IF

If you saw me on the street, I wonder,

Would you stop? Or would you pass on by?

Pretend you didn’t notice me, go your way,

If you got the chance to hold me,

Would you hold me tenderly?

Or would you refuse to touch me,

Afraid that I’ll contaminate you,

If you got the chance for a do-over,

Would you take it? Would you spend more time?

Or would you still shut me inside that invisible cage?

If I looked into your eyes,

Would I see your love for me?

Or would it still be that disappointed stare,

Through your blank and emotionless eyes,

If I put my ear to your chest,

Would I hear that your heart beats for me?

Or would I find that it doesn’t beat at all?

If I died tonight,

Would you wish to turn back the hands of time?

Or would you just show up,

Pretend you care, pretend to show emotion,

Then go home and continue your life?

If you saw me now, living my life,

Would you realize that you missed out?

That you didn’t get to be a part of these years,

Would you be happy for me?

Or would you hate that I’m living a beautiful life?

If you saw me now would you want me?

Or would I still be just as worthless?

If you could see me now…. Would you want to call me yours?

Cause all I hear from you is… Stone… Cold…. Silence….

And the children’s laughter down the hall,

It drowns out all the dark, it pushes you out of my mind,

What is one more day without you?

I never even really knew what it was like,

To spend a day with you,

I may want you, but I don’t really need you,

You proved that to me, by letting me walk this world alone,

I may want your approval, but I don’t need it,

So here’s to the rest of my life,

I live for an audience of One,

And that one is my Jesus.

~KrissElise

Changes and an Update

The first two months of 2016 have started out with lots of changes. Most of them are exciting changes but changes nonetheless. 

January started off with bidding my grandmother Delores farewell as she left this world to spend the rest of her life with our precious Jesus.

The year continued with getting to visit relatives I haven't seen in years and meet my sweet little niece KayLee.. bittersweet.

Two of our local churches are joining together as one. It's been incredible watching what God is doing among two bodies of believers to join them in unity.

Moving on from teaching children's church and into teaching the teens as God leads has been an interesting challenge. I know that God will be constantly teaching me humility, love, patience and wisdom as he leads me to teach them. I look forward to the journey of growth I will be able to see in each of the teens as well as in my own life. 

I've been able to really start connecting with a group of college age students who join together on Tuesday evenings to read the Word, fellowship and pray together. Relationships have been deepening and blossoming and I can't wait to see where it leads.

Making plans to return to Uganda this fall is something I'm really looking forward to. Lots of preparation to get ready for that, I'm super eager to get back over there and into the little village where I will be staying for just short of two months. 

And I am finally getting better after being sick for 5+ weeks. I am really looking forward to what God has planned over the summer. Starting off with the MPact Montana Conference next week that is always really good. 

I decided at the beginning of 2016 that this would be a year of stepping out of my comfort zone and living on the edge. So far it's been an exciting adventure. :) Keep in touch with my blog as I'll be trying to blog more as well this year. 

Until then, keep the faith, fight the good fight and keep your eyes focused on Jesus.

~KrissElise 

Hungry For God

As a leader and missionary I find myself constantly attempting to get others involved, trying to lead them into being God chasers. America as a whole struggles to get people committed to the body and to devoting their lives to following Christ. We are constantly searching for people who are hungry for God.

Here is something I read about a Pastor in America talking to an Ethiopian pastor who lived in horrible poverty. He said, “Brother, we pray for you in your poverty.” The humble Ethiopian turned  and said, “No, you don’t understand. We pray for you in your prosperity.”  Seeing the taken aback look on the American Pastor’s face he continued, “We pray for you Americans because it is much harder for you to live at the place God wants you to live in the midst of prosperity, than it is for us in the midst of our poverty.”

I think that is such a key point. Most people you meet are starving. They try to meet that desperate need with anything and everything. Now days we turn to alcohol, physics, parties, medication, programs, money, possessions, status, professional psychologists, social acceptance… the list goes on. We try to fill that emptiness inside with all the stuff that America has to offer. We come to church to check it off our list, to socialize, to meet the "religious" part of us, some even come to sit and be taught. But how many of us come just because we are God chasers? We are following Him, running towards Him, we go to church because we fully expect to meet personally with our almighty, all powerful God.

