But Jesus

 But Jesus

~Kriss Brewer - March 2021

My heart breaks for those destined for hell,

For those who have kept the circle of abuse spinning,

Those who have chosen to harm others,

To cause their children to stumble,

Believing the lies, believing that's all they could do,

My heart cries, my heart breaks,

At the same time I dwell in grace,

I am humbled and amazed,

Because I know without a doubt,

That could be me,

I was only one step away,

From continuing the same path,

Keeping the cycle of abuse alive,

Living in the lie that it couldn’t be better,

That I could never be enough,

But Jesus….

But Jesus stepped down and took my hand,

At the foot of the cross my burden of sin was lifted,

As forgiveness poured over me the chains were broken,

The path of destruction before my feet crumbled away

As Jesus took me by the hand,

Led me down a path that I had never seen,

Opened my eyes to a brand new love,

A brand new life,

Where love and peace abounds,

Words and touch don’t have to hurt,

I watch as my daughter runs up,

Hugs and kisses and no fear of me,

My son snuggles up between Mommy and Daddy,

Safe and secure,

Tears roll down my face,

I feel the intense weight,

How deep grace and mercy is,

The freedom in salvation,

Love of our heavenly Father,

My story would be so different….

But Jesus. But Jesus.

I Could Have Had a Really Different Story

 Last Sunday at church we sang a song I've heard a million times. Nobody Loves Me Like You by Chris Tomlin. There's a verse in there that says, "I could have had a really different story, but you came down from heaven to restore me, forever saved my life". It really struck me. 

I have an amazing life. A loving, godly husband and two gorgeous kiddos with another on the way. We have everything we need plus some. Parents who love me and are incredible grandparents to my children. A million different siblings each with our own connection. But it wasn't always this way....

My story could have been really different. My childhood was filled with trauma, 13 years old had me depressed, and ready to leave this world behind. 13 years old I was going to cut through my blood veins. I wanted the emotional/spiritual pain I was in to end and I wanted everyone to know how much pain they had put me through to bring me to the point of bleeding out on my bedroom floor. That's where Jesus came and filled me. Where I met him face to face and asked him to come into my life.

18 years old found me without a home, alone, lost, abandoned, severe anxiety, depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. That's when God brought two people into my life who would drastically change the direction of my story. Away from a road of darkness and defeat towards the light and love that I could find as a Child of God's. 

Sometimes being years away now from those really dark days it's easy to forget, easy to forget how dark it was and how much time, effort and love my adoptive parents poured into me. Years of it. The other day my dad was going through letters from me, apparently he keeps ALL of them. He ran across the envelope of razor blades that I gave him when we were working through things, when I knew I knew I couldn't keep them anymore. Really took me back and reminded me of how incredibly grateful I am for all the little ways God worked in my life and all the people he brought to cross my path to bring me to where I am today. 

I used to hide my struggles, my pain, my past. I used to be ashamed of the things I did to cope with the trauma and pain but not anymore, I know that when things are brought to the light it gives shame and Satan no place to hide. I also know that there are others out there with stories like mine. I want you to know that you aren't alone. You aren't too broken. You aren't unlovable. Knowing my story could help even one person have hope or find help is why I continue to share it.

We have the power to change our story. To say this is NOT how it will end. My life changed. So could yours. If you are struggling, reach out to me. I've been there. 

~Kriss Brewer

Healing In The Making

 Moments like this make me happy. Deep happiness. Healing happiness... 

I love watching my husband spend little moments with our daughter like this. Something simple, he made cookies with her. She is such a Daddy's girl and has had him wrapped all around her little finger since the day she was born.

Growing up I didn't get that experience. I have no memories of being little and having these experiences with my biological dad. I have one picture of me sitting on his lap. I used to look at that constantly and try and try to figure things out, wondering if he ever felt about me like a daddy should. I still have no answer. There is lots of pain still tucked away from my past that unfolds with each year as things change but watching my daughter grow with what I never had heals something deep inside of me.

It's kind of a funny thing how that works, how having kids and giving them what we didn't have can heal a brokenness inside, can heal the scars and grow new happiness, joy and memories. 

