each week. He loves our baby and I think that is the most precious thing. Many times it is hard for the dad to bond with and unborn child, sometimes even for the mom but to see his love, to hear him ask about the baby, or talk to the baby who can't even hear yet.... makes me want to cry. My child is going to be so lucky to have such an amazing dad. 

All the while he's working long hours to provide for us, spending his time off fixing things around the house, preparing for the baby, taking care of the yard, and still making time to spend with me. Then on Sunday we go worship God together with other believers and every week, I'm reminded of how blessed I am. There are truly no words to describe all that he does for me, all that he is, all that he wants to do. He supports me, he is patient, kind, gentle... he wants to give me the world, but he doesn't realize that he is my world. 

Take a moment this week to reflect and ponder on all the things that your husband does that often go unappreciated and unnoticed. Thank him for it. Remind him of how much he means to you and how lucky you are to be his wife. 

I waited on God, and he gave me a man better than all my dreams. 

~KrissElise

She Loved The Storm

Arms outstretched, standing in the open field,
Wind tearing wildly through her hair,
She loved the storm, she was born that way,
The frozen rain came down in a fury,
Pain and scars left in it's wake,
Trees crashed in the forest, branches flew,
Yet there she stood, unfazed,

The barn silhouetted against the sky a short distance off,
Livestock watching beneath the shelter of it's roof,
Neighbors called out from their houses,
Pleading her to seek safety and warmth,
Yet the girl remained, despite the pain,
Because she loved the storm,

They all said she was crazy, maybe she was,
Rumor had it she was a little broken, a little disturbed,
One thing was clear, she loved with no reserve,
Perhaps that's why she stayed,
Thunder deafening the silent night,
Lighting bolts electrify the sky,

Nobody really knows where she came from,
Her story stayed behind closed doors,
Locked in a dark past where she emerged,
All anybody could really say is she knew how to love,
She just didn't know how to stop.

One last roll of thunder,
One last streak of lighting,
The field was lit ablaze,
Charred wet grass, rainbow in the sky,
Her wild soul met it's fate,

In the dark shadows they stood unseen,
Why did we let her go? Why didn't we fight? They asked,
In the end, what was so important about always being right?

No clock to turn back the hands of time,
Just empty space to return,
No more pleas for love or time,
No phone calls, texts, or days to wait,

The time was gone and so was she,
Only one question left unanswered,
What about her was so broken,
That she wasn't worth loving? 

~KrissElise

Five things I've learned in the first month of my marriage.

1. If you strive for a godly marriage, Satan will fight you. To put it simply.... when we strive towards God, we threaten Satan. He wants to distract us from God's will. He wants to break apart marriages, create mistrust and doubt. And I've come to find out in the short time that I have been engaged and married that it will come in the ways you least expect it. It will come out of the blue. Don't be surprised. Be ready.

2. A strong prayer life is essential. (If you don't have one, now is a great time to start.) It's actually a great part of what brought my husband and I together, kept us together and will keep us together for the rest of our lives on earth. Prayer is kind of like wifi, except more powerful. Wifi connects us to other people, the world, Google (what would we do without Google? or Siri) It connects businesses, social networking, shopping, now days you can pretty much do anything online. Adopt a dog, ship animals overseas or find a life partner. But prayer is a connection to the all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty God. Through prayer people are healed, lives are changed, marriages saved, hearts won for Christ.... the list goes on. It's powerful because its a straight connection that we have as sons and daughters to our Abba Father. Through the good and the bad, joyful and heartbreaking, prayer is a solid foundation that ties us together and to God. It's a place we can turn when all hope seems lost, when we are needing help, grace, love, comfort and simply when we are overwhelmed with gratitude.

3. Communication is key. It doesn't matter what you are doing in life. If you are doing it with other people than communicate, communicate, communicate cannot be said enough. It's something that can be hard for me because I grew up independent. Into my teen and early adult years I was my own person, made my own decisions. I watched out for myself because I realized nobody else was going to. I was used to doing things my own way and keeping much to myself. Now I have to constantly work on making sure I am communicating with my husband. Though it's a struggle sometimes, the more we communicate the stronger our marriage is and the closer together we are to each other.

4. You are never alone. (He's always watching you) Haha, I'm kidding. Mostly. ;) When I married my best friend I didn't fully understand what that meant. I'm not sure I do even now. It means I will always have somebody in my corner. I have somebody who will always have my back, wipe away my tears and pick me up when I fall down. I have somebody to make sure I eat, don't step on glass walking outside barefoot and don't run out of gas in my car. Somebody to talk to, be a listening ear, hold me and keep me warm on a rainy day. A shelter from life's blows and a partner to overcome every challenge with. One to share memories, joys and holidays. Somebody to pester, annoy and joke with. I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to know that I'll never be alone. What it's like to wake up in the morning and start the day with somebody by my side and to fall asleep with at night. 

5. Marriage is like life. Mixed up, crazy, and one hell of a ride. But it's so much more than worth it. It won't be like you imagined, dreamed or expected. But you learn as you go, you trust God, you love and you make memories and create a life together.

6. Yes I said five but this one is too good to pass up. Social media is overrated. The person who used to be an avid Facebook user faded into the unknown. Why? Because when you are watching a movie with your husband or out on a date, you don't really care if Facebook knows what movie you are watching or where you are eating. That picture you snapped of your handsome husband playing guitar... you suddenly feel like you want to keep that moment private between the two of you, tucked away in a box of photos to reminisce over one day or show to your kids. Life becomes much more private, special and intimate. Yes, I will brag about how great my husband is once in awhile but you won't see tons of cutesy pictures, he won't be my man crush Monday, there won't be long drawn out posts weekly about all he's done because I will be too busy telling him. Don't get me wrong, if we are out to coffee and you ask how he is, I won't miss a chance to tell about how great he is. But as good as social media can be, it's cheapening relationships, stealing intimacy and turning the words we should be telling our spouse into little paragraphs online for our hundreds of friends to see and like, stealing the special moment that otherwise might have been shared between two people and captured into a memory. 

So there you go. Short post. A few things about what I've learned in this journey so far. I am so excited to see where the next month, year, decade take us. What I learn and how God shows up. Aside from asking Christ into my heart, marrying my best friend is the best decision I have ever made. I don't regret it for a moment. I would love to hear in the comments what you've learned during your marriage. 

In Christ, KrissElise