Brutal. Honest. Broken. Redeemed.

I was cleaning out my closet today. In the corner were all my journals, piled up awaiting a home since we moved in this spring. Finally, I put a shelf up in the bedroom and made a place for them. As I carefully organized them on the shelf, a couple pieces of notebook paper slipped out from in between the pages. I sat down on the bed and as my eyes scanned the black ink I was sent back in time to my younger self...

The first page I poured out my deep, dark, brutal feelings on an event that had happened... summed up with the words below.

"Nightmares haunt me with the close of my eyes, no sleep for a broken soul. So instead I drive, endlessly, onward up the winding roads of the dark mountain at night. Waiting for the one just right to shut these lights off and spin into the abyss. Nobody to find me for days or maybe weeks, as this scarred, useless body rots in a rusting car at the bottom of the ravine.

Maybe someday, some other girl will say no. She will say stop. She will fight back. And that girl will be able to live. She will deserve to live because she said no. She will be courageous. A warrior. Something to talk about because she was not frozen in fear and disregard. Maybe it all stopped in the magic of no. But that was not me.

I didn't say no. I said nothing at all. I deserve what happened. That's all."

I sit here a little overwhelmed. I remember that feeling so well. 2am drives wondering what the point to living was. Wondering how long it would take people to find me. Wondering who would even know I was missing and care to call. I remember the sleep deprived, robot motions that seemed to get me from day to day. I feel like it was yesterday, and yet it seems like another lifetime past.

To sum it all up I sit here in awe. I see that girl. The girl God shown a ray of hope to. The girl that God gave the strength to stand up and say "That's my story, but it doesn't define me." I see how God showed me mercy, grace and overwhelming love in the deepest, darkest of times. I see how at the end of each long drive God brought me back down for one more day. How one baby step led to another. I see how God introduced me briefly to a man, kind, caring, compassionate, gentle and so patient. I think maybe he showed me that man so soon to give me hope, to show me that there are good guys out there. Over the next years I see how he started healing wounds, teaching me forgiveness, refining me, strengthening me, showing me who he really is as Father, God and Savior. Then he brought that kind man back into my life and began to show me that he is the one who would look past all the dirt, dark, grime and muck to find the diamond hidden deep underneath. He was the man that heard my story, listened to my secrets, wiped away my tears. He knew who I was and yet got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. And before I said yes I stood there almost in shock, my life flashing before my eyes as I realized this was really happening. Six months later we stood before family and friends and said "I do". Ten months later we welcomed our beautiful, perfect, baby girl into this world.

So what is this post about? It's about grace. Mercy. Redemption. Love. There are times when I struggle and I feel like God doesn't hear my voice. (I'm human) I get too busy to slow down, too stressed over budgeting and bills that need paid. Work and raising a child. Being a good friend. Good wife. Good mom. Sometimes I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers and then I get a reality check. Like this. I realize that my whole life is a story of God listening to one, small, insignificant girl. How he pulled me out of the miry pit and gave me a beautiful life. A handsome, faithful, godly husband and an amazing daughter. A life that by his grace and guiding hand I am alive to live.

So if you feel broken, cast out, in a dark place, undeserving, remember this... grace, mercy, love and redemption is only a whisper away. You are never too lost, broken or scarred. You are never beyond hope. There is healing for you, there is hope for you. There is redemption. It can be a long, scary journey out of the storm but it is so worth feeling the sun again, seeing the rainbow shining out of destruction. 

~KrissElise

 

Raising Little Christ Followers

I’m a first-time mom and I often sit and ponder how I am leading my little girl in God’s truth and righteousness. She’s just shy of four months, but she is growing fast. Even though she doesn’t understand what we do right now, we are setting the foundation for her life. She doesn’t understand what’s going on in the mornings when we read her Bible story and pray for our day, giving thanks and asking blessings and protection over her daddy. She just thinks I’m talking to her. When we dance to Jesus Bible songs she just loves the music and moving.  When we go to bed at night and read another Bible story… she doesn’t understand the words. But someday she will. It is setting the stage for when she is a little bit older and it gets me in the routine of getting in the word and praying with my daughter. My childhood mom and myself were never very close... but growing up one of the fondest memories I have with her is when I was about five or six years old and we would gather in our tiny little RV living room and we would read out of Psalms and sing Bible songs. I knew that someday I wanted to grow up and do that with my own kids. Now I have that chance, and I am blessed with an amazing husband who works very hard, so I can be a stay at home mom. He encourages, leads and pours into me so that I can do the same with our daughter.

