I Am VALUABLE!!!

 I AM VALUABLE!!!

~Kriss Elise Brewer June 2021

There she was,

Crumpled on the ground,

Crushed by the weight of opinion of the world,

A burden too heavy to bear,

They said she was too skinny,

But then they called her fat,

She didn’t graduate so couldn’t be smart,

They said she needed to live it up,

Go out for the night and let loose,

The weight of everybody’s opinions,

Their harsh words crowded in from all sides,

They blocked out the sun,

She built walls around her crushed soul,

She knew she had no value and no worth,

Didn’t even try to fight back,

They said she was too depressed,

Too down on life and not fun,

She didn’t have the face of beauty,

They said she was crazy,

She was a lost cause,

Too messed up for anybody to care,

But then she heard a voice,

Whisper in her ear,

You my daughter are valuable,

I hand chose you and formed you in the womb,

I called you by name and called you mine,

You are beautiful, made in God’s own image,

Slowly the weight of the world loosened a bit,

As she focused on that quiet voice,

It was loud enough to start drowning out the world,

She heard that she was created for a purpose,

Her life bought and redeemed by the blood of Christ,

She heard that she belonged, she was wanted and chosen,

That still small voice whispered hope,

A future, that there was a plan for her life,

Not to harm her but to prosper and bring her peace,

As she focused solely on His voice,

She started to trust what she knew to be truth,

She began to live in the grace that was offered,

Rising up off the ground,

Dropping the opinions of the world at the foot of the cross,

She found a new confidence, a new value,

What others said about her didn’t really matter anymore,

She was loved and valued by the One who called her by name,

She found beauty and peace,

Confidence and worth in Christ,

She knew who she really was,

Walking with a new hope for the future,

Finding a future full of blessings and peace,

Keeping her face towards the sun,

Leaving the shadows behind she started a whole new life,

She turned to all the voices,

Shouting louder than them all,

I am valuable!

If this spoke to you feel free to check out more of my writings at smalltownmontanagirl.blogspot.com

Always feel free to message me. If you feel alone, If the first part of this feels like where you are at right now, reach out beyond the voices and opinions to me and I will take your hand. If you were there before and are a safe place for others to reach out to drop a comment below.

I Could Have Had a Really Different Story

 Last Sunday at church we sang a song I've heard a million times. Nobody Loves Me Like You by Chris Tomlin. There's a verse in there that says, "I could have had a really different story, but you came down from heaven to restore me, forever saved my life". It really struck me. 

I have an amazing life. A loving, godly husband and two gorgeous kiddos with another on the way. We have everything we need plus some. Parents who love me and are incredible grandparents to my children. A million different siblings each with our own connection. But it wasn't always this way....

My story could have been really different. My childhood was filled with trauma, 13 years old had me depressed, and ready to leave this world behind. 13 years old I was going to cut through my blood veins. I wanted the emotional/spiritual pain I was in to end and I wanted everyone to know how much pain they had put me through to bring me to the point of bleeding out on my bedroom floor. That's where Jesus came and filled me. Where I met him face to face and asked him to come into my life.

18 years old found me without a home, alone, lost, abandoned, severe anxiety, depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. That's when God brought two people into my life who would drastically change the direction of my story. Away from a road of darkness and defeat towards the light and love that I could find as a Child of God's. 

Sometimes being years away now from those really dark days it's easy to forget, easy to forget how dark it was and how much time, effort and love my adoptive parents poured into me. Years of it. The other day my dad was going through letters from me, apparently he keeps ALL of them. He ran across the envelope of razor blades that I gave him when we were working through things, when I knew I knew I couldn't keep them anymore. Really took me back and reminded me of how incredibly grateful I am for all the little ways God worked in my life and all the people he brought to cross my path to bring me to where I am today. 

I used to hide my struggles, my pain, my past. I used to be ashamed of the things I did to cope with the trauma and pain but not anymore, I know that when things are brought to the light it gives shame and Satan no place to hide. I also know that there are others out there with stories like mine. I want you to know that you aren't alone. You aren't too broken. You aren't unlovable. Knowing my story could help even one person have hope or find help is why I continue to share it.

We have the power to change our story. To say this is NOT how it will end. My life changed. So could yours. If you are struggling, reach out to me. I've been there. 

~Kriss Brewer

From One To Two Under Two

Last week our second child, precious baby boy was born. Wow! What a life change. We had nine months to prepare but nothing but living the experience can prepare you for how different things are. I have to give credit to my wonderful husband who stood by and supported me through the up and downs of being pregnant while caring for a toddler. Especially in the last month when my energy was at a record low. He supported me in my decision to try for a vbac instead of an elective cesarean. He supported me when baby was being stubborn and we were into the 41rst week with no signs of labor and had to schedule a c-section. He was there by my side as the day came and we were in the hospital being prepped for the surgery and he was supportive when my doctor came in and told me I was in labor and we could switch back to the plan for a vaginal birth. The next nine hours he spent checking in on our older child who was with grandparents and by my side as I labored. Baby boy was sunnyside up and wedged in a unfavorable position. Pushing that little guy out took everything I had. If it wasn't for my husband there encouraging me and telling me I could do it when I said I couldn't I never would have been able to do it. He was my strength and focus. All together it was an incredible experience. There are no words for the emotion I felt when my brand new son was laid on my chest and gulped his first breath. We were able to come home just over 24 hours later and so begins our life with two kiddos under two. 