How many times do we come to church on Sundays and completely miss the presence of God only because we didn’t really expect to meet with Him? But maybe we don’t actually want to meet with Him. Do we even know when He shows up? When you go to “church” on Sunday is God going to be there in the building? If so what is He doing? What is He saying? Who is He talking to? What if He shows up to personally talk to you? One of the things that scares me the most is becoming so complacent that when He does show up we either miss Him, or He finds us comfortably tipped back in our church seat napping and when He asks us about the things He has sent us to do we will not have an answer because the list is crumpled up in the garbage can. I believe that no matter how hard we pray or ask God to work, He will not pour out His Spirit on those who do not hunger for Him.

Do we really want Jesus? Or do we just like the idea of Him? Do we just like the things He has to offer? Or do we want Him to completely ruin us for the world? Do we really want Jesus? Or do we just want to know about Him? What will it take for us to be overwhelmed by His presence? For us to fall on our knees and bow our faces in reverence to our almighty God? What will it take for us to break out of our self-induced, self-absorbed comas and start really living for the One whose blood spilled out upon Calvary’s Hill?

A couple months ago I was once again sitting at the table having a conversation with my dad when he said something that really struck me.  “The one thing that comforts me is knowing that whatever God tells you to do, you will do because you don’t know how to stop following God.”

He is right. Rewind about 9 years. It was a spring day, I was alone, terrified, depressed, and hopeless. That’s when I met Jesus. He was there all along, I can see Him when I look back on my younger years but I’d never let Him in. That day I realized that only He could fill the starving part of my soul. At the time I was still living with my birth family and I had no clue what to do about this whole “following God” thing or what a real relationship with Him was like. In fact it was a few years after that when I got to meet my adoptive dad that I really started learning about who Jesus is and who we are in Him. I suddenly found that everything I had been taught about God needed to be rearranged and redefined. 

Somewhere during all the long talks and late nights a fire was lit inside my soul, one that could not be quenched. During the short course of my lifetime I have been through many struggles. Many of the things that happened, the things I had to go through were not easy to overcome. Sometimes I still struggle with them. It’s not easy to make the decision to choose God over your family, to forgive the man who tried to rape you, forget all the voices telling you that you aren’t worth it, to find love in your heart for somebody after years of being abused, it’s not easy to miss out on your sisters growing up, or overcome depression, anxiety and self-destructive habits. It’s the hardest thing in the world to break addictions and the chains that Satan so tightly bound you with. But here’s the good part. We can choose to let those struggles make us bitter against God or we can choose to believe Romans 5:1-5

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Thankfully, my struggles ended up driving me straight into the arms of my God. And sometime during the course of finding my place in God’s plan, finding Him through the struggles and the dark I came to the realization… (I think I first really realized it when God told me to go to Peru) I came to the realization that I cannot say no. I have continually found that I am unable to say no to God. There are times when I’ll argue with him, I’ll try to rationalize and dance around the point but in the end I find that I have no choice but to follow my God wherever He leads.

Has it been easy? No way. Is it always easy now? Nope. Is it worth it? Without doubt. Many people often ask me if I could go back and restart would I? They want to know what I’d change. I struggle to answer that sometimes but in the end it always comes down to the fact that I wouldn’t change a thing. Because if I took out the tragic, the trials, the struggles, the dark parts… if I took that out... my faith wouldn’t be as deep as it is, the fire wouldn’t be quite so consuming and I wouldn’t know Jesus’s love like I do now. 

I don’t wish my life from here on out to be easy either, because if my life runs smoothly with no struggles, no parts that make me question what God is doing that make me drive deeper into His Word, I’ll become complacent. That is my biggest fear. I never want to become lukewarm, I never want to lose passion, I never want to forget how great God’s mercy and grace are over me. So I welcome the struggles, the trials that are sure to come because they will require me to take my faith to a deeper level, to run to my Father’s open arms and trust Him with my life.

And in the end… when I have done all that I was commanded, I say, “I am an unworthy servant; I have only done what was my duty.” *Luke 17-10

~KrissElise

A Moment With God

Tonight I find myself lying here awake, for the first time in over a week I've been able to finally just think over things. Early Monday morning, January 11th I was awoken to the call that my grandmother (birth dad's mom) had passed away that night. While it's a loss here on earth for those who loved her, I know that right now she is at the feet of Jesus and that there is nowhere better for her to be. This last week we have had lots of relatives out, some whom I have not seen in 10+ years. It was a great time in getting to know some of them and spending time together. Now they have all returned back to their homes and life goes on. So where does that leave things....

