Would You Love Me? Even With My Dark Side?

Somebody asked me a question a little while back that I know is one a lot of people wonder but don’t know who to ask. I know it’s one I myself often wondered. 

“Were you ever worried that you’d never meet someone who could handle being with you through both the good and bad? I’m so worried that someone is gonna fall for my “good” side, but drop me when I need them the most, like through anxiety and other things I struggle with.”

My answer? Yes. Oh yes. On the outside a lot of people see me as being this perfect person and having this perfect life. I’m told that all the time. It drives me crazy because people unintentionally put me in this box where I feel I have to be perfect all the time otherwise I will fail them. But that’s a topic for another day. The point being, on the outside… when people first get to know me, they see a happy girl living a happy life and assume it was always that way. But what they don’t see is all the experiences and trials I've went through in life. They don’t know how far I've come and how far I still have to go. They don't know about what I deal with every single day. So here goes…

I met this really amazing guy in the spring of 2013… three years later we would be dating… a few months after that we would know that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

During the course of our time dating, he has continually amazed me. Which actually started before we were “officially” in a relationship. I remember earlier this spring when we had reconnected and were talking about where our relationship was going. Very soon after that I found out that I might have cancer. There was a week of doctor appointments and tests to find out. He felt God's leading to pursue a relationship with me and was going to come down that week to ask my dad’s permission to date me. I was kind of blown away. Didn’t he want to wait to date me until he found out what the test results were? What kind of guy would want to date a girl with cancer? But that didn’t stop him. He said he would be there regardless. During that time I really started falling in love with him. That terrified me, because even though we knew quite a bit about each other by then most of what he knew about me was more surface level. I hadn't let him very far into my dark side.

Was I terrified that he’d find out and leave? Yes. There’s one thing I vowed at the beginning of our relationship. That I would be open, honest and try my darndest to communicate with him. I knew there would be hard conversations and lots of tears on my end. I believed that God was in this relationship. I believed that he led us together, that he meant us to be forever. The only thing that I didn’t understand was how God expected Travis to be able to love me, to put up with my dark side… how was he supposed to want me and desire me? In my mind he deserved so much better. I’m not going to try and pretend that I understand it. Because I don’t. I’m actually blown away by it day after day.

To sum up my past into one blog post would be impossible. There’s a lot back there tucked away safely outside of the world's grasp. One of the biggest things that I thought he’d never be able to deal with are the PTSD symptoms that I struggle with. They are the effect of dealing with stuff as a child growing up and then the trauma of being physically and sexually assaulted in my later years. I added a list with some of the symptoms of PTSD at the end of my post. Now I’ve never actually been diagnosed with it, but I’ve had many people ask me about it because I deal with 80% or more of these things on a regular basis. Because it has effected me so much, I never thought I would find a guy who would see all of it and still stay. But God knows what He is doing and He gave me Travis.

The thing that hurts me the most isn’t what happened to me. Its not what I have deal with every day. It’s the fact that it hurts the man that I love most in this world. I know that he blows it off when I worry about hurting him (he thinks he’s invincible) and I know that somehow through it all our relationship grows even deeper and stronger through it. He’s rolled with my mood swings, wiped the tears from my face and let me cry into his shoulder. He's helped me with what they call an increased startle response. I startle easily and my body remembers the violence of somebody's touch that wasn't gentle. So sometimes when he reaches out to touch me I will flinch or jerk away, even though I know that he would never hurt me. It's another symptom that I deal with all the time, a reaction to any sudden touch or noise. Even though I know it bothers him he's always patient and is helps me work through it and assures me that it will get better. He deals with my social anxiety like a champ. He’s there, he’s protective, yet he pushes me out of my comfort zone and even though sometimes that frustrates me, I can’t thank him enough for it. When I'm overwhelmed his arms are always there to hold me. He deals with my insecurities and lack of self-worth. He tells me I’m beautiful even when I don’t believe him. I think the hardest of all are the nightmares and the flashbacks. It’s one of the reasons why I hate confined spaces, big groups, and crowded places. Why I'm careful who I get close with because it tends to scare people, they tend to think you are crazy, looking for attention or just plain phsyco. Most of the time I can move away by myself, I’ve learned things to help ground myself. But it’s still so hard. The first time it happened when I was with Trav I was sure that he was going to leave. But he didn’t. He didn’t even consider it. It was something really simple, tiny, insignificant that triggered me. I don’t even think he knew what was happening. One moment I was fine and the next I was a sobbing mess, shaking, tensed up, heart racing, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or talk. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. He kissed my hair and reassured me that it was just him there, that I was safe, that he wasn’t leaving me. He stayed with me until I was okay and fell asleep on his lap exhausted. And my question… What kind of guy would love a girl like that? What kind of guy sees what a mess she can be but still sees her as beautiful? What kind of guy would want to spend the rest of his life with that person? The only answer that I have is… that he is a man after God’s own heart.

