One of the books I've been reading through recently to strengthen my marriage is called Marriage Matters by Winston T. Smith. It's a great book written on the foundation of God's word. Winston tells it like it is. This section really stood out to me as I read it and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Honor Considers How to Build You Up
Love isn't about getting your spouse to fill your sense of need. Jack Miller offers a great definition of what it means to serve one another in love: "Practically it means to labor to make others successful." Love involves your effort to make your spouse successful. What does it mean to be successful?
Recall that being made in the image of God means you have a destiny. As we've learned, you were created to mature and grow to be more like God, Have you ever looked at your spouse and considered that he or she was made to be a picture of God here on earth? Sin has done a lot to make it difficult for us to see that image in each other at times. Understanding that it's your job to shine and polish that image is one way to think about what it means to love your spouse,. When you're in tune with the fact that you stand before an image bearer and child of the almighty God, it's hard to see that person as an object that exists for your purposes. C.S. Lewis explained the weightiness of this reality and the obligations it brings this way:
"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people, You have never talked to a mere mortal."
Love practically means to labor to make your spouse successful. Wow. That is so true but a point that we can tend to pass over in life and marriage. One thing that this made me contemplate is the two drastically different choices we have. To build up or to tear down. To draw closer or to push away. To many wives the chores of home life become mundane. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, more dishes, caring for kids and/or pets, shopping, budgeting, go to bed just to get up and repeat. It can become tiring and never ending sometimes. I am blessed that God has drawn me to seek joy in the mundane. This section out of this book reminded me of another reason I do what I do. Because of love. When I cook dinner, serve my husband lunch, clean the house, fold the laundry... I'm telling him I love him in one of the best ways I know how. I am laboring to help him succeed. It makes his job and life easier and happier when he has home cooked meals and things around the home are taken care of. It helps him succeed as a husband. If he came home to the house trashed, three day old dishes in the sink, no clean laundry and no food, it would make it more difficult for him to fulfill his role as a husband.
Likewise, as he labors to love me, it helps me to succeed as a wife. When I can count on him to be there to fix things when they break, to provide a roof over our heads, it makes my job easier because I have less to worry about. When the car needs repairs, the pipes are frozen or I'm overwhelmed I can count on him and he helps me succeed. We've actually had several instances lately where he chose to react giving in love which drew us closer together instead of choosing himself and creating a barrier.
A perfect example would be the time recently that our puppy Jake, woke up in the middle of the night and would not go back to sleep. I'd taken him outside, played with him, gave him water and tried to get him to go to sleep to no avail. I was particularly frustrated and emotional that night and Travis woke up to me crying. It would have been perfectly reasonable for him to tell me I was crazy, overemotional, being silly, but he didn't, instead he lovingly told me to go to sleep, that he would take care of the dog. That was a choice he made to serve in love. And in that 2am moment my heart grew just a tad fonder of the man that I fell in love with.
One other example before I end this post would be the time recently that we were meeting two other couples for a movie date night. He'd worked all day and part of the night, and was frustrated when circumstances ended up with us being late to head to the movie. Then the car headlights were glitching out and in the moment he spoke to me in a frustrated tone of voice. I don't deal well with people being upset, frustrated or mad and I tend to blame myself for anything that goes wrong. We were finally headed to the movie, him frustrated and me in tears. Now anybody who has been married for a time knows that this is part of life, it happens. And again, there are two different ways people can respond. Me, I knew he was just frustrated and didn't intend to snap at me. He assured me that it wasn't my fault and that he wasn't mad at me and we went to the movie, had a great time. I totally forgot about it. Later after we got home my amazing husband came to me and apologized for snapping at me and making me cry. Again, bringing us closer together instead of pushing us apart. My respect and admiration for him moved to another level. There is something absolutely admirable about a man coming to his wife and apologizing when he feels he has wronged her. That's one of the things I love most about him, the way he is always thoughtful and aware of his actions and how they impact me. He chooses to speak with grace and encouragement and is not afraid to man up and say sorry when needed. We need more men, husbands and fathers like him in this world. All I know, is I am the most lucky, blessed woman alive to spend my life with this man. I can see God smiling down on him, proud of the man he is and is becoming.
So if you take one thing out of this post, let it be this. Husbands, wives, remember, your actions and your words show your spouse how much you value and love them. The way your react, the way you choose to show up is very important to the intimacy of your relationship. Every word, every action, ever act of labor, every time you react, you are either speaking life or taking away. Be a spouse that chooses to give life and you will see your marriage thrive in ways that are unspeakable.
Keep striving in faith and never give up.
In Christ's Love, KrissElise
I want to share a struggle with all of you that my fiance and I had recently because I think others can learn from what I experienced. Today when I was talking to a young woman about life I used it as an example because it applies to many parts of life whether you are in a relationship or not. Therefore I decided to blog about it.