When I mentioned to somebody about having Bible time with my baby girl they kind of laughed and said, “Who has time for that with a baby?” Yeah who am I kidding… when do I have time? The response I have come up with for myself is this… How can I not have time? Can I really go through life and be too busy to sit down and get in the word with my child? If I’m too busy now am I really going to have time as she gets older? I don’t want this to just be a phase. I don’t want it to only be something we do for a little while. I want to make the time as my child gets older, starts to understand. I want to be there when she has questions, heartaches, joys and struggles. I don’t want to be the mom who was too busy with work, dishes, housework, TV shows, washing laundry, friends, lists, shopping, whatever the case may be. I will have that to do the rest of my life. I only have a small window of time to lead my girl in truth and righteousness. There will be cleaning and housework to do until the day I die… but the light of Jesus that I invest in my child is something that will change lives. I already anticipate the day that she will see her sin for what it is, see Jesus for what He has done for her and ask him to be her Lord and Savior.

Is this post about somebody else? No. It’s only about me. Because sometimes I get so busy and caught up in my life and busyness that I am tempted to think that Bible time with my baby girl doesn’t matter all that much because after all she doesn’t understand. But I think Jesus has a soft spot for children. I think that Jesus would want little, itty bitty children to hear the stories of him and to be raised to know him. I realize every day how incredibly important and crucial my job as a mom is. If I do nothing else in life but lead my child towards Christ raising her with morals, values and knowing the great love of Jesus, I have lived a life well lived.

So, parents out there… I challenge you. No matter the age of your child, dig into the word with them, read Bible stories, pray with them. Lead them. And perhaps even more importantly is to find time to spend time with God yourself. Because that time with just you and God is what will help make you a good leader and good example to them. Children watch what we do with our lives, what we read, what we say, what we watch, what we do, even when we think they don’t see or aren’t paying attention. Raising our children to walk in the light of Christ, turning away from the darkness of worldly desires and attractions will be the single most important job we will have in life. We will never be perfect, but we can give it our all. Be encouraged and go raise Christ Followers.

~KrissElise

Tiny little feet that will someday follow in my footsteps.

Reflections On Becoming A Godly Wife

This past month has been a very busy time for our family for many reasons. And it has brought me to ponder our marriage more than ever. This last week I've been studying through Proverbs 31. The question that I've asked myself for years keeps resurfacing. "In a world where half of the people who marry end up divorced, how are we going to stay together?" Now before anybody jump to conclusions... I will tell you why this is a question I ask myself. turn to 1 Peter 5:5 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour." Satan is the enemy of this world, I know that the times that he is able to wreak havoc in our lives is when we become lukewarm in our faith. When we be complacent and think to ourselves, "That would never happen to us." And here's the thing, that could be us, it would be us without the grace and strength that can only come through Christ himself. It is hard for us to admit that we can't do it on our own. But when we come to that realization and humble ourselves to accepting Christ's strength, that is where real marriages can thrive. I don't care who you are, who your spouse is or how long you've been married. Marriage is hard. We can't thrive in the marriage that God intended us to have by leaving him on the back burner. So what, as wives, are we supposed to do? Here are a couple of my thoughts.

God first. Every time. All the time. No matter what. Your husband is second. Even over your kids. I think a lot of people make the mistake of putting their kids first and I believe that is wrong and not beneficial to your children. Kids thrive best in a home where mom and dad are at peace and in love with one another. I will be honest, I haven't and don't always put God first and when I don't I can tell the difference in my mood, how my day flows and how I treat my husband, daughter and others. One of the biggest things we can do for our marriage is be prayer warriors. Being diligent and aware and  taking every worry, every stress, every problem before the cross. We forget the significance and influence we as wives possess and how that either positively or negatively influences our marriage. Studying through Proverbs 31 and what a godly wife looks like is humbling and encouraging. It's also hard. In this world we are taught to be self focused. Do what is best for us etc. etc.. but a godly marriage is not about giving your fifty percent as long as he's giving his fifty percent. No. It's one hundred percent, one hundred percent of the time. We as wives are not responsible for our husbands actions. We are responsible for our roles as wives before God. To do what we are called to do as no matter what. That's what will make marriage last.

