Brutal. Honest. Broken. Redeemed.

I was cleaning out my closet today. In the corner were all my journals, piled up awaiting a home since we moved in this spring. Finally, I put a shelf up in the bedroom and made a place for them. As I carefully organized them on the shelf, a couple pieces of notebook paper slipped out from in between the pages. I sat down on the bed and as my eyes scanned the black ink I was sent back in time to my younger self...

The first page I poured out my deep, dark, brutal feelings on an event that had happened... summed up with the words below.

"Nightmares haunt me with the close of my eyes, no sleep for a broken soul. So instead I drive, endlessly, onward up the winding roads of the dark mountain at night. Waiting for the one just right to shut these lights off and spin into the abyss. Nobody to find me for days or maybe weeks, as this scarred, useless body rots in a rusting car at the bottom of the ravine.

Maybe someday, some other girl will say no. She will say stop. She will fight back. And that girl will be able to live. She will deserve to live because she said no. She will be courageous. A warrior. Something to talk about because she was not frozen in fear and disregard. Maybe it all stopped in the magic of no. But that was not me.

I didn't say no. I said nothing at all. I deserve what happened. That's all."

I sit here a little overwhelmed. I remember that feeling so well. 2am drives wondering what the point to living was. Wondering how long it would take people to find me. Wondering who would even know I was missing and care to call. I remember the sleep deprived, robot motions that seemed to get me from day to day. I feel like it was yesterday, and yet it seems like another lifetime past.

To sum it all up I sit here in awe. I see that girl. The girl God shown a ray of hope to. The girl that God gave the strength to stand up and say "That's my story, but it doesn't define me." I see how God showed me mercy, grace and overwhelming love in the deepest, darkest of times. I see how at the end of each long drive God brought me back down for one more day. How one baby step led to another. I see how God introduced me briefly to a man, kind, caring, compassionate, gentle and so patient. I think maybe he showed me that man so soon to give me hope, to show me that there are good guys out there. Over the next years I see how he started healing wounds, teaching me forgiveness, refining me, strengthening me, showing me who he really is as Father, God and Savior. Then he brought that kind man back into my life and began to show me that he is the one who would look past all the dirt, dark, grime and muck to find the diamond hidden deep underneath. He was the man that heard my story, listened to my secrets, wiped away my tears. He knew who I was and yet got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. And before I said yes I stood there almost in shock, my life flashing before my eyes as I realized this was really happening. Six months later we stood before family and friends and said "I do". Ten months later we welcomed our beautiful, perfect, baby girl into this world.

So what is this post about? It's about grace. Mercy. Redemption. Love. There are times when I struggle and I feel like God doesn't hear my voice. (I'm human) I get too busy to slow down, too stressed over budgeting and bills that need paid. Work and raising a child. Being a good friend. Good wife. Good mom. Sometimes I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers and then I get a reality check. Like this. I realize that my whole life is a story of God listening to one, small, insignificant girl. How he pulled me out of the miry pit and gave me a beautiful life. A handsome, faithful, godly husband and an amazing daughter. A life that by his grace and guiding hand I am alive to live.

So if you feel broken, cast out, in a dark place, undeserving, remember this... grace, mercy, love and redemption is only a whisper away. You are never too lost, broken or scarred. You are never beyond hope. There is healing for you, there is hope for you. There is redemption. It can be a long, scary journey out of the storm but it is so worth feeling the sun again, seeing the rainbow shining out of destruction. 

~KrissElise