The first couple days were rough. Big sister just wanted to take her brother from us. (She loves babies) Her little self had a hard time understanding that she couldn't just have him and she was upset when she saw me holding him. Of course with a new baby our schedule was thrown off and all of mommy's attention isn't just on her anymore. Which I think honestly was harder on me than on her. That little girl is my world and between constantly nursing her brother and being super sore I felt like I couldn't give her the attention she deserved. By the beginning of the week we have gotten into an adjusted schedule which includes a new baby but still lots of time for her to spend with mom. 

Big sister is 17 months old and I feel like she is going through her terrible twos already. She is an amazing little girl but has so many big opinions, feelings, emotions and wants. Lying in bed last night I was praying and I realized that all to often we want them to hurry up and get bigger, get more words, behave, not throw fits, be reasonable, we want them to be more grown up than they are. I realized that I want to let her be little, soon enough she will be talking in full sentences, she will be able to tell us what she wants, she will follow rules and learn to listen. In the meantime I want to have patience with her and be her safe place to feel her emotions. To learn how to voice those into words instead of tears and fits. I don't want to get frustrated with her because she's acting like a little toddler. I want to help her to learn, grow and thrive. I want her to know that it's okay for feel and express her emotions and not learn like I did as a child to bottle everything inside. I want to teach her healthy ways to express her frustrations, anger and disappointment. So each morning when I wake up, while I'm lying in bed feeding her brother I pray for the day. I pray for patience that only God can give me to raise my two beautiful children. To nurture them with love and care and not frustration. 

Tonight as I sit here, my daughter is asleep in bed and my son is sleeping on my chest as I type. I know beyond doubt that I am the most blessed mama alive to be blessed with these two. Blessed to have the honor and pleasure of raising them, teaching them and leading them. The single most important job that I will ever have is right here inside my home. Someday they will be all grown up and face the world on their own. Someday they will live in this world without me, but the way that I raise them, teach them and love them will last forever. Through their lives and into the lives of their children. This next year and the years to come will be busy ones. They will have ups and downs and I know that I won't always get it all right. But I take faith in the fact that they will always know that their mom and dad did their best and loved them deeply. 

So here goes life with two littles... to all the moms out their with little kids. I see you. I see your effort, your struggle and the never ending, constant day to day tasks you do that go unnoticed. May we raise our children in the light and instruction of Christ. May they follow the path He sets out before them. Always remember that your children are a precious blessing bestowed upon you for only a short time, so let them be little. 

~KrissElise

She has such a big love for life.

"Officially" A Mom

As I sit here writing tonight I am holding my beautiful, almost two-week-old little girl. It's crazy to me how fast time flies. People keep asking me how it feels to be a mom now.. in my mind I've been a mom for the last 9+ months. From the first ecstatic moment that I found out we were expecting a baby, the first time I got to hear her heartbeat, the look on her daddy's face the first time we got to see her on an ultrasound, feeling her first movements, worrying, praying and watching her grow... to the moment that the doctor walked in the room and told me that in about an hour I would have my baby girl.... it has been the most amazing experience ever.  

I had planned for a natural birth but because of circumstances as I went into labor, the doctor thought it safest for both baby and myself that she come sooner rather than later. I had never been hospitalized before, never had any operations and initially the thought of having a C-section terrified me. But in the moment as I sought out God I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I had amazing doctors and nurses who immediately started all the preparations for surgery and my amazing husband there by my side. 

In the operation room I tried not to think about the fact that I couldn't move the lower half of my body, (Yes, I'm a little claustrophobic) I found it really strange that I couldn't feel myself breathe so it almost felt like I wasn't and the pain medication made me super nauseous. My husband sat right there though and was my focal point. I focused on his face, his eyes as he reassured me that I was doing great. It seemed like only minutes when I heard our baby's first cries. That moment.... there's nothing that can beat that. Seeing your perfect little angel after 9 long months... I cried. Her dad brought her over so I could touch her while they closed my incision. Afterwards, we were taken to a post operation room and our baby girl got some time with her daddy while I was attempting to recover from all the medication. That was the worst part of all. If you've never been super nauseous and vomiting constantly right after having your stomach muscles cut open you cannot imagine... they gave me some medicine to combat nausea and it sort of started working. I got to hold my baby girl and feed her for the first time. 

Right there, watching my newborn baby cling to me, seeing the adoration in my husband's eyes as he held my hand and kissed my forehead I felt completely unworthy. And that's the thing about life. I don't deserve any of this. The amazing life I have, the incredible husband, the beautiful daughter... and yet the Lord of all chose me, handpicked these blessings for me and gave them freely. I realize that being a mom and rasing my child and future children, bringing them up in the Lord will be the most important job I will ever have. 

Later that morning our families came up to visit and during the following couple days while baby and I remained in the hospital we had some friends up. One of the most repetitive questions I am asked is what it's like being a mom. I'm never quite sure how to respond to that as I have a million different emotions. Part of me is terrified that somehow I'll mess up, I'll fail her, but the other part of me feels incredibly grateful to be able to give my little girl all the love in the world. I will make mistakes as a parent but I will do my absolute best to let her know how absolutely adored she is and always will be. I feel so blessed to have a great man who will be and already is an amazing daddy and who has been by my side the entire time. I'm excited that my girl will get to know what it feels like to be close to her dad, loved and cherished. And also I think it will be healing. Opening up new doors and giving her all that I didn't have growing up. Knowing that I can create a safe and loving atmosphere for her to grow up in, to make mistakes, to succeed, to rise and fall, to leave and come back knowing that there's nothing she could ever do to separate her from the love in my heart. 

