Fearlessly Loving

During the course of my life I've always been a risk taker. I've been the adventurous one. Even as a young child I wanted to climb highest in the tree, wanted to get the farthest out on the big branch overlooking the rushing creek, I always wanted to get to the top of everything, and as I got older it became a little more intense, and a little more risk taking. It would be getting to the peak of the mountain in record time, jumping into the ice cold lake and feeling the biting water touch my bare skin, climbing up the cliffs that reach into the sky, standing on a rock ledge looking down on little bitty trees, knowing that if you fall, there is nothing there to catch you. I got a rush from that. 

I was one who never liked rules, or boundaries. I felt boxed in, stuck in a cage. Each day daring to cross farther over the line, adventure farther into the wilderness of the unknown, but always returning to the box that was to keep me safe, nobody ever knowing how far I really wandered. Then there are people, there are relationships and love... that, I was no good at. I didn't take risks, in fact I preferred to hide. I'd much rather spend my time alone, lying on the roof gazing at the stars than I would to take the risk to love and be loved. I'd been hurt to much for that. I was perfectly okay with staying inside my comfortable little box when it came to love.

Slowly I learned how to love, I learned that it is okay to love, and to be loved. And over the years.... I've taken risks, I've realized what love is, I became okay with it.... until it came to that one guy.... then I went back into my box, content to let the world spin on without anybody ever knowing my true feelings. Especially him. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of not having control, afraid of rejection. Most of all, afraid that I'd hurt him, that I'd mess it up. 

And then there's that moment when your focus totally and radically changes. Because you realize that you might have cancer. There's the waiting, the doctor appointments, the praying and more waiting.  There's that night when you are out walking in the cool evening air, feeling the smooth concrete sidewalk beneath your bare feet, you are watching the sun set and turn the sky into shades of amber red. You see all the little things of life in a new way, with a new focus... his text tone plays on my phone and I can't help but let that smile light my face as my heart takes a little leap, and in that second I realize that I want him to know, everything... I want him to know me, I want him to know exactly how I feel about him, I want to love him, I want to take the risk to love fearlessly. Because I don't want to leave this world with never letting some of my most passionate feelings show. I don't want him to ever wonder how I really felt, or what I really thought. With love, there is always risk. But it's one I'm willing to take. Break down the walls, crush the fears, and see how good it can be. Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone, we need to free ourselves to love and to live. To embrace and to cherish.. where will I be in five years? I have no idea, but I'm not going to miss one moment of this beautiful, amazing, incredible, unique season of my life. 

So go out there and take risks, follow God's lead, love with abandon, cherish the little things, spend time with the people close to you, step across the line, cross all the boundaries, live a radical life because everything can change in an instant, live so that whenever you find yourself at the end, you can say these three things, I constantly strove to surrender and follow God with my entire being, I loved others without holding back, and I lived a full life, reveling in the blessings God poured over His precious child. 

~KrissElise
 

I'm All Yours

By KrissElise January, 2014

My lips were the ones who mocked you,

I despised and I rejected you,

I turned my back on you I didn't care,

You were beaten yet you never said a word,

You died the death of a criminal and it was me, 

That took the hammer and the nails and drove it through your hands,

Yes it was my sin that held you there,

You were pierced for my rebellion,

You were crushed for my sins,

Beaten so that I could be whole,

Whipped so I could be healed,

You took the punishment so I could be freed,

So at the cross I kneel as my heart cries out to you,

Oh Jesus I've hit the bottom I don't know what to do,

I can't do this on my own I need you now,

Come into my life, move me, change me,

Make me all yours Lord, all yours,

Nothing more, nothing less, make me yours oh Lord,

You were pierced for my rebellion,

You were crushed for my sins,

Beaten so that I could be whole,

Whipped so I could be healed,

You took the punishment so I could be freed,

Jesus you took my sin, you died in my place,

It should've been me that was held there on the cross,

But you chose to die instead, so I can be a child of God's,

Don't let me live for myself, not now,

Not after what you did for me, no,

All I am is yours Lord, all I am is yours, all in me, all I am, all yours...

Choosing Forgiveness

I have found that in life we go through seasons. Thankfully God doesn't have us work on everything all at once. It seems that He gives us something to work on and when we've finally figured that out or gotten better He will show us the next thing in life that we need to work on to continue molding our lives into His image. The list of things he's had me working on these past few years is endless. This year started out with forgiveness and has continued with it. I am constantly being taken to another level of forgiving. So often I have found we only go to the level of forgiving somebody as long as it's not too uncomfortable for us. As long as we don't have to sacrifice much. As long as they didn't do something "too bad".