This is what God has blessed me with. I remember earlier on when we were dating when we were talking on the phone late at night like we often would and he said something that has stuck with me. “You aren’t as broken as you think you are.” That was mind blowing to me. That’s when I realized, he sees something in me that I don’t. I know that what he says lines up with God’s word so it’s truth. I just have to trust his and God’s opinion instead of my own skewed one. Which is a daily challenge. I know it’s something I have to do, because someday I hope we will have a little girl and she’s gonna watch what her mom thinks and says about her own self worth and that is going to be a big part of what forms the opinion of how she views herself. I don’t want her to ever believe that she isn’t worthy of love, that she isn’t beautiful and desirable. And with it all, Travis remains patient, gentle, loving and helpful.

So what’s the point of this story you may ask? Why would I tell the world my deepest struggles? My most shameful secrets? Because I know that out there in this big, scary place there are girls just like me. Girls who have been through hard life stuff. Done things they shouldn’t. Had things happen to them. Struggle with anxiety, depression…. Even PTSD and they don’t think that any guy would love them with their dark side. I write because God is good. Because He is real to me. He has brought me so far. Did I do this on my own? No. Did I grow from the scared, terrified girl to who I am now by my own doing? Not a chance. Did I just go out and happen to find the man who is madly in love with me? Only in your dreams. It was all God. He works in my life every day, every moment, even when I don’t stop and give him the praise that He so deserves. Even when He does things in my life and I’m too busy to notice He deserves all of the glory.

So my one piece of advice for the girls out their who have asked the same questions… Yes, there are guys out there like that. You are worthy of love. If you dance with God, He will let the perfect man cut in. Focus your life on Jesus first. Devote yourself to Him. Give Him your heart. Give all the broken, shattered pieces to the only One who can glue them all back together. In the right time He will give you a man who will love every part of you. A man who will love you like Jesus does. 

There’s a quote that I really like by Paradise Fears that says “When all that’s left is your voice, you’ve got no choice but to raise it.” I can’t undo what has happened. I can’t keep other people from going through the same stuff I did. But I can do one thing. I can raise my voice for all those who can’t. I can tell my story which may be of help to those who are prisoners of silence. I will tell me story because it frees me. Because they only win when I become silent and my voice isn't heard. 

~KrissElise

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER SYMPTOMS  

(This is by no means a comprehensive list)

INCREASED ANXIETY AND EMOTIONAL AROUSAL

1.       Hypervigilance (On constant “red alert)

2.       Intense physical reactions e.g. Pounding heart, nausea, muscle tension…

3.       Irritability or outbursts of anger

4.       Irrational and intense fear

5.       Difficulty concentrating

6.       Panic attacks/anxiety/depression/mood swings

7.       Feeling jumpy and easily startled

8.       Difficulty falling or staying asleep

9.       Tense Muscles

AVOIDANCE AND NUMBING

1.       Inability to remember important aspect of the trauma

2.       Loss of interest in activities and life in general

3.       Feeling numb and empty

4.       Avoidance of people and places

5.       Feeling Isolated

6.       Social anxiety (feeling unsafe/anxious in big or crowded places)

RE-EXPERIENCING THE TRAUMATIC EVENT

1.       Flashbacks (Acting or feeling like the event is happening again)

2.       Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)

3.       Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma oneself

OTHER COMMON SYMPTOMS

1.       Feeling suicidal

2.       Self harm and self-destructive tendencies

3.       Feeling distrustful and suspicious

4.       Guilt, shame, embarrassment or self blame

5.       Misuse of alcohol/drugs/gambling and/or food

6.       Seeking out high-risk/dangerous pursuits

7.       Physical aches and pains

Hungry For God

As a leader and missionary I find myself constantly attempting to get others involved, trying to lead them into being God chasers. America as a whole struggles to get people committed to the body and to devoting their lives to following Christ. We are constantly searching for people who are hungry for God.