Being a mom is the best thing ever. I wouldn't change it for the world. The moment she took her first breathe my whole world changed in a way that I will never be able to explain with words. As my baby wakes up to eat for the ten millionth time today, I will leave you with this.... love your children. Love them, adore them, forgive them... because if you wait too long that chance will be gone. Read them a story, get down on the floor, take them to lunch, throw the baseball... spend time with them. Listen to them. Cherish them.

~KrissElise

Serve In Love

    One of the books I've been reading through recently to strengthen my marriage is called Marriage Matters by Winston T. Smith. It's a great book written on the foundation of God's word. Winston tells it like it is. This section really stood out to me as I read it and I wanted to share it with all of you.

 Honor Considers How to Build You Up
     Love isn't about getting your spouse to fill your sense of need. Jack Miller offers a great definition of what it means to serve one another in love: "Practically it means to labor to make others successful." Love involves your effort to make your spouse successful. What does it mean to be successful? 
     Recall that being made in the image of God means you have a destiny. As we've learned, you were created to mature and grow to be more like God, Have you ever looked at your spouse and considered that he or she was made to be a picture of God here on earth? Sin has done a lot to make it difficult for us to see that image in each other at times. Understanding that it's your job to shine and polish that image is one way to think about what it means to love your spouse,. When you're in tune with the fact that you stand before an image bearer and child of the almighty God, it's hard to see that person as an object that exists for your purposes. C.S. Lewis explained the weightiness of this reality and the obligations it brings this way:

     "It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people, You have never talked to a mere mortal."  

     Love practically means to labor to make your spouse successful. Wow. That is so true but a point that we can tend to pass over in life and marriage. One thing that this made me contemplate is the two drastically different choices we have. To build up or to tear down. To draw closer or to push away. To many wives the chores of home life become mundane. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, more dishes, caring for kids and/or pets, shopping, budgeting, go to bed just to get up and repeat. It can become tiring and never ending sometimes. I am blessed that God has drawn me to seek joy in the mundane. This section out of this book reminded me of another reason I do what I do. Because of love. When I cook dinner, serve my husband lunch, clean the house, fold the laundry... I'm telling him I love him in one of the best ways I know how. I am laboring to help him succeed. It makes his job and life easier and happier when he has home cooked meals and things around the home are taken care of. It helps him succeed as a husband. If he came home to the house trashed, three day old dishes in the sink, no clean laundry and no food, it would make it more difficult for him to fulfill his role as a husband. 

     Likewise, as he labors to love me, it helps me to succeed as a wife. When I can count on him to be there to fix things when they break, to provide a roof over our heads, it makes my job easier because I have less to worry about. When the car needs repairs, the pipes are frozen or I'm overwhelmed I can count on him and he helps me succeed. We've actually had several instances lately where he chose to react giving in love which drew us closer together instead of choosing himself and creating a barrier.

     A perfect example would be the time recently that our puppy Jake, woke up in the middle of the night and would not go back to sleep. I'd taken him outside, played with him, gave him water and tried to get him to go to sleep to no avail. I was particularly frustrated and emotional that night and Travis woke up to me crying. It would have been perfectly reasonable for him to tell me I was crazy, overemotional, being silly, but he didn't, instead he lovingly told me to go to sleep, that he would take care of the dog. That was a choice he made to serve in love. And in that 2am moment my heart grew just a tad fonder of the man that I fell in love with. 

   One other example before I end this post would be the time recently that we were meeting two other couples for a movie date night. He'd worked all day and part of the night, and was frustrated when circumstances ended up with us being late to head to the movie. Then the car headlights were glitching out and in the moment he spoke to me in a frustrated tone of voice. I don't deal well with people being upset, frustrated or mad and I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong. We were finally headed to the movie, him frustrated and me in tears. Now anybody who has been married for a time knows that this is part of life, it happens. And again, there are two different ways people can respond. Me, I knew he was just frustrated and didn't intend to snap at me. He assured me that it wasn't my fault and that he wasn't mad at me and we went to the movie, had a great time. I totally forgot about it. Later after we got home my amazing husband came to me and apologized for snapping at me and making me cry. Again, bringing us closer together instead of pushing us apart. My respect and admiration for him moved to another level. There is something absolutely admirable about a man coming to his wife and apologizing when he feels he has wronged her. That's one of the things I love most about him, the way he is always thoughtful and aware of his actions and how they impact me. He chooses to speak with grace and encouragement and is not afraid to man up and say sorry when needed. We need more men, husbands and fathers like him in this world. All I know, is I am the most lucky, blessed woman alive to spend my life with this man. I can see God smiling down on him, proud of the man he is and is becoming. 

    So if you take one thing out of this post, let it be this. Husbands, wives, remember, your actions and your words show your spouse how much you value and love them. The way your react, the way you choose to show up is very important to the intimacy of your relationship. Every word, every action, ever act of labor, every time you react, you are either speaking life or taking away. Be a spouse that chooses to give life and you will see your marriage thrive in ways that are unspeakable. 

Keep striving in faith and never give up.