We find it fairly easy to forgive the simple things people do to wrong us. But what about when things get harder? What about when you are sexually assaulted? Not just once but multiple times? This is something I've struggled with for awhile. I've gotten so many opinions on how I should, if I should or that I shouldn't forgive the man who did this. This isn't something I've talked about a lot because I've always been worried about people's reactions. More often than not when I talk about it people are mad at me, for various reasons, some people just don't like talking about it at all, and others just don't understand. I'm not necessarily writing this for you. I'm writing for the people like me. The people who have been forced into awful things. The ones who struggle daily with aspects of life because of what happened. The people who are shamed, talked into silence and not believed. The ones who want to forgive but feel like people tell them it's wrong. People who don't want to live the victim role for the rest of their lives but can't seem to escape it. This is for you. Because I've been there.

Below I'm going to post a little poem I wrote awhile back. Writing has always been one of the ways for me to get my thoughts out, to let things go, and to tell the world that I won't be silent. I'm going to tell my story, because I think it matters. But more than anything because I believe that when we become silent. They win.

To Be Killed and Nobody Knows

I’m drowning, choking, suffocating,

Instinct tells me to fight back, but his

Iron grip is shooting pain through my veins,

His weight feels like a semi truck on my body,

A scream dies in my throat and I go limp,

He forces me to look in his eyes,

His mouth meets mine and I can taste

The alcohol on his breath, I want to vomit,

As his rough hands tear my shirt away

A blackness sets in and I feel nothing,

I have no clue what’s happening,

All I know is I’m absolutely alone,

But at least for once, I’m making somebody happy,

Even if it’s killing me, maybe this was my purpose,

Maybe I’m alive just to be killed over and over again,

The darkness takes over and I lie still,

Dead to emotion, dead to the world.

And nobody knows.

~KrissElise

For those who don't know what it's like. There's a little snippet of the moment. Which doesn't even begin to tell the after effects. The flashbacks. The nightmares. 

So the question that I asked God was... "How in the world do I forgive this man?" 

I've had many people tell me that I don't need to. That I don't have to forgive somebody for something "that bad" 

And then I read Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

To me that verse is black and white. I'm not a theologian. I couldn't tell you the Greek words it was written in but I can tell you one thing. If I am to forgive as God in Christ forgave me... key word being "as" which is a measure comparison of things equal. So am am to forgive the same as Christ forgave me. Wow. That means, the dirty, wretched sinner, the enemy of God, the slanderer, hater, full of wickedness, idolator... (that was me and every person before Christ made us new) that means that I owe the forgiveness which was undeserved, that washed me white and clean as snow. I owe that to every person who has hurt me. Including the man who done the unthinkable, the people who have threatened me, the ones who let me down.... I don't see that this gives an out to not forgive somebody. Or that there is anybody we aren't required to forgive. There are many other verses about forgiveness in the Bible as well. And I never see where we get an out to hold onto bitterness.

However, just because the truth is black and white doesn't make it easy. It doesn't justify what he did. It doesn't mean I don't still go through hell because of it. It doesn't mean that it won't effect my life in many ways. It doesn't mean he won't stand before God and be judged someday. So what does it mean? Forgiveness means I don't have to hold onto the hate, forgiveness means I get to be free, that I get to make a choice, yes it's my choice. To pray for that man, to ask God that he would come to the point of receiving Christ, that he would know the love that I know, that he may receive ultimate forgiveness. Forgiveness means I recognize that you hurt me, you did me wrong, but I'm not going to stay bound by the chains. That's where Satan wants me. He loves when I hold onto that anger, because it keeps that part of my life from being given completely over to God. It creates impurity in my heart. It's my choice to not live as a victim of circumstance. There's a part of song that comes to mind that Jeremy camp wrote;

"The same power that rose Jesus from the grave
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us, lives in us
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us, lives in us
He lives in us, lives in us"

I have that power living inside of me. Which means that I don't have to live as a victim. I can rise and overcome the circumstances in my life, because I have the almighty power of God inside of me. That's why I choose to break free and live. That's why I choose to forgive. That's why I choose not to be a victim. That's why I choose to speak. Because as long as I can form words, I will not be silent. I will speak the truth even when it's hard, and even when in this world I stand alone, because God's power is in me and I can live a full and victorious life through Him. I will never be silent.

~KrissElise