Since the start of this year I am finding that this year will be one of lots of big changes. I've met a lot of new friends, building relationships, moving in a more specific direction leading teens in a new church body, leading Bible studies, walking through life with friends, preparing for a longer mission trip back to Uganda and seeking God in a whole new way with new freedom this year. 

That's what I was lying here thinking about. All these changes, not knowing where God is leading things... especially with new friendships forming, not knowing if they will be ones that are just a passing phase or ones that last. It scares me a little because it's always hard putting my heart out there not knowing who will take it for granted or walk all over it. Then I immediately turned back to prayer as I have been trying so hard to make my first and natural thing to questions and life. I asked God for direction, for leading. For Him to reveal part of His plan to me, especially with a couple people in my life that I'm trying to figure out what God is doing with. And in a moment I felt the ultimate peace wash over me, and that still small voice say, "My child, wait, do not fear, I am bigger than all of that. Make Me your rock." And with a whole new clarity I realize so much deeper that none of it really matters.

Here I am, merely a poor (to the world's standards) small town girl, with a crappy past filled with mistakes and hurt, a future which many say I have thrown away, feeling a little lost in the middle of chaos wondering if I'm making the right choices and the God of creation, Lord of all looks down on me and reminds me of who He is, who I am in Him. He reminds me of the deep dark pit that He brought me out of. That He chose me and He will never forsake me. 

If the friends I have aren't here next year... God still will be.
If the guy I like doesn't have the same feeling... God still does.
If I lose the ones I love from this earth... God will comfort me.
When I make a wrong decision... God will have mercy.
When I fail... God will give me a second chance.
When I follow Him... He will lead me.
When I am small.... He is big.
When life is changing... God remains the same.
No matter what.... He is my Rock.

I realize that in the big picture... He is so much bigger than all the things in life that we worry and stress about. I don't know what this year involves but I am determined now more than ever to follow my Jesus with reckless abandon, to serve Him, watch Him do big things and make Him absolutely with no doubt Lord of my life. I know it will mean stepping out of my comfort zone as I've found out already. I know that it will mean doing the hard things. Standing up when everybody else is sitting down. Pressing on when I hear the voices of why I can't do what God has called me to do, that I'm too young, that I'm not qualified. I know it will mean giving up my ideas, my wants and my desires in trade for God's. Emptying myself so I can be filled with Him. I am filled with excitement and anticipation about the adventure that God has in store for me so I'm just gonna grab His hand and jump in with both feet. 

Get ready devil, with God, I'm unstoppable. I am so over you, your ideas and your condemnation that cannot stand in front of my Jesus. Get ready for one heck of a ride, you thought my life following Jesus threatened you before, you've only seen the beginning. Until Jesus comes back I am a force to be reckoned with, not because I'm good or strong but because I have the Spirit of Jesus Christ in me, so you can go back to hell where you belong. I'm done with you.

It's been awhile since I've blogged, started several blog posts but haven't finished any because I like them to be perfect. Well maybe it's time to let up a little on my own expectations for myself and just write what God wants me to. So here goes... check back because I will be having more posts in the near future. 

~KrissElise

From Broken to Whole - Only Through Christ

So I've been slacking on blogging lately... I don't have any excuse except for the fact that I have 24 half written blog posts that I don't want to finish because I don't know how. Sometimes I get so overloaded with emotions and thinking especially around the holidays that I can't come up with complete thoughts to write about. I've had a couple people tell me lately that I should write my life story. So for like the hundredth time I'm trying to work on that. Then at my College Bible Study last night the question came up on how we look to God and focus on Him especially in the hard times. That ties right into my life story, for me it's looking back on my life. Seeing the desperate places I've been and how even then God was faithful and I look at how far He has brought me and am completely overwhelmed. So I thought I'd touch on that subject a little bit. I was reading through journal entries from previous years and ran across this one. I remember these days so well, I remember the absence of hope, I remember very clearly how defeated, scared and hurt I was...