In Christ's Love, KrissElise

An Attempt To Debrief From Uganda

I know people have been wanting an update on how my trip to Uganda went. Especially those who supported me. I have not been ignoring you. In fact, I have sat down many, many times to try and put down in writing asummary of my trip. However, I have found that to be very difficult. Several people have asked me if it was worth it. Yes, it was. I am not completely sure what all God did through me over there but I know that it’s bigger than I can see. I also know that he is continually working in my life through what I experienced over there. One thing that is always impressed upon me when I go overseas is how small I am. Here in America we can easily begin to think we are something grand by how much we give to charity, that we show up to church on Sundays, how many programs we are in, what service we do, we gain value by titles, degrees, and careers. Our car, our relationship status, physical appearance, and how big our house is, are things that have come to define Americans. Often times we build ourselves up to the point where we rely on ourselves. Many of us are fix-it people. If somebody has a problem we are there to fix it. No matter how big or small. We don’t like to be helpless. We like to have solutions, answers, a magic way to make it all better. When we can't figure it out we often pull out our smartphone to ask Google or Siri and when that doesn’t work we can always find a YouTube video for it. Some of us still go into bookstores and you can find shelves after shelves of self-help books on how to fix every issue in life. If you don’t have an issue somebody can find one for you. 

We live in a society that tells women that they can do anything a man can do. Women who might get offended at that, suck it up. God didn’t create us to be just like a man. That would defeat the purpose of him making man and woman each with unique roles. Kids grow up with the idea that everyone is a winner, if nothing else you will get an award for participation at least. Because it wouldn’t be fair for everybody not to win. And your child? They can grow up to be anything they want to be. So your son decides to be a girl? Damn anybody who tries to stop him or suggest it’s wrong. Two women want to get married, who are you to judge them. We have become a nation that lives under the theme of “Do whatever makes you happy.” As a country we have thrown morals out the window and we cannot even completely fathom what it’s like invillages and  slums overseas where there is nobody there to defend you, stand up for you or protect you. Even if you are only a child.

So, what about when you go to a third world country? You've seen movies, you know what it’s like, you may have even gone once or twice but I have found nothing, nothing at all that prepares you for when you are sitting among the poorest slums in Uganda, in the grimy red dust littered with garbage holding a tiny child’s hand. A child that like hundreds of others in the nearby areas have been abused, raped, are orphans, kids who live in extreme poverty. Children that have no clean drinking water, no warm meals, no medical care, cannot go to school. Children that are starving, don’t have a warm place to sleep at night. In reality, these kids are invisible to the world. There I am kneeling before this child and asking God to bless this little life, to provide, to reach down and enter the life of a tiny child who has nothing but the hope I am sharing with them. Then you lay out in the grass at night looking at the thousands of stars in the universe and wondering what the point is. Wondering if it even matters. You feel completely and utterly helpless. 

That's when you realize how small you are, how insignificant you are. How you cannot change the world. You cannot change the lives of these children. And you realize that you don’t have to because God is bigger. You merely are a servant of Christ. He never told you that you had to fix everything. It’s not our job no matter how much we want to make it our job. So what changed? What impactwas made  on the country of Uganda by me being there five weeks? I don’t know. All I know is that every child’s hand I held and prayed for, every hug, every smile and laugh, every warm meal served, clean cup of water given, or story of Jesus told… a life was touched by the light and hope of God for eternity. How many lives were changed or impacted? I have no idea because all the work and glory is God’s alone. Many times he uses the ripple effect. One life is changedand that  person touches the life of somebody else and therefore starts a ripple of lots of lives changed.

I guess the biggest thing that I learned while over there is the importance of prayer. Here in America prayer is something we often only do when it is convenient or when we need something from God. In Uganda, especially the area where I was at, prayer is a necessity. That connection with God is vital for every day life. There is no magic fix. No perfect cure. Evil crawls at its purest form but as you walk down the street God’s angels are around you, keeping you from harm. You see prayers answered. Lives changed. You see miracles happen. But that’s a subject for another day.

All of that to say this… I have no clue how to relate all my experiences over there to all of you here in America. Honestly I don’t think it's something you can fully understand without experiencing it firsthand. Without being there, engaging all five of your senses. So maybe you got something out of this. Perhaps you didn’t but it was worth a shot. My brain is still all mixed up with the feelings and emotions of those five weeks. Some of the stuff I saw and experienced there was rough, dark, stuff we don’t see in our everyday America lives. On the other hand, it opens you up to realize how much of this stuff happens in our own states, our own cities and we just turn our face away from it because we want to live in our own little worlds without touchingthe harsh  reality of darkness.  

So without further ado this post will come to a close. If you have comments, questions…. Leave them below or message me and I will do my best to give you an answer.

~KrissElise

 

Fearlessly Loving

During the course of my life I've always been a risk taker. I've been the adventurous one. Even as a young child I wanted to climb highest in the tree, wanted to get the farthest out on the big branch overlooking the rushing creek, I always wanted to get to the top of everything, and as I got older it became a little more intense, and a little more risk taking. It would be getting to the peak of the mountain in record time, jumping into the ice cold lake and feeling the biting water touch my bare skin, climbing up the cliffs that reach into the sky, standing on a rock ledge looking down on little bitty trees, knowing that if you fall, there is nothing there to catch you. I got a rush from that. 

I was one who never liked rules, or boundaries. I felt boxed in, stuck in a cage. Each day daring to cross farther over the line, adventure farther into the wilderness of the unknown, but always returning to the box that was to keep me safe, nobody ever knowing how far I really wandered. Then there are people, there are relationships and love... that, I was no good at. I didn't take risks, in fact I preferred to hide. I'd much rather spend my time alone, lying on the roof gazing at the stars than I would to take the risk to love and be loved. I'd been hurt to much for that. I was perfectly okay with staying inside my comfortable little box when it came to love.