Through doing this study I have found ways I have been living selfishly, areas I can improve. I also find that I get the most peace and joy when I am respecting, loving, honoring and serving my husband. It does not take away from who I am, my time or my life. It brings meaning and happiness to my life. The time I spend on my knees in prayer lifting him up, fighting for our marriage, praying God's blessings over our lives, the things I can do to relieve my husbands stress, to show him love... that's when I feel the happiest in our marriage. When my focus is on God first and then my husband. That's how God intended it to be. We somehow think that we know better and when we focus on ourselves and grumble and complain about our husbands and what they are or aren't doing that somehow it will magically give us a great life or something. Thing is, most people don't genuinely appreciate all the things their husbands do. Honestly there are many days when I don't have a full appreciation of what he does. So much of it goes unseen. We are quick to grumble because he doesn't spend enough time with us, or the kids, or he works too much or not enough, he leaves dishes in the living room, clothes on the floor, falls asleep when he gets home... the list goes on...

Take time to ponder and appreciate what your husband does... I am so thankful for the man I have. Yes, I often pick dirty clothes up off the floor, I clean the bathroom (again) after he shaves, I make him meals, I don't get as much time with him as I'd like (He's just that awesome to be around) and most of the time he's asleep within 2.5 seconds of hitting the pillow at night. That's the time that I am blessed to be able to pray over him. To appreciate all he does. He works hard. Incredibly hard. Balancing different jobs, paying bills, keeping up on house repairs, providing financially so I can stay home to raise our daughter. And every morning he wakes me up with a kiss, he finds time to spend with our daughter and watch a movie with me. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how glad he is that I'm his wife. Sometimes he frustrates me, what husband doesn't? But the truth is at the end of the day I am so appreciative of the amazing godly man, husband and father he is and I'm so incredibly thankful for all that he does for our family. The few things I listed just being the very tip of the iceberg. Even as I'm typing this I realize that I don't tell him often enough what a great husband he is and how much I appreciate all that he does.

So I guess I will end this by challenging all of you wives and future wives, make God FIRST. Yes it's hard. Yes it's difficult. Yes it's painful. But wasn't Jesus dying on the cross worth it? Wasn't his sacrifice bigger than anything we could ever give up? Find daily time to spend in the word. Find other godly wives who you can fellowship and be challenged with. Be a wife of prayer, fighting for you husband, your marriage and your children. Put your husband second. Learn what that means and what an honor it is to respect, love and serve him regardless of his actions. Pray for him. That is the most powerful thing you can do for him. Dig into Proverbs 31 and find out how it applies to you today. We all have 24 hours in a day, only YOU get to decide how you are going to use them. And someday we will stand before our almighty God, our loving Father and give an accord for how we spent our time and who or what we gave the biggest priority of our life to. Choose to be a wife who honors God and your husband. Today.

~KrissElise

*The study I am going through is a book called "Proverbs 31 Wife Handbook" by Lara Velez. It's a 26 day devotional digging into Proverbs 31  and how it applies today. It goes over a verse or two a day, some thoughts on it, a love challenge toward your husband and an area to write and reflect.

I'm Just A Child

(Written through the eyes of my daughter)