"Here I am again, 4:15am crying and hurting so bad I'm throwing up. I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion only to find him in my dreams again and wake up with a scream on my lips. Not even the cold metal against my skin or the warmth of blood on my fingers can dull this pain inside tonight. I'm living in a prison, screaming out and slamming my fists against the walls and nobody can hear me. And even if they could, nobody would really care. I'm surrounded by a million people but nobody really cares enough to see that I'm not really living. I'm dying from the inside out but still plaster a smile on my face so they don't have to feel bad. I hate this box. I hate being invisible. I hate that I let him do that to me. But what's the point? It's not like it will really matter when they bury me in a box. Nobody will ever even know what happened that night or all the nights before. They'll never know that this little girl hurt so bad and felt so invisible that she'd run to somebody just to hear the words "I Love You" just to hear someone recognize her even though she knew it was all a lie. People say guns kill. Knives kill. Drugs kill. Pills kill. Suicide kills. It's not true... it's being invisible, lonely and unloved that kills. I'm tired of fighting, tired of being not good enough. I wanna go for a drive and never come back... I wanna drive up into the mountains and see how far my car can fly when it hits the turn... I wanna know how long it would take them to find my rusted car at the bottom of the canyon.... I wanna know if they'd care enough to cry.... I wonder if there is one person in this world whose life would really change if I were gone. Or maybe... I'd just be another invisible statistic. I might write tomorrow.... if I make it through tonight.. we will see. Tomorrow is Sunday and I work so maybe I'll try and fight a few more days cause Ken usually comes in on Sundays I think when they get done with church or something. I hate the fact that I actually care if he comes in but because I swore I'd never care again, but even though I don't know him he seems like the only person who really sees me. And for like two seconds I feel okay..." ~Kriss  *Fall 2012*

Every time I read back over my journal entries like this I just want to cry because of the overwhelming love of my Father in heaven. Because He loved me so much to reach down in such a desperate time and turn my focus to Him. The amount of stuff I've gone through in my life is sometimes really overwhelming. But with each trial God was drawing me nearer to Him. There came a time when I had absolutely nothing... and somebody which happened to be the guy Ken who came into the grocery store where I worked urged me to give it one more try. So I talked with God. I told Him if He could take my failures, my broken self, all the dirt, if I was still worth it to Him.. I told Him I would give Him the little bit I had to offer which was a messed up shell of a person. That's when I gave Him all the pieces and He began to work. It wasn't an easy process because you will find when God wants all of us there is no area in our lives that we can keep for ourselves. I constantly fought Him. And when it came down to following God and losing my biological family... I swear that's the hardest choice I've ever made is to say, "Jesus, I will follow you, no matter the cost." It hurt, I broke (still do sometimes) and God has been in the process of refining me for the past 3+ years. 

Today... I am sold out for Jesus, I told Him I would go when He says go and stay when He says stay. Some days are a struggle and sometimes life sucks. But at the end of the day all I can do is be overwhelmed by what God has done in my life. How far He has brought me. Many times I don't get beyond "Thank you God for being so good, for loving me so unconditionally.." But I am sure that He can read the tears that are flowing down my face. He's placed me in a good family, He's given me some great friends, He taught me how to serve Him, He gave me kids to teach, He has done such amazing things in my life that it is becoming harder and harder for the world to tear my gaze off of my Jesus. He is my world. He is my everything. He is so good. He loves me unconditionally. I am His daughter and I am loved. 

I will go anywhere,
I will do anything,
I will give up all,
I will let Him run my life,
And no matter what people say...
It's no sacrifice. 

I'll try to keep blogging some more. You will find more and more of my life story being told. Not for sympathy, not for attention, not for likes, comments or shares. Only for the glory of my Jesus. So please let Him draw you near, open your heart to Him and let Him in. I guarantee you will never be the same again and it is well worth it. Keep up the good fight, stay in the race, focus your eyes on Christ.

~KrissElise

A Little Snippit of Ministry

This last weekend I had the privilege of being the youth leader of six teens from our church up to the Get Real West Youth Event. It's a once a once a year event held to help encourage and teach teens to "get real" with God. This year they brought in the band Consumed by Fire and speaker Doug Lewis. Throughout worship and teaching time I saw God work in teens and leaders all around the room.

