"Sometimes to get better you have to trust somebody else more than you trust yourself, because your perceptions and habits are deeply flawed, based on a lie. Even when your mind is screaming how wrong it is... you have to eat the crackers, you have to stay away from the scale even when it's screaming out your name, begging and pleading and every fiber in your being wants to see what numbers are on the screen. To know whether you can eat or not. But you know that you can't do it because he told you to stay away from it. And you eat dinner even though you wanna throw up, because you can't argue with her. If you don't eat she'll take you to the doctor. And when you are so tired you don't wanna even argue... you want to prove to them that you can get better because you don't want them to give up on you. It's ending the day and he asks how you did and your mind is trying to separate what you think is good compared to what he thinks is good and making sure you don't use the bathroom directly after meals so he doesn't have to wonder if you are throwing up. It's when he asks questions and you don't know how to answer cause you don't want to see the disappointment on his face, although you haven't seen it there. When he asks if you've eaten and it's impossible to lie. And Mama asking if you are gonna eat dinner but you know it's a statement rather than a question. Being scared cause you feel awful when you haven't eaten all day but sick to your stomach when you do eat. Not knowing what to do or even what recovery looks like. Questioning whether you are even sick at all or if they just think you are. Him saying he can't just sit by and do nothing.That he won't sit and watch me die. It's not an option. It's the fact that they have no clue what to do but they told me that they would walk every step with me and are proving that to be true. Knowing that it would have been so much easier to walk away but they chose to stay. Because their love runs that deep. And I don't feel worth it but they say that I am and I have to believe it. And when he tells me I'm beautiful and just for a moment with his loving Daddy arms around me I actually believe him. They don't give up and I just don't get it. And sometimes it's just so hard I want to give up and forget it but I can't do that to them and the thoughts just scream in my mind and I just want a moment of silence but they continue to scream and I'm fighting the devil and fighting Satan and I'm trying to live for God but half the time it seems fake because I'm still so messed up. I'm scared of other people finding out. Scared of my biological family finding out and their judgmental words of accusation that cut to the core and I know somehow I should have been better but I didn't choose this and they wouldn't understand. It's not just as easy as simply eating. It's the things that lie deeper beneath that I'm scared to uncover but he says they aren't as scary when they are brought to the light and he's right and some things have gotten easier but it's still so freaking hard and what am I gonna do if they ever leave me? But I have to live like they aren't going to cause all they have ever done is prove to me they are gonna stay. And I might talk to that counselor but I don't know if I really want to and I don't know if I can actually open up to somebody else. Even if they are used to dealing with this kind of thing. It's so hard to trust people and to let them see the messed up, the dark, the mistakes. Some days I feel optimistic, other days I feel like I'm never gonna get better that I'm just too freaking messed up. And out of all the people in the world why me? Why me to deserve their love and affection? And I push people away and they don't understand why. And I can't tell them because then they would see me differently. And I can't handle much more rejection and my best friend still can't talk to me and maybe it's best because maybe I am just a bad influence on her and how can I help her unless I help myself? But focusing on myself is selfish and I should be focusing on others but then it kills me inside and drains my joy and I'm stuck in a pit I don't know how to get out of and nights are soo long. I know for sure that they love me, I have no doubt now because if they didn't really love me they wouldn't still be walking with me. They wouldn't find a way. They wouldn't get me help. And I want them to know that I am trying, I want them to know how desperately badly I want to get better but how freaking hard it is. And I work all the time and maybe it's just cause the work needs done or maybe it's because I can escape life, because I can work knowing it's burning the calories of the food I ate and I can't take a day off because if I do I can't eat and they are gonna know because they ask questions. Sometimes I think he can tell just by looking into my eyes and I hate that I've given them so much control but maybe in reality I never gave it to them and they just snuck in and stole it but maybe it's a good thing because if they didn't I wouldn't have a chance to get better cause nobody loves me like they do. Nobody cares enough to do something and I'm not sure I'd ever trust somebody else enough either and I don't want to bother them but without them I won't get better... and I don't know, I just don't know sometimes... and I hate letting them have control but I'd rather that they have the control instead of the food because I know they have my best interest in mind. And right now I don't have the control because my thoughts are all messed up. And I look at them and realize what a gift I have in them, what great love, I can't understand it and I know that God's love for me is even so much deeper.. and like on Thanksgiving night Daddy said that they are on my side, they are fighting for me. What a great thing to know they are fighting for and with me. And maybe, just maybe I can do this. Maybe because he believes I can, someday I will believe I can too. And maybe someday I can say that it once had control but doesn't anymore." ~Kriss
"Tonight kinda broke me. Mama talked to me. Reality kinda smacked me in the face. I have to get better. Even if not for me but I have to for them. I have to for each one of them. Daddy wants me to keep a meal plan. As much as that scares me I know I don't have any other choice. One step forward. I know from here on out I just have to start believing them and doing what they say. To keep my mind looking forward I'm gonna write down five things to motivate me to keep on track."
1.Have energy to play with Gavin again.
2.Have energy to go on walks with Caleb.
3. Be able to go hiking again.
4. Stop feeling like crud all the time.
5. Be healthy to go on mission trips.
~Kriss
"Today is Monday. He just asked me not to weigh myself til Monday... which is today. But I know that he wouldn't want me to now because it will just send me spiraling down again. And I want to please him way more than the stupid voice in my head so today I'm gonna say no... I'm not defined by the numbers on the scale and my Daddy loves me so I don't have to listen." ~Kriss
"Today is the third day of me being on the meal plan that Daddy put me on. Monday I did okayish. Yesterday I didn't do very good at all, today is the first day I've actually mostly followed the meal plan. It's soo much food... makes me feel sick and fat and disgusting. So yeah... On the bright side I've had more energy today than I have in a long time and I haven't felt like fainting at all so I guess that is good..." ~Kriss
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