Slowly I learned how to love, I learned that it is okay to love, and to be loved. And over the years.... I've taken risks, I've realized what love is, I became okay with it.... until it came to that one guy.... then I went back into my box, content to let the world spin on without anybody ever knowing my true feelings. Especially him. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of not having control, afraid of rejection. Most of all, afraid that I'd hurt him, that I'd mess it up. 

And then there's that moment when your focus totally and radically changes. Because you realize that you might have cancer. There's the waiting, the doctor appointments, the praying and more waiting.  There's that night when you are out walking in the cool evening air, feeling the smooth concrete sidewalk beneath your bare feet, you are watching the sun set and turn the sky into shades of amber red. You see all the little things of life in a new way, with a new focus... his text tone plays on my phone and I can't help but let that smile light my face as my heart takes a little leap, and in that second I realize that I want him to know, everything... I want him to know me, I want him to know exactly how I feel about him, I want to love him, I want to take the risk to love fearlessly. Because I don't want to leave this world with never letting some of my most passionate feelings show. I don't want him to ever wonder how I really felt, or what I really thought. With love, there is always risk. But it's one I'm willing to take. Break down the walls, crush the fears, and see how good it can be. Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone, we need to free ourselves to love and to live. To embrace and to cherish.. where will I be in five years? I have no idea, but I'm not going to miss one moment of this beautiful, amazing, incredible, unique season of my life. 

So go out there and take risks, follow God's lead, love with abandon, cherish the little things, spend time with the people close to you, step across the line, cross all the boundaries, live a radical life because everything can change in an instant, live so that whenever you find yourself at the end, you can say these three things, I constantly strove to surrender and follow God with my entire being, I loved others without holding back, and I lived a full life, reveling in the blessings God poured over His precious child. 

~KrissElise
 

Hungry For God

As a leader and missionary I find myself constantly attempting to get others involved, trying to lead them into being God chasers. America as a whole struggles to get people committed to the body and to devoting their lives to following Christ. We are constantly searching for people who are hungry for God.

Here is something I read about a Pastor in America talking to an Ethiopian pastor who lived in horrible poverty. He said, “Brother, we pray for you in your poverty.” The humble Ethiopian turned  and said, “No, you don’t understand. We pray for you in your prosperity.”  Seeing the taken aback look on the American Pastor’s face he continued, “We pray for you Americans because it is much harder for you to live at the place God wants you to live in the midst of prosperity, than it is for us in the midst of our poverty.”

I think that is such a key point. Most people you meet are starving. They try to meet that desperate need with anything and everything. Now days we turn to alcohol, physics, parties, medication, programs, money, possessions, status, professional psychologists, social acceptance… the list goes on. We try to fill that emptiness inside with all the stuff that America has to offer. We come to church to check it off our list, to socialize, to meet the "religious" part of us, some even come to sit and be taught. But how many of us come just because we are God chasers? We are following Him, running towards Him, we go to church because we fully expect to meet personally with our almighty, all powerful God.

How many times do we come to church on Sundays and completely miss the presence of God only because we didn’t really expect to meet with Him? But maybe we don’t actually want to meet with Him. Do we even know when He shows up? When you go to “church” on Sunday is God going to be there in the building? If so what is He doing? What is He saying? Who is He talking to? What if He shows up to personally talk to you? One of the things that scares me the most is becoming so complacent that when He does show up we either miss Him, or He finds us comfortably tipped back in our church seat napping and when He asks us about the things He has sent us to do we will not have an answer because the list is crumpled up in the garbage can. I believe that no matter how hard we pray or ask God to work, He will not pour out His Spirit on those who do not hunger for Him.

Do we really want Jesus? Or do we just like the idea of Him? Do we just like the things He has to offer? Or do we want Him to completely ruin us for the world? Do we really want Jesus? Or do we just want to know about Him? What will it take for us to be overwhelmed by His presence? For us to fall on our knees and bow our faces in reverence to our almighty God? What will it take for us to break out of our self-induced, self-absorbed comas and start really living for the One whose blood spilled out upon Calvary’s Hill?

A couple months ago I was once again sitting at the table having a conversation with my dad when he said something that really struck me.  “The one thing that comforts me is knowing that whatever God tells you to do, you will do because you don’t know how to stop following God.”

He is right. Rewind about 9 years. It was a spring day, I was alone, terrified, depressed, and hopeless. That’s when I met Jesus. He was there all along, I can see Him when I look back on my younger years but I’d never let Him in. That day I realized that only He could fill the starving part of my soul. At the time I was still living with my birth family and I had no clue what to do about this whole “following God” thing or what a real relationship with Him was like. In fact it was a few years after that when I got to meet my adoptive dad that I really started learning about who Jesus is and who we are in Him. I suddenly found that everything I had been taught about God needed to be rearranged and redefined. 

