A Childhood Full Of Memories

I have no idea where you are in life these days,

It's been years since I've caught a glimpse of you around town,

Even longer since I sat down at a table across from you and talked,

But tonight I sit here and remember all the memories,

Gosh they seem so long ago, like another life,

It feels like I'm living the memories that belong to someone else,

All the years we spent growing up together, inseparable,

A childhood full of memories,

All of my happy memories as a kid belong with you,

Even all the fights we had, the make ups, 

Hours spent at night outside just because we didn't want to go in,

You were my best friend. You were my only friend.

There was nobody I really opened up to, nobody who knew my soul,

But you came the closest, you knew me deeper than anyone who lived,

From early on wherever I would be found, you weren't far away,

You were the one who I called when I was scared,

Brother you were the hero in my story,

Even in the hardest years of my life, my teens,

You were there, we played a fantasy life made of stories better than our own,

That was my greatest escape from reality,

Hiking and trapesing the mountain side, 

Spending nights beneath the stars in the cold winter night,

Then something I never thought would happen, happened,

An invisible enemy ripped through our world and tore you away from me,

Out of my hands, out of my grasp, out of my life,

I still grieve that loss, I grieve that loss because you aren't gone,

You are still here, but you aren't mine,

I watch my children and I wonder what it would be like,

The joy and fun they would have with you in their life,

I think of the bond they would be creating with you if you were here,

How much they would love you, how they would take you back,

Five years old playing in the creek,

Part of me feels numb, unmoved, unfeeling, 

But really it's just protecting the cracks that run through part of my life,

The part where you should be, the brother, the uncle, the adventurer,

You may never read this, it probably won't affect a thing,

But in case you ever wonder how I feel,

I miss you. I love you. I pray one day I'll hug you again this side of heaven,

I pray that my kids would have the chance to meet you, 

To know you, to love you like I do, 

Create memories that they would carry with them,

Pass down generations,

I pray one day those cracks would be restored,

Until then.... I pray that God watches over you, brings you peace and brings you back into my part of the world, over to my side of town. 

~Kriss Elise

 

Fearlessly Loving

During the course of my life I've always been a risk taker. I've been the adventurous one. Even as a young child I wanted to climb highest in the tree, wanted to get the farthest out on the big branch overlooking the rushing creek, I always wanted to get to the top of everything, and as I got older it became a little more intense, and a little more risk taking. It would be getting to the peak of the mountain in record time, jumping into the ice cold lake and feeling the biting water touch my bare skin, climbing up the cliffs that reach into the sky, standing on a rock ledge looking down on little bitty trees, knowing that if you fall, there is nothing there to catch you. I got a rush from that. 

I was one who never liked rules, or boundaries. I felt boxed in, stuck in a cage. Each day daring to cross farther over the line, adventure farther into the wilderness of the unknown, but always returning to the box that was to keep me safe, nobody ever knowing how far I really wandered. Then there are people, there are relationships and love... that, I was no good at. I didn't take risks, in fact I preferred to hide. I'd much rather spend my time alone, lying on the roof gazing at the stars than I would to take the risk to love and be loved. I'd been hurt to much for that. I was perfectly okay with staying inside my comfortable little box when it came to love.

Slowly I learned how to love, I learned that it is okay to love, and to be loved. And over the years.... I've taken risks, I've realized what love is, I became okay with it.... until it came to that one guy.... then I went back into my box, content to let the world spin on without anybody ever knowing my true feelings. Especially him. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of not having control, afraid of rejection. Most of all, afraid that I'd hurt him, that I'd mess it up. 

And then there's that moment when your focus totally and radically changes. Because you realize that you might have cancer. There's the waiting, the doctor appointments, the praying and more waiting.  There's that night when you are out walking in the cool evening air, feeling the smooth concrete sidewalk beneath your bare feet, you are watching the sun set and turn the sky into shades of amber red. You see all the little things of life in a new way, with a new focus... his text tone plays on my phone and I can't help but let that smile light my face as my heart takes a little leap, and in that second I realize that I want him to know, everything... I want him to know me, I want him to know exactly how I feel about him, I want to love him, I want to take the risk to love fearlessly. Because I don't want to leave this world with never letting some of my most passionate feelings show. I don't want him to ever wonder how I really felt, or what I really thought. With love, there is always risk. But it's one I'm willing to take. Break down the walls, crush the fears, and see how good it can be. Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone, we need to free ourselves to love and to live. To embrace and to cherish.. where will I be in five years? I have no idea, but I'm not going to miss one moment of this beautiful, amazing, incredible, unique season of my life. 

So go out there and take risks, follow God's lead, love with abandon, cherish the little things, spend time with the people close to you, step across the line, cross all the boundaries, live a radical life because everything can change in an instant, live so that whenever you find yourself at the end, you can say these three things, I constantly strove to surrender and follow God with my entire being, I loved others without holding back, and I lived a full life, reveling in the blessings God poured over His precious child. 

~KrissElise