Here's to watching my daughter grow up with the best Daddy in the world!

~Kriss Elise

A Childhood Full Of Memories

I have no idea where you are in life these days,

It's been years since I've caught a glimpse of you around town,

Even longer since I sat down at a table across from you and talked,

But tonight I sit here and remember all the memories,

Gosh they seem so long ago, like another life,

It feels like I'm living the memories that belong to someone else,

All the years we spent growing up together, inseparable,

A childhood full of memories,

All of my happy memories as a kid belong with you,

Even all the fights we had, the make ups, 

Hours spent at night outside just because we didn't want to go in,

You were my best friend. You were my only friend.

There was nobody I really opened up to, nobody who knew my soul,

But you came the closest, you knew me deeper than anyone who lived,

From early on wherever I would be found, you weren't far away,

You were the one who I called when I was scared,

Brother you were the hero in my story,

Even in the hardest years of my life, my teens,

You were there, we played a fantasy life made of stories better than our own,

That was my greatest escape from reality,

Hiking and trapesing the mountain side, 

Spending nights beneath the stars in the cold winter night,

Then something I never thought would happen, happened,

An invisible enemy ripped through our world and tore you away from me,

Out of my hands, out of my grasp, out of my life,

I still grieve that loss, I grieve that loss because you aren't gone,

You are still here, but you aren't mine,

I watch my children and I wonder what it would be like,

The joy and fun they would have with you in their life,

I think of the bond they would be creating with you if you were here,

How much they would love you, how they would take you back,

Five years old playing in the creek,

Part of me feels numb, unmoved, unfeeling, 

But really it's just protecting the cracks that run through part of my life,

The part where you should be, the brother, the uncle, the adventurer,

You may never read this, it probably won't affect a thing,

But in case you ever wonder how I feel,

I miss you. I love you. I pray one day I'll hug you again this side of heaven,

I pray that my kids would have the chance to meet you, 

To know you, to love you like I do, 

Create memories that they would carry with them,

Pass down generations,

I pray one day those cracks would be restored,

Until then.... I pray that God watches over you, brings you peace and brings you back into my part of the world, over to my side of town. 

~Kriss Elise

 

From One To Two Under Two

Last week our second child, precious baby boy was born. Wow! What a life change. We had nine months to prepare but nothing but living the experience can prepare you for how different things are. I have to give credit to my wonderful husband who stood by and supported me through the up and downs of being pregnant while caring for a toddler. Especially in the last month when my energy was at a record low. He supported me in my decision to try for a vbac instead of an elective cesarean. He supported me when baby was being stubborn and we were into the 41rst week with no signs of labor and had to schedule a c-section. He was there by my side as the day came and we were in the hospital being prepped for the surgery and he was supportive when my doctor came in and told me I was in labor and we could switch back to the plan for a vaginal birth. The next nine hours he spent checking in on our older child who was with grandparents and by my side as I labored. Baby boy was sunnyside up and wedged in a unfavorable position. Pushing that little guy out took everything I had. If it wasn't for my husband there encouraging me and telling me I could do it when I said I couldn't I never would have been able to do it. He was my strength and focus. All together it was an incredible experience. There are no words for the emotion I felt when my brand new son was laid on my chest and gulped his first breath. We were able to come home just over 24 hours later and so begins our life with two kiddos under two. 

The first couple days were rough. Big sister just wanted to take her brother from us. (She loves babies) Her little self had a hard time understanding that she couldn't just have him and she was upset when she saw me holding him. Of course with a new baby our schedule was thrown off and all of mommy's attention isn't just on her anymore. Which I think honestly was harder on me than on her. That little girl is my world and between constantly nursing her brother and being super sore I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she deserved. By the beginning of the week we have gotten into an adjusted schedule which includes a new baby but still lots of time for her to spend with mom. 