I’m brand new to this world,

But I have something to say to you,

A plea of sorts from my little heart to yours,

Right now, all I know is love,

Mommy and Daddy fight all my battles,

They make all my decisions and tend to all my needs,

All I know is love and family who adores me,

One day though I’ll grow up,

We all know how that time goes way too quick,

I’ll find out about you… I’ll wonder where you are,

I won’t understand the turmoil, pain or fights,

Or why mommy and you don’t get along,

It will all be confusion in my young mind,

I will wonder if I mattered to you, why you never met me,

I won’t understand what kept you away,

Or even really know who you are,

That’s why today I’ll simply ask you this,

Remember, I’m just a child,

All I know is love,

I won’t understand why you aren’t here, why you never met me,

No matter how you try to explain it someday when I’m all grown up,

It will never be clear in my mind, I’ll always have questions,

I’ll always wonder where you were,

I don’t care who is wrong or who is right,

I’ll never know what happened ten years in the past,

I am your chance to start brand new,

Your chance to dig down and pull out the love you have,

I could be the start of a whole new world,

One in which we could all be near,

But I’m little and you are big,

You are the one who gets to decide the future,

Please remember, I’m just a child,

I’m your granddaughter, your niece, your family line,

I have your blood running through my veins,

I wonder if I have any of your features,

Or what we’d have in common,

I wonder what life would be like if the past was set aside,

But I’m just a child and it’s not for me to decide,

The future will play out as big people make choices,

Just remember, those choices affect me, and you…

Please think hard, don’t let more time slip by without me,

This is my plea to you, give me a chance, a chance to know you,
To love and be loved by you...

~KrissElise

"Officially" A Mom

As I sit here writing tonight I am holding my beautiful, almost two-week-old little girl. It's crazy to me how fast time flies. People keep asking me how it feels to be a mom now.. in my mind I've been a mom for the last 9+ months. From the first ecstatic moment that I found out we were expecting a baby, the first time I got to hear her heartbeat, the look on her daddy's face the first time we got to see her on an ultrasound, feeling her first movements, worrying, praying and watching her grow... to the moment that the doctor walked in the room and told me that in about an hour I would have my baby girl.... it has been the most amazing experience ever.  

I had planned for a natural birth but because of circumstances as I went into labor, the doctor thought it safest for both baby and myself that she come sooner rather than later. I had never been hospitalized before, never had any operations and initially the thought of having a C-section terrified me. But in the moment as I sought out God I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I had amazing doctors and nurses who immediately started all the preparations for surgery and my amazing husband there by my side. 

In the operation room I tried not to think about the fact that I couldn't move the lower half of my body, (Yes, I'm a little claustrophobic) I found it really strange that I couldn't feel myself breathe so it almost felt like I wasn't and the pain medication made me super nauseous. My husband sat right there though and was my focal point. I focused on his face, his eyes as he reassured me that I was doing great. It seemed like only minutes when I heard our baby's first cries. That moment.... there's nothing that can beat that. Seeing your perfect little angel after 9 long months... I cried. Her dad brought her over so I could touch her while they closed my incision. Afterwards, we were taken to a post operation room and our baby girl got some time with her daddy while I was attempting to recover from all the medication. That was the worst part of all. If you've never been super nauseous and vomiting constantly right after having your stomach muscles cut open you cannot imagine... they gave me some medicine to combat nausea and it sort of started working. I got to hold my baby girl and feed her for the first time. 

Right there, watching my newborn baby cling to me, seeing the adoration in my husband's eyes as he held my hand and kissed my forehead I felt completely unworthy. And that's the thing about life. I don't deserve any of this. The amazing life I have, the incredible husband, the beautiful daughter... and yet the Lord of all chose me, handpicked these blessings for me and gave them freely. I realize that being a mom and rasing my child and future children, bringing them up in the Lord will be the most important job I will ever have. 

Later that morning our families came up to visit and during the following couple days while baby and I remained in the hospital we had some friends up. One of the most repetitive questions I am asked is what it's like being a mom. I'm never quite sure how to respond to that as I have a million different emotions. Part of me is terrified that somehow I'll mess up, I'll fail her, but the other part of me feels incredibly grateful to be able to give my little girl all the love in the world. I will make mistakes as a parent but I will do my absolute best to let her know how absolutely adored she is and always will be. I feel so blessed to have a great man who will be and already is an amazing daddy and who has been by my side the entire time. I'm excited that my girl will get to know what it feels like to be close to her dad, loved and cherished. And also I think it will be healing. Opening up new doors and giving her all that I didn't have growing up. Knowing that I can create a safe and loving atmosphere for her to grow up in, to make mistakes, to succeed, to rise and fall, to leave and come back knowing that there's nothing she could ever do to separate her from the love in my heart. 

Being a mom is the best thing ever. I wouldn't change it for the world. The moment she took her first breathe my whole world changed in a way that I will never be able to explain with words. As my baby wakes up to eat for the ten millionth time today, I will leave you with this.... love your children. Love them, adore them, forgive them... because if you wait too long that chance will be gone. Read them a story, get down on the floor, take them to lunch, throw the baseball... spend time with them. Listen to them. Cherish them.

~KrissElise