Here is something I read about a Pastor in America talking to an Ethiopian pastor who lived in horrible poverty. He said, “Brother, we pray for you in your poverty.” The humble Ethiopian turned  and said, “No, you don’t understand. We pray for you in your prosperity.”  Seeing the taken aback look on the American Pastor’s face he continued, “We pray for you Americans because it is much harder for you to live at the place God wants you to live in the midst of prosperity, than it is for us in the midst of our poverty.”

I think that is such a key point. Most people you meet are starving. They try to meet that desperate need with anything and everything. Now days we turn to alcohol, physics, parties, medication, programs, money, possessions, status, professional psychologists, social acceptance… the list goes on. We try to fill that emptiness inside with all the stuff that America has to offer. We come to church to check it off our list, to socialize, to meet the "religious" part of us, some even come to sit and be taught. But how many of us come just because we are God chasers? We are following Him, running towards Him, we go to church because we fully expect to meet personally with our almighty, all powerful God.

How many times do we come to church on Sundays and completely miss the presence of God only because we didn’t really expect to meet with Him? But maybe we don’t actually want to meet with Him. Do we even know when He shows up? When you go to “church” on Sunday is God going to be there in the building? If so what is He doing? What is He saying? Who is He talking to? What if He shows up to personally talk to you? One of the things that scares me the most is becoming so complacent that when He does show up we either miss Him, or He finds us comfortably tipped back in our church seat napping and when He asks us about the things He has sent us to do we will not have an answer because the list is crumpled up in the garbage can. I believe that no matter how hard we pray or ask God to work, He will not pour out His Spirit on those who do not hunger for Him.

Do we really want Jesus? Or do we just like the idea of Him? Do we just like the things He has to offer? Or do we want Him to completely ruin us for the world? Do we really want Jesus? Or do we just want to know about Him? What will it take for us to be overwhelmed by His presence? For us to fall on our knees and bow our faces in reverence to our almighty God? What will it take for us to break out of our self-induced, self-absorbed comas and start really living for the One whose blood spilled out upon Calvary’s Hill?

A couple months ago I was once again sitting at the table having a conversation with my dad when he said something that really struck me.  “The one thing that comforts me is knowing that whatever God tells you to do, you will do because you don’t know how to stop following God.”

He is right. Rewind about 9 years. It was a spring day, I was alone, terrified, depressed, and hopeless. That’s when I met Jesus. He was there all along, I can see Him when I look back on my younger years but I’d never let Him in. That day I realized that only He could fill the starving part of my soul. At the time I was still living with my birth family and I had no clue what to do about this whole “following God” thing or what a real relationship with Him was like. In fact it was a few years after that when I got to meet my adoptive dad that I really started learning about who Jesus is and who we are in Him. I suddenly found that everything I had been taught about God needed to be rearranged and redefined. 

Somewhere during all the long talks and late nights a fire was lit inside my soul, one that could not be quenched. During the short course of my lifetime I have been through many struggles. Many of the things that happened, the things I had to go through were not easy to overcome. Sometimes I still struggle with them. It’s not easy to make the decision to choose God over your family, to forgive the man who tried to rape you, forget all the voices telling you that you aren’t worth it, to find love in your heart for somebody after years of being abused, it’s not easy to miss out on your sisters growing up, or overcome depression, anxiety and self-destructive habits. It’s the hardest thing in the world to break addictions and the chains that Satan so tightly bound you with. But here’s the good part. We can choose to let those struggles make us bitter against God or we can choose to believe Romans 5:1-5

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Thankfully, my struggles ended up driving me straight into the arms of my God. And sometime during the course of finding my place in God’s plan, finding Him through the struggles and the dark I came to the realization… (I think I first really realized it when God told me to go to Peru) I came to the realization that I cannot say no. I have continually found that I am unable to say no to God. There are times when I’ll argue with him, I’ll try to rationalize and dance around the point but in the end I find that I have no choice but to follow my God wherever He leads.

Has it been easy? No way. Is it always easy now? Nope. Is it worth it? Without doubt. Many people often ask me if I could go back and restart would I? They want to know what I’d change. I struggle to answer that sometimes but in the end it always comes down to the fact that I wouldn’t change a thing. Because if I took out the tragic, the trials, the struggles, the dark parts… if I took that out... my faith wouldn’t be as deep as it is, the fire wouldn’t be quite so consuming and I wouldn’t know Jesus’s love like I do now. 