Big sister is 17 months old and I feel like she is going through her terrible twos already. She is an amazing little girl but has so many big opinions, feelings, emotions and wants. Lying in bed last night I was praying and I realized that all to often we want them to hurry up and get bigger, get more words, behave, not throw fits, be reasonable, we want them to be more grown up than they are. I realized that I want to let her be little, soon enough she will be talking in full sentences, she will be able to tell us what she wants, she will follow rules and learn to listen. In the meantime I want to have patience with her and be her safe place to feel her emotions. To learn how to voice those into words instead of tears and fits. I don't want to get frustrated with her because she's acting like a little toddler. I want to help her to learn, grow and thrive. I want her to know that it's okay for feel and express her emotions and not learn like I did as a child to bottle everything inside. I want to teach her healthy ways to express her frustrations, anger and disappointment. So each morning when I wake up, while I'm lying in bed feeding her brother I pray for the day. I pray for patience that only God can give me to raise my two beautiful children. To nurture them with love and care and not frustration. 

Tonight as I sit here, my daughter is asleep in bed and my son is sleeping on my chest as I type. I know beyond doubt that I am the most blessed mama alive to be blessed with these two. Blessed to have the honor and pleasure of raising them, teaching them and leading them. The single most important job that I will ever have is right here inside my home. Someday they will be all grown up and face the world on their own. Someday they will live in this world without me, but the way that I raise them, teach them and love them will last forever. Through their lives and into the lives of their children. This next year and the years to come will be busy ones. They will have ups and downs and I know that I won't always get it all right. But I take faith in the fact that they will always know that their mom and dad did their best and loved them deeply. 

So here goes life with two littles... to all the moms out their with little kids. I see you. I see your effort, your struggle and the never ending, constant day to day tasks you do that go unnoticed. May we raise our children in the light and instruction of Christ. May they follow the path He sets out before them. Always remember that your children are a precious blessing bestowed upon you for only a short time, so let them be little. 

~KrissElise

She has such a big love for life.

Brutal. Honest. Broken. Redeemed.

I was cleaning out my closet today. In the corner were all my journals, piled up awaiting a home since we moved in this spring. Finally, I put a shelf up in the bedroom and made a place for them. As I carefully organized them on the shelf, a couple pieces of notebook paper slipped out from in between the pages. I sat down on the bed and as my eyes scanned the black ink I was sent back in time to my younger self...

The first page I poured out my deep, dark, brutal feelings on an event that had happened... summed up with the words below.

"Nightmares haunt me with the close of my eyes, no sleep for a broken soul. So instead I drive, endlessly, onward up the winding roads of the dark mountain at night. Waiting for the one just right to shut these lights off and spin into the abyss. Nobody to find me for days or maybe weeks, as this scarred, useless body rots in a rusting car at the bottom of the ravine.

Maybe someday, some other girl will say no. She will say stop. She will fight back. And that girl will be able to live. She will deserve to live because she said no. She will be courageous. A warrior. Something to talk about because she was not frozen in fear and disregard. Maybe it all stopped in the magic of no. But that was not me.

I didn't say no. I said nothing at all. I deserve what happened. That's all."

I sit here a little overwhelmed. I remember that feeling so well. 2am drives wondering what the point to living was. Wondering how long it would take people to find me. Wondering who would even know I was missing and care to call. I remember the sleep deprived, robot motions that seemed to get me from day to day. I feel like it was yesterday, and yet it seems like another lifetime past.

To sum it all up I sit here in awe. I see that girl. The girl God shown a ray of hope to. The girl that God gave the strength to stand up and say "That's my story, but it doesn't define me." I see how God showed me mercy, grace and overwhelming love in the deepest, darkest of times. I see how at the end of each long drive God brought me back down for one more day. How one baby step led to another. I see how God introduced me briefly to a man, kind, caring, compassionate, gentle and so patient. I think maybe he showed me that man so soon to give me hope, to show me that there are good guys out there. Over the next years I see how he started healing wounds, teaching me forgiveness, refining me, strengthening me, showing me who he really is as Father, God and Savior. Then he brought that kind man back into my life and began to show me that he is the one who would look past all the dirt, dark, grime and muck to find the diamond hidden deep underneath. He was the man that heard my story, listened to my secrets, wiped away my tears. He knew who I was and yet got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. And before I said yes I stood there almost in shock, my life flashing before my eyes as I realized this was really happening. Six months later we stood before family and friends and said "I do". Ten months later we welcomed our beautiful, perfect, baby girl into this world.