Somewhere during all the long talks and late nights a fire was lit inside my soul, one that could not be quenched. During the short course of my lifetime I have been through many struggles. Many of the things that happened, the things I had to go through were not easy to overcome. Sometimes I still struggle with them. It’s not easy to make the decision to choose God over your family, to forgive the man who tried to rape you, forget all the voices telling you that you aren’t worth it, to find love in your heart for somebody after years of being abused, it’s not easy to miss out on your sisters growing up, or overcome depression, anxiety and self-destructive habits. It’s the hardest thing in the world to break addictions and the chains that Satan so tightly bound you with. But here’s the good part. We can choose to let those struggles make us bitter against God or we can choose to believe Romans 5:1-5

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Thankfully, my struggles ended up driving me straight into the arms of my God. And sometime during the course of finding my place in God’s plan, finding Him through the struggles and the dark I came to the realization… (I think I first really realized it when God told me to go to Peru) I came to the realization that I cannot say no. I have continually found that I am unable to say no to God. There are times when I’ll argue with him, I’ll try to rationalize and dance around the point but in the end I find that I have no choice but to follow my God wherever He leads.

Has it been easy? No way. Is it always easy now? Nope. Is it worth it? Without doubt. Many people often ask me if I could go back and restart would I? They want to know what I’d change. I struggle to answer that sometimes but in the end it always comes down to the fact that I wouldn’t change a thing. Because if I took out the tragic, the trials, the struggles, the dark parts… if I took that out... my faith wouldn’t be as deep as it is, the fire wouldn’t be quite so consuming and I wouldn’t know Jesus’s love like I do now. 

I don’t wish my life from here on out to be easy either, because if my life runs smoothly with no struggles, no parts that make me question what God is doing that make me drive deeper into His Word, I’ll become complacent. That is my biggest fear. I never want to become lukewarm, I never want to lose passion, I never want to forget how great God’s mercy and grace are over me. So I welcome the struggles, the trials that are sure to come because they will require me to take my faith to a deeper level, to run to my Father’s open arms and trust Him with my life.

And in the end… when I have done all that I was commanded, I say, “I am an unworthy servant; I have only done what was my duty.” *Luke 17-10

~KrissElise

From Broken to Whole - Only Through Christ

So I've been slacking on blogging lately... I don't have any excuse except for the fact that I have 24 half written blog posts that I don't want to finish because I don't know how. Sometimes I get so overloaded with emotions and thinking especially around the holidays that I can't come up with complete thoughts to write about. I've had a couple people tell me lately that I should write my life story. So for like the hundredth time I'm trying to work on that. Then at my College Bible Study last night the question came up on how we look to God and focus on Him especially in the hard times. That ties right into my life story, for me it's looking back on my life. Seeing the desperate places I've been and how even then God was faithful and I look at how far He has brought me and am completely overwhelmed. So I thought I'd touch on that subject a little bit. I was reading through journal entries from previous years and ran across this one. I remember these days so well, I remember the absence of hope, I remember very clearly how defeated, scared and hurt I was...

"Here I am again, 4:15am crying and hurting so bad I'm throwing up. I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion only to find him in my dreams again and wake up with a scream on my lips. Not even the cold metal against my skin or the warmth of blood on my fingers can dull this pain inside tonight. I'm living in a prison, screaming out and slamming my fists against the walls and nobody can hear me. And even if they could, nobody would really care. I'm surrounded by a million people but nobody really cares enough to see that I'm not really living. I'm dying from the inside out but still plaster a smile on my face so they don't have to feel bad. I hate this box. I hate being invisible. I hate that I let him do that to me. But what's the point? It's not like it will really matter when they bury me in a box. Nobody will ever even know what happened that night or all the nights before. They'll never know that this little girl hurt so bad and felt so invisible that she'd run to somebody just to hear the words "I Love You" just to hear someone recognize her even though she knew it was all a lie. People say guns kill. Knives kill. Drugs kill. Pills kill. Suicide kills. It's not true... it's being invisible, lonely and unloved that kills. I'm tired of fighting, tired of being not good enough. I wanna go for a drive and never come back... I wanna drive up into the mountains and see how far my car can fly when it hits the turn... I wanna know how long it would take them to find my rusted car at the bottom of the canyon.... I wanna know if they'd care enough to cry.... I wonder if there is one person in this world whose life would really change if I were gone. Or maybe... I'd just be another invisible statistic. I might write tomorrow.... if I make it through tonight.. we will see. Tomorrow is Sunday and I work so maybe I'll try and fight a few more days cause Ken usually comes in on Sundays I think when they get done with church or something. I hate the fact that I actually care if he comes in but because I swore I'd never care again, but even though I don't know him he seems like the only person who really sees me. And for like two seconds I feel okay..." ~Kriss  *Fall 2012*

Every time I read back over my journal entries like this I just want to cry because of the overwhelming love of my Father in heaven. Because He loved me so much to reach down in such a desperate time and turn my focus to Him. The amount of stuff I've gone through in my life is sometimes really overwhelming. But with each trial God was drawing me nearer to Him. There came a time when I had absolutely nothing... and somebody which happened to be the guy Ken who came into the grocery store where I worked urged me to give it one more try. So I talked with God. I told Him if He could take my failures, my broken self, all the dirt, if I was still worth it to Him.. I told Him I would give Him the little bit I had to offer which was a messed up shell of a person. That's when I gave Him all the pieces and He began to work. It wasn't an easy process because you will find when God wants all of us there is no area in our lives that we can keep for ourselves. I constantly fought Him. And when it came down to following God and losing my biological family... I swear that's the hardest choice I've ever made is to say, "Jesus, I will follow you, no matter the cost." It hurt, I broke (still do sometimes) and God has been in the process of refining me for the past 3+ years. 