There was a decision lately that my fiance made to go in a certain direction that he felt that God was leading him in ministry. Being the amazing man that he is, he brought it up with me and asked how I felt about it. We discussed it, agreed and life went on. However, I have a very hard time with change. I'd spent the last few years doing something a certain way and it was difficult for me to switch. Even though I knew that he was following God's leading, even though I wanted to follow his leadership, even though I believed what he wanted to do was a good thing. After a couple weeks went by I was upset about something else and we were talking when the subject came back up. Something during our discussion stood out to me. He reminded me of something I already knew but needed refreshed in my mind. He talked to me about how attitude is really important. How he felt like I was just present and wasn't wanting to be there or enjoying being part of what God was calling him to do. I'm a kind of emotional person and the conversation ended in tears on my part. But because I have an incredible man who supports and encourages me, instead of feeling bad and beating myself up about how I had handled things his gentleness drove me into prayer about the issue.
After having some good "God time" I realized that there is a difference between doing something just because you know it's right and fear the consequences rather than submitting with joy. So I asked myself. Why am I not having a joyful heart? What is my heart motive? And while I pondered that I realized that I had a bad attitude because I was focused on me. So I began to ask myself, "how do I find joy in this?" For me, it was the simple realization that my deepest desire is to love and serve God and in turn love and serve my husband. My desire is to walk with him where God leads, help him and serve alongside him. So while he was at work I wrote him a letter. First apologizing for my wrong attitude. Second explaining why I felt the way I did and third telling him what my desire was. To serve with him, to follow where God leads with a joyful heart. I told him how much I loved him and how I looked forward to where God was leading us.
Now I know some will jump to conclusions, they will get all butt-hurt over the fact that I mention the words submission and obedience. They will worry that I'm just letting a guy make all the decisions and that I'm forced to follow. But before anybody gets that far let me say this, it was the most amazing feeling ever for him to read that letter, to come find me, talk to me, thank me and love me. It drew us closer together and closer to God. Now as we move forward in ministry we are of the same mind and heart and I can help him with joy, love and admiration as he leads. All because of the condition of my heart.
So for you guys out there reading this... if you take away anything from this post let it be this... there will be times when the woman in your life isn't following your lead like she should be, there will be times that she's headed down a different path than you or disagrees with you. That's a given fact, give it enough time it's gonna happen. But when it does, you have two choices. You could pull the Bible out and tell her how she's a woman so she's supposed to be submitted to you and that she's wrong, dragging you down or affecting things in a negative way. Or you can come to her gently like Travis did. He had a conversation and said exactly what he thought, he told the truth for what it was. He told me how my attitude affected the ministry that God was leading him in. It affected the others involved and it affected his attitude. Yet all the while he was gentle, he was encouraging, he reminded me of how blessed he is to have me in his life, he hugged me, he told me he loved me. The first way, more than likely is going to grow the distance between the two of you. It's going to make things worse as she will probably react in opposition. The second way will hopefully draw you together, she will look up to you as you lead her gently, and love her all the while.
For the women... you cannot control how your partner comes to you. A wise man once told me that the only thing you can control in a conversation is how you show up. That's very true and something I try to remember in life. Hopefully when there is an issue your man will come to you gently, with love and respect like mine did. However, either way, you get to control how you show up. You are not responsible for him, only for you. There will be times when your partner/husband comes to you to discuss an area where you are wrong. Please listen to what he says, affirm his place as the godly leader in your relationship. Let him know you hear what he is saying and let it drive you into prayer about it. Try your best to see where he is coming from. If he brought it up he must think it matters. When you are wrong, swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness. Find out your heart motive, find joy in service, obedience and submission. When you do, you will find like I have that it is a blessing and not a curse.
For those of you not in a relationship, (and even those who are) what are areas currently in your life that you are living in obedience and submission but do not have joyful heart and attitude? How can you change that? Also remember like Colossians 4:6 says, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer each person." Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." There are many, many verses on how we should speak with grace, uplifting one another with our words. Speaking life. It makes a world of difference.
I could and will spend the rest of my life talking about how incredible my man is. Not because he himself is good and worthy of praise but because he lets God work and live through him. Because every day he tries to be a better man. Because he realizes that he is unworthy of all that God has given him starting with the very breath he breathes. I am blessed to have him as my spiritual and life leader. I am honored to be his wife, submitted to him, loving him, serving him, and walking through life alongside him. It is the greatest blessing to be with him through the good, the rough and the indifferent. I hope something out of this touched your heart and will lead you to be a more godly man or woman. It's a journey, we won't get it perfect but as long as each day we are focusing on reflecting Christ better to those around us we will be getting somewhere.
Remind your significant other how lucky you are to have them. Tell them how much you love them. Live the godly life and don't give up hope. Keep faith.
In Christ, KrissElise