So what is this post about? It's about grace. Mercy. Redemption. Love. There are times when I struggle and I feel like God doesn't hear my voice. (I'm human) I get too busy to slow down, too stressed over budgeting and bills that need paid. Work and raising a child. Being a good friend. Good wife. Good mom. Sometimes I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers and then I get a reality check. Like this. I realize that my whole life is a story of God listening to one, small, insignificant girl. How he pulled me out of the miry pit and gave me a beautiful life. A handsome, faithful, godly husband and an amazing daughter. A life that by his grace and guiding hand I am alive to live.

So if you feel broken, cast out, in a dark place, undeserving, remember this... grace, mercy, love and redemption is only a whisper away. You are never too lost, broken or scarred. You are never beyond hope. There is healing for you, there is hope for you. There is redemption. It can be a long, scary journey out of the storm but it is so worth feeling the sun again, seeing the rainbow shining out of destruction. 

~KrissElise

 

Raising Little Christ Followers

I’m a first-time mom and I often sit and ponder how I am leading my little girl in God’s truth and righteousness. She’s just shy of four months, but she is growing fast. Even though she doesn’t understand what we do right now, we are setting the foundation for her life. She doesn’t understand what’s going on in the mornings when we read her Bible story and pray for our day, giving thanks and asking blessings and protection over her daddy. She just thinks I’m talking to her. When we dance to Jesus Bible songs she just loves the music and moving.  When we go to bed at night and read another Bible story… she doesn’t understand the words. But someday she will. It is setting the stage for when she is a little bit older and it gets me in the routine of getting in the word and praying with my daughter. My childhood mom and myself were never very close... but growing up one of the fondest memories I have with her is when I was about five or six years old and we would gather in our tiny little RV living room and we would read out of Psalms and sing Bible songs. I knew that someday I wanted to grow up and do that with my own kids. Now I have that chance, and I am blessed with an amazing husband who works very hard, so I can be a stay at home mom. He encourages, leads and pours into me so that I can do the same with our daughter.

When I mentioned to somebody about having Bible time with my baby girl they kind of laughed and said, “Who has time for that with a baby?” Yeah who am I kidding… when do I have time? The response I have come up with for myself is this… How can I not have time? Can I really go through life and be too busy to sit down and get in the word with my child? If I’m too busy now am I really going to have time as she gets older? I don’t want this to just be a phase. I don’t want it to only be something we do for a little while. I want to make the time as my child gets older, starts to understand. I want to be there when she has questions, heartaches, joys and struggles. I don’t want to be the mom who was too busy with work, dishes, housework, TV shows, washing laundry, friends, lists, shopping, whatever the case may be. I will have that to do the rest of my life. I only have a small window of time to lead my girl in truth and righteousness. There will be cleaning and housework to do until the day I die… but the light of Jesus that I invest in my child is something that will change lives. I already anticipate the day that she will see her sin for what it is, see Jesus for what He has done for her and ask him to be her Lord and Savior.

Is this post about somebody else? No. It’s only about me. Because sometimes I get so busy and caught up in my life and busyness that I am tempted to think that Bible time with my baby girl doesn’t matter all that much because after all she doesn’t understand. But I think Jesus has a soft spot for children. I think that Jesus would want little, itty bitty children to hear the stories of him and to be raised to know him. I realize every day how incredibly important and crucial my job as a mom is. If I do nothing else in life but lead my child towards Christ raising her with morals, values and knowing the great love of Jesus, I have lived a life well lived.

So, parents out there… I challenge you. No matter the age of your child, dig into the word with them, read Bible stories, pray with them. Lead them. And perhaps even more importantly is to find time to spend time with God yourself. Because that time with just you and God is what will help make you a good leader and good example to them. Children watch what we do with our lives, what we read, what we say, what we watch, what we do, even when we think they don’t see or aren’t paying attention. Raising our children to walk in the light of Christ, turning away from the darkness of worldly desires and attractions will be the single most important job we will have in life. We will never be perfect, but we can give it our all. Be encouraged and go raise Christ Followers.

~KrissElise

Tiny little feet that will someday follow in my footsteps.