I don’t wish my life from here on out to be easy either, because if my life runs smoothly with no struggles, no parts that make me question what God is doing that make me drive deeper into His Word, I’ll become complacent. That is my biggest fear. I never want to become lukewarm, I never want to lose passion, I never want to forget how great God’s mercy and grace are over me. So I welcome the struggles, the trials that are sure to come because they will require me to take my faith to a deeper level, to run to my Father’s open arms and trust Him with my life.

And in the end… when I have done all that I was commanded, I say, “I am an unworthy servant; I have only done what was my duty.” *Luke 17-10

~KrissElise

A Snapshot of Honesty

 This blog post is a couple journal entries I wrote while in the midst of one of my deepest struggles. (sorry for the run on sentences and no paragraphs. Sometimes my journals are like that) If you read my next blog post called "Overcoming The Impossible" I talk more about the journey.

"Sometimes to get better you have to trust somebody else more than you trust yourself, because your perceptions and habits are deeply flawed, based on a lie. Even when your mind is screaming how wrong it is... you have to eat the crackers, you have to stay away from the scale even when it's screaming out your name, begging and pleading and every fiber in your being wants to see what numbers are on the screen. To know whether you can eat or not. But you know that you can't do it because he told you to stay away from it. And you eat dinner even though you wanna throw up, because you can't argue with her. If you don't eat she'll take you to the doctor. And when you are so tired you don't wanna even argue... you want to prove to them that you can get better because you don't want them to give up on you. It's ending the day and he asks how you did and your mind is trying to separate what you think is good compared to what he thinks is good and making sure you don't use the bathroom directly after meals so he doesn't have to wonder if you are throwing up. It's when he asks questions and you don't know how to answer cause you don't want to see the disappointment on his face, although you haven't seen it there. When he asks if you've eaten and it's impossible to lie. And Mama asking if you are gonna eat dinner but you know it's a statement rather than a question. Being scared cause you feel awful when you haven't eaten all day but sick to your stomach when you do eat. Not knowing what to do or even what recovery looks like. Questioning whether you are even sick at all or if they just think you are. Him saying he can't just sit by and do nothing.That he won't sit and watch me die. It's not an option. It's the fact that they have no clue what to do but they told me that they would walk every step with me and are proving that to be true. Knowing that it would have been so much easier to walk away but they chose to stay. Because their love runs that deep. And I don't feel worth it but they say that I am and I have to believe it. And when he tells me I'm beautiful and just for a moment with his loving Daddy arms around me I actually believe him. They don't give up and I just don't get it. And sometimes it's just so hard I want to give up and forget it but I can't do that to them and the thoughts just scream in my mind and I just want a moment of silence but they continue to scream and I'm fighting the devil and fighting Satan and I'm trying to live for God but half the time it seems fake because I'm still so messed up. I'm scared of other people finding out. Scared of my biological family finding out and their judgmental words of accusation that cut to the core and I know somehow I should have been better but I didn't choose this and they wouldn't understand. It's not just as easy as simply eating. It's the things that lie deeper beneath that I'm scared to uncover but he says they aren't as scary when they are brought to the light and he's right and some things have gotten easier but it's still so freaking hard and what am I gonna do if they ever leave me? But I have to live like they aren't going to cause all they have ever done is prove to me they are gonna stay. And I might talk to that counselor but I don't know if I really want to and I don't know if I can actually open up to somebody else. Even if they are used to dealing with this kind of thing. It's so hard to trust people and to let them see the messed up, the dark, the mistakes. Some days I feel optimistic, other days I feel like I'm never gonna get better that I'm just too freaking messed up. And out of all the people in the world why me? Why me to deserve their love and affection? And I push people away and they don't understand why. And I can't tell them because then they would see me differently. And I can't handle much more rejection and my best friend still can't talk to me and maybe it's best because maybe I am just a bad influence on her and how can I help her unless I help myself? But focusing on myself is selfish and I should be focusing on others but then it kills me inside and drains my joy and I'm stuck in a pit I don't know how to get out of and nights are soo long. I know for sure that they love me, I have no doubt now because if they didn't really love me they wouldn't still be walking with me. They wouldn't find a way. They wouldn't get me help. And I want them to know that I am trying, I want them to know how desperately badly I want to get better but how freaking hard it is. And I work all the time and maybe it's just cause the work needs done or maybe it's because I can escape life, because I can work knowing it's burning the calories of the food I ate and I can't take a day off because if I do I can't eat and they are gonna know because they ask questions. Sometimes I think he can tell just by looking into my eyes and I hate that I've given them so much control but maybe in reality I never gave it to them and they just snuck in and stole it but maybe it's a good thing because if they didn't I wouldn't have a chance to get better cause nobody loves me like they do. Nobody cares enough to do something and I'm not sure I'd ever trust somebody else enough either and I don't want to bother them but without them I won't get better... and I don't know, I just don't know sometimes... and I hate letting them have control but I'd rather that they have the control instead of the food because I know they have my best interest in mind. And right now I don't have the control because my thoughts are all messed up. And I look at them and realize what a gift I have in them, what great love, I can't understand it and I know that God's love for me is even so much deeper.. and like on Thanksgiving night Daddy said that they are on my side, they are fighting for me. What a great thing to know they are fighting for and with me. And maybe, just maybe I can do this. Maybe because he believes I can, someday I will believe I can too. And maybe someday I can say that it once had control but doesn't anymore." ~Kriss