Today... I am sold out for Jesus, I told Him I would go when He says go and stay when He says stay. Some days are a struggle and sometimes life sucks. But at the end of the day all I can do is be overwhelmed by what God has done in my life. How far He has brought me. Many times I don't get beyond "Thank you God for being so good, for loving me so unconditionally.." But I am sure that He can read the tears that are flowing down my face. He's placed me in a good family, He's given me some great friends, He taught me how to serve Him, He gave me kids to teach, He has done such amazing things in my life that it is becoming harder and harder for the world to tear my gaze off of my Jesus. He is my world. He is my everything. He is so good. He loves me unconditionally. I am His daughter and I am loved. 

I will go anywhere,
I will do anything,
I will give up all,
I will let Him run my life,
And no matter what people say...
It's no sacrifice. 

I'll try to keep blogging some more. You will find more and more of my life story being told. Not for sympathy, not for attention, not for likes, comments or shares. Only for the glory of my Jesus. So please let Him draw you near, open your heart to Him and let Him in. I guarantee you will never be the same again and it is well worth it. Keep up the good fight, stay in the race, focus your eyes on Christ.

~KrissElise

A Snapshot of Honesty

 This blog post is a couple journal entries I wrote while in the midst of one of my deepest struggles. (sorry for the run on sentences and no paragraphs. Sometimes my journals are like that) If you read my next blog post called "Overcoming The Impossible" I talk more about the journey.

"Sometimes to get better you have to trust somebody else more than you trust yourself, because your perceptions and habits are deeply flawed, based on a lie. Even when your mind is screaming how wrong it is... you have to eat the crackers, you have to stay away from the scale even when it's screaming out your name, begging and pleading and every fiber in your being wants to see what numbers are on the screen. To know whether you can eat or not. But you know that you can't do it because he told you to stay away from it. And you eat dinner even though you wanna throw up, because you can't argue with her. If you don't eat she'll take you to the doctor. And when you are so tired you don't wanna even argue... you want to prove to them that you can get better because you don't want them to give up on you. It's ending the day and he asks how you did and your mind is trying to separate what you think is good compared to what he thinks is good and making sure you don't use the bathroom directly after meals so he doesn't have to wonder if you are throwing up. It's when he asks questions and you don't know how to answer cause you don't want to see the disappointment on his face, although you haven't seen it there. When he asks if you've eaten and it's impossible to lie. And Mama asking if you are gonna eat dinner but you know it's a statement rather than a question. Being scared cause you feel awful when you haven't eaten all day but sick to your stomach when you do eat. Not knowing what to do or even what recovery looks like. Questioning whether you are even sick at all or if they just think you are. Him saying he can't just sit by and do nothing.That he won't sit and watch me die. It's not an option. It's the fact that they have no clue what to do but they told me that they would walk every step with me and are proving that to be true. Knowing that it would have been so much easier to walk away but they chose to stay. Because their love runs that deep. And I don't feel worth it but they say that I am and I have to believe it. And when he tells me I'm beautiful and just for a moment with his loving Daddy arms around me I actually believe him. They don't give up and I just don't get it. And sometimes it's just so hard I want to give up and forget it but I can't do that to them and the thoughts just scream in my mind and I just want a moment of silence but they continue to scream and I'm fighting the devil and fighting Satan and I'm trying to live for God but half the time it seems fake because I'm still so messed up. I'm scared of other people finding out. Scared of my biological family finding out and their judgmental words of accusation that cut to the core and I know somehow I should have been better but I didn't choose this and they wouldn't understand. It's not just as easy as simply eating. It's the things that lie deeper beneath that I'm scared to uncover but he says they aren't as scary when they are brought to the light and he's right and some things have gotten easier but it's still so freaking hard and what am I gonna do if they ever leave me? But I have to live like they aren't going to cause all they have ever done is prove to me they are gonna stay. And I might talk to that counselor but I don't know if I really want to and I don't know if I can actually open up to somebody else. Even if they are used to dealing with this kind of thing. It's so hard to trust people and to let them see the messed up, the dark, the mistakes. Some days I feel optimistic, other days I feel like I'm never gonna get better that I'm just too freaking messed up. And out of all the people in the world why me? Why me to deserve their love and affection? And I push people away and they don't understand why. And I can't tell them because then they would see me differently. And I can't handle much more rejection and my best friend still can't talk to me and maybe it's best because maybe I am just a bad influence on her and how can I help her unless I help myself? But focusing on myself is selfish and I should be focusing on others but then it kills me inside and drains my joy and I'm stuck in a pit I don't know how to get out of and nights are soo long. I know for sure that they love me, I have no doubt now because if they didn't really love me they wouldn't still be walking with me. They wouldn't find a way. They wouldn't get me help. And I want them to know that I am trying, I want them to know how desperately badly I want to get better but how freaking hard it is. And I work all the time and maybe it's just cause the work needs done or maybe it's because I can escape life, because I can work knowing it's burning the calories of the food I ate and I can't take a day off because if I do I can't eat and they are gonna know because they ask questions. Sometimes I think he can tell just by looking into my eyes and I hate that I've given them so much control but maybe in reality I never gave it to them and they just snuck in and stole it but maybe it's a good thing because if they didn't I wouldn't have a chance to get better cause nobody loves me like they do. Nobody cares enough to do something and I'm not sure I'd ever trust somebody else enough either and I don't want to bother them but without them I won't get better... and I don't know, I just don't know sometimes... and I hate letting them have control but I'd rather that they have the control instead of the food because I know they have my best interest in mind. And right now I don't have the control because my thoughts are all messed up. And I look at them and realize what a gift I have in them, what great love, I can't understand it and I know that God's love for me is even so much deeper.. and like on Thanksgiving night Daddy said that they are on my side, they are fighting for me. What a great thing to know they are fighting for and with me. And maybe, just maybe I can do this. Maybe because he believes I can, someday I will believe I can too. And maybe someday I can say that it once had control but doesn't anymore." ~Kriss

"Tonight kinda broke me. Mama talked to me. Reality kinda smacked me in the face. I have to get better. Even if not for me but I have to for them. I have to for each one of them. Daddy wants me to keep a meal plan. As much as that scares me I know I don't have any other choice. One step forward. I know from here on out I just have to start believing them and doing what they say. To keep my mind looking forward I'm gonna write down five things to motivate me to keep on track."