"Tonight kinda broke me. Mama talked to me. Reality kinda smacked me in the face. I have to get better. Even if not for me but I have to for them. I have to for each one of them. Daddy wants me to keep a meal plan. As much as that scares me I know I don't have any other choice. One step forward. I know from here on out I just have to start believing them and doing what they say. To keep my mind looking forward I'm gonna write down five things to motivate me to keep on track."

1.Have energy to play with Gavin again. 
2.Have energy to go on walks with Caleb.
3. Be able to go hiking again.
4. Stop feeling like crud all the time.
5. Be healthy to go on mission trips.

~Kriss

"Today is Monday. He just asked me not to weigh myself til Monday... which is today. But I know that he wouldn't want me to now because it will just send me spiraling down again. And I want to please him way more than the stupid voice in my head so today I'm gonna say no... I'm not defined by the numbers on the scale and my Daddy loves me so I don't have to listen." ~Kriss

"Today is the third day of me being on the meal plan that Daddy put me on. Monday I did okayish. Yesterday I didn't do very good at all, today is the first day I've actually mostly followed the meal plan. It's soo much food... makes me feel sick and fat and disgusting. So yeah... On the bright side I've had more energy today than I have in a long time and I haven't felt like fainting at all so I guess that is good..." ~Kriss

Overcoming the Impossible

I'm a successful twenty-one year old. Pastor's daughter, active in the church. I have a good job, perfect family, I'm the daughter everybody wants. My life runs smoothly, I stay out of trouble and I have my future planned out. I have no worries. I have it all together and all figured out. 

Don't you want my life?

Okay well that's a long shot out there.. but that's what a lot of people see when they look at me. On the outside... I guess that's what many see. But the real truth? Well there is much more to that than I can tell in a 500 page book. But let's put a little shot of reality into that.

I'm a twenty-one year old who loves God. I'm a pastor's daughter, I was adopted and struggle with years of turmoil with my biological family. I am successful at work, but I often stress about all the details that come with being self-employed. I've made mistakes. I was lost and broken. Jesus saved me. I've had addictions, and been held down by chains. I have a great family but like all families (with 7 brothers) they drive me crazy. I do my best at being a daughter who honors God and parents. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I will serve my God until He returns or calls me home. I am a broken, redeemed, blessed girl who still struggles, who still faces temptations of the flesh, whose life gets shaken by circumstances but has peace that God is still good and still in control no matter what. 

Soo... having that said... I'd like to give you a little insight to one of the many deep struggles I have faced, and still face today. Ever since I was really little I struggled with self-worth. The earliest time I remember thinking I was fat or ugly, I was five years old, almost six. I was going to be the flower girl in a wedding. All the dresses were being handmade by a lady we knew. I cried and screamed when I was supposed to take my shirt off to get the dress fitted.. I didn't want her to see how fat and disgusting I was. At the time I didn't realize my thoughts were unusual. That was normal to me. Now.. it breaks my heart. I wasn't even six years old. 

January 2000

The first time I remember somebody actually noticing that something was wrong wasn't until late in my teens, I had met the people who are now Mama and Daddy to me. We had taken the youth from church out for kickball at the park after bowling. We had lunch there and I didn't eat. Dad asked a couple times if I was going to eat and I told him I wasn't hungry. I was lying in the grass when he came and sat by me and asked me point blank. "Are you starving yourself?" A million thoughts flew through my mind. I told him "No." with the tone of voice that says "Are you crazy?"

I'm not sure when he actually had a clue of what was going on but I'm pretty sure he had an idea before I actually really knew. After that he'd often make comments like "You know it's okay to eat right?" He'd randomly bring up concepts about eating, calories and nutrition. Or express concern that I wasn't eating enough for the energy I was expending. Soon after is when a lot of really hard circumstances came up in my life. Stuff that nobody really had a clue how to help me with even if I had let them in to know. As some messed up way to try and be accepted and have control of my life is when I got to that really bad place. I was dropping weight fast enough that quite a few people started to notice, including my adoptive Mom and Dad. That's when they got really concerned. 
  
I was quickly spiraling downward. I remember many times in my teens skipping meals and restricting food intake. I never had a positive self-image because of a lot of things that happened in my past. I think part of my struggle was always trying to get my biological father to accept me. So I drove myself to be "skinny enough" and "perfect enough" which was actually a goal I would never be able to attain in my own eyes. At some point it had become an addiction. I believe part of it had to do with control. When my life around me spun into chaos I knew I had control of one thing a least. Honestly I still don't know all of what caused it, I may never know. All I know is it brought me to a scary place, a place where I always felt completely drained, I'd spend entire days with most of the time sleeping on the couch, I'd go 36 hours without a meal. Most of the time when I did eat I felt physically sick. More and more foods I put on the "can't eat list". I found myself often eating dinner when I needed to so people would be happy and then throwing it back up. Even then I hadn't really admitted that there was a problem.

I guess with eating disorders, anyway in my case, I completely lost common sense when it came to weight, eating, exercising etc. To me, what I was doing seemed completely sensible. I had no concept of what was healthy and what was actually hurting me, by the time that I realized what I was doing was harming myself, I was so far into the messed up realm of borderline anorexia that I didn't know how to stop, I didn't know what was right, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get better. It was hard enough just to get through the day, I couldn't think about the future. At my lowest weight I was about 15 lbs lower than what my body naturally gravitates to. I didn't really fully realize the severity of it until the night Mom really had a hard talk with me, it was the same night Dad came and sat down on the couch next to me with three different meal plans. He told me to pick one. That is when he told me that he couldn't sit by and do nothing. That it was either that or he was taking me to the hospital. He told me that he wouldn't let me kill myself even if I couldn't see that, that is what I was doing. I saw the worry on his face, the tears in his eyes and I knew that if not for me, I had to get better for them. Because I they loved me and they deserved for me to at least try. That was the beginning of recovery. 

The full details of what "recovery" was like for me would have to be saved for another blog post. But one thing is for sure. Recovery is possible. Looking back now I realize I did the impossible. How did I do that? Certainly not in my own strength. The only glory and praise to be given is all for my Jesus. He was my strength, my rock, my everything. Without Him I would have never made it off the ground. He gave me everything that I needed. It was one of the hardest battles of my life, but I know He provides freedom. He provided me with such supportive and unconditionally loving parents and brother who helped me through the really rough stuff. The thing is... what is recovery? A lot of people believe that when you are "recovered" it doesn't affect you anymore. And it's not actually true. 

I still fight everyday. I'm still tempted to skip meals, I find I start restricting foods and amounts, I want to burn more calories without increasing my food intake, I still feel disgusting some days and want to throw up the meal I just ate. I will probably fight those things for the rest of my life in some form or another. Especially when I'm really stressed and things are out of my hands and I want that little bit of control. But what I can say is it doesn't have control anymore and my God is bigger and more important. So everyday I choose to lay down my life, multiple times a day I choose righteousness over sin. With God's strength in me I conquer the evil of this world. 

As I grow in Christ I am learning to accept myself, that I don't need everybody's approval, because my maker loves me and calls me beautiful. I know that society's view of beautiful is really messed up. I'm starting not to care. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm okay with the girl looking back at me. I'm gaining more confidence. Less insecure. And so I keep on keeping on. One day at a time, striving for the great things out there that God has for me and I will keep on growing and giving up myself for my Jesus until He calls me home or comes back for me. 

So why am I posting this for the world to see? Because I believe that Satan's power lies in the silence. I refuse to let him win. I know there are many others who struggle secretly, who are dying because they are afraid of being rejected. Afraid of speaking out. I believe that this is one of the many struggles in life that if I am willing, God can use to help others. If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone in this fight. Stay strong <3 Keep on. <3

~KrissElise