1.Have energy to play with Gavin again. 
2.Have energy to go on walks with Caleb.
3. Be able to go hiking again.
4. Stop feeling like crud all the time.
5. Be healthy to go on mission trips.

~Kriss

"Today is Monday. He just asked me not to weigh myself til Monday... which is today. But I know that he wouldn't want me to now because it will just send me spiraling down again. And I want to please him way more than the stupid voice in my head so today I'm gonna say no... I'm not defined by the numbers on the scale and my Daddy loves me so I don't have to listen." ~Kriss

"Today is the third day of me being on the meal plan that Daddy put me on. Monday I did okayish. Yesterday I didn't do very good at all, today is the first day I've actually mostly followed the meal plan. It's soo much food... makes me feel sick and fat and disgusting. So yeah... On the bright side I've had more energy today than I have in a long time and I haven't felt like fainting at all so I guess that is good..." ~Kriss

Just Another Story, Or A Life Changer?

One of the greatest lessons I learned in Uganda was from a three year old. He grabbed my heart and changed my life. 

In America it often seems that our lives revolve around complaining. 

Work: We complain about our boss, how we don't like the hours, about the customers, paperwork, paycheck, that our break was too short or that our coworker did this or that and we don't like it. 

School: I don't like the teachers or they don't like me. We get upset cause we can't text in class and the food wasn't good at lunch. There is constant drama and complaining about classmates and the bus was late. They gave me a tardy slip for being late to class and we complain, we don't pay attention in class and then are upset when our report cards have low grades.

Driving: My car is either too warm or too cold, there's a problem with every other driver out there, there's too much traffic, why are we stopped. What do you mean you pulled me over for speeding? Now you made me late for work. The road construction is taking too long and I don't know why they don't pave this bumpy road. While we are at it, gas should be cheaper too.

Church: Pastor preached too long, the chairs weren't comfy, the time isn't convenient and I have to drive ten whole minutes to get there. I didn't like what was taught. I don't want to commit, I don't have time or money to give and I just want to come when I want.

Starting to get the theme here? I won't even take you into people's homes or the rest of the areas of life. Let's just look at these complains above... they all pretty much sum up into this. 

I want my own way. If I don't get my own way I will stomp my feet and throw a fit. The world should revolve around me, the most important one is me, myself and I. If I don't like it, it shouldn't happen. Everybody should do what I want. When I want. How I want. 

Sadly this is so typical in America. We all fall into that mindset sometimes and in different areas of life. We are all guilty of doing this. Often without even realizing it. That's where Ivan comes in. 

I met Ivan in July when I served at the Rafiki Africa Children's Home in Uganda. He was the first child to greet me when I came downstairs on that first day. He ran up to me and wrapped his little arms around my leg saying "Auntie! Auntie!" Out of all the kids he stood out to me. He was a bright little guy. Always had a bright little smile plastered across his face that lit up the entire room. He was always ready for hugging and cuddling and loved to learn. His little eyes looked up at me with adoration and would constantly seek approval of his work as I helped teach him. It made me curious... why he was here... where his parents were... what his past was to make him such a ball of sunshine. 

This is what I learned.

I've been abused, I was abandoned, locked inside my house with my baby sister when my mother left. She never came back. We got sick, we were hungry and scared. Finally after what seemed like years our neighbors called the police. We were picked up and taken to the police station. Some people came and got us. The lady was nice. I don't have much to give but what I had I gave. A hug and a smile. We were taken to a home with other kids. My baby sister was really sick. She died. I've been here for a couple months now. I'm not sick anymore and I get to eat meals cause nice people provide them for me. I get to learn colors and the alphabet. I get to learn about God. In life you have to smile. You have to love unconditionally. And give lots of hugs. Life isn't about me. 

That's Ivan's life. He's just a tiny little kid and can't tell his story right now but I heard it from one of the social workers whom I asked. And that is how I imagine him telling the story in his eyes. I could not believe that such a little bright, sunny, happy kid came from such a dark and desperate place. It really challenged me. How many things in our lives, my life are so insignificant yet we spend so much time complaining. How many of the things in our past do we use as an excuse of why we can't move forward? Honestly if this little kid could go through the unspeakable things he did yet love so unconditionally, have such a bright smile and outlook on life... what does that say about us? Maybe we should stop focusing on us. Start looking outward. Stop complaining about the little insignificant things. Stop using the things in our past as reasons not to move forward, but to use those to drive us closer to God. Drive us into radical, crazy lives for Him. 

SO WHAT WILL YOU DO? 

Is this merely another story you read, another blog post that might make you feel emotion and move you yet once you close your browser nothing changes? I plead with you, let Ivan's story make a difference. Through His story God can change our lives, challenge us to eradicate selfish behaviors from our lives. But only if we let it. ~KrissElise

My Precious Ivan