One of the things that really seemed to stick with a lot of people as well as me was Doug's illustration of fences. He talked about how God's commandments in the Bible are like fences. James 1:17 says that every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights; with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning. So that verse is talking about how every good deed, every good gift is from God. Which lies on the inside of the fence. At birth we are all sinners. You will find many places in Romans where it talks about how corrupt we were. It says there is no one righteous, not even one. We are corrupt by nature and enemies of God. We are outside the fence. That's where the precious gift of Jesus comes in. When we receive salvation and are born again we are allowed to enter inside the fence. We have access to God, to every good thing He has for us. But Satan isn't happy, and he will send his evil minions out disguised in the pleasures of society. He will try to lure you to climb back over the fence with anything he can convince you is good. But truth is nothing outside the fence is good. God does not tempt us or withhold the good of those who love him and live according to His word. All too often we find ourselves going through life jumping one fence after another and it leads our life in a downward spiral. Many of us are caught standing at the fence, making the decision to tell the Satan that we don't want what he has to offer and telling him to get lost or the decision to climb over the fence after what Satan has convinced us is good and hope nobody finds out. And the most encouraging thing is when we look down the fence and see another believer standing strong in faith. So be that one that stands strong. You just many encourage somebody else. God puts up fences to protect us. Not to withhold good things from us. That is an illustration that I will often remember in my life. And questions I encourage you to ask yourself. What fence am I currently on the wrong side of? What fence am I being tempted to cross right now?

We also had a breakout session for the youth leaders which was really encouraging. After some encouragement from Don Sullivan he broke us up into small groups to discuss things with other youth leaders from all over Montana. That was really encouraging to me and I hope it was to all the other youth leaders as well. Overall it was a really great weekend with the kids and a lot of new ideas and application. I can't wait to watch as these youth grow, make choices and follow God and I am so blessed to be a part of teaching, leading and learning from them.

This week I am blessed to know two God-loving women who are joining me in going through the Bondage Breaker Study. It's a book I went through at the beginning of the year and one of the best studies I have ever done. It's a book that really challenges you to put to practice what we know to be true from the word of God. It really changed my life. I have to admit it was not an easy book to go through and brings up a lot of challenges in life and in our pasts. It brings us to the point of deciding what we really believe to be true. It's a great book for anybody to go through and I am really looking forward to how God will work in all three of us during the next weeks of going through the book together.

I have to say being involved with God's ministry is one of the best things I have ever done. It fulfills me like nothing in this world can. I'm working on preparation to return to Uganda next year as well and I can't wait to see God work. I am so blessed and honored to be a servant of my King and pray that I will never lose that passion no matter come what may. To all those out there who are encouraging to me, those living radical lives for Christ, my deepest thanks goes to you. You inspire me. You challenge me. You help keep me pressing on. May God's face shine upon you, may you be blessed for your service. ~KrissElise

Label or Love?

I promised that as I was able to, I would blog about my time in Uganda. Tonight I want to tell you about Addad, one of the many precious ones I had the pleasure to meet with during my time there. His story broke my heart. He is eight years old. He is very bright and smart. He plays "big brother" well to the younger kids and he is a very kind young man. When He was born, his mother was unable to care for him and handed him off to one of the men she had been with who was thought to be his father and that man raised Addad. He was a fairly wealthy man and put his child in a really good school. He took him places, and was a father to the young boy. As Addad grew older though it became apparent that the man may not actually be the biological father. So he took it upon himself to get DNA tests done. He was not the boy's blood father. So after raising this sweet boy for eight years he took him to the police station. He was abandoning the child. He proceeded to tell Addad that he was not his father and showed him pictures to make his point. The social workers and staff who got involved begged and pleaded for this man to continue to raise Addad as a son, as he had done so since his birth. But in the man's eyes, he was not the father. So he walked away. He rejected his son merely because they were not flesh and blood.

Sweet Addad

When I heard his story I was speechless. What do you say to that? How does a person process that? It really broke me. In many ways I could relate to that. I have dealt with rejection over and over, which included my birth parents. But there was no way I could even imagine myself in his shoes. To be an eight-year-old, completely abandoned in the world and the one person who you loved and trusted... he just walked away. He told you that you weren't worth it. Standing there hearing your father tell you that he wants nothing to do with you, and watching him turning around... walking away. Leaving you completely alone in the world. 

On the outside I never saw him cry. I never saw him break. But I'm sure inside he does everyday. I'm sure he has lain awake in the middle of the night with all the questions running through his mind. On school break, a lot of the kids go and spend a week or two with relatives. Addad has none that will claim him. He stayed at the home with some of the younger kids, and I could see the longing in his eyes. I could see the hurt there and I could feel it in my heart. I could feel the hurt so strong I felt like I would physically break. 

The sad thing is.... this happens all the time. In Uganda, in America, in countries around the world. So much is based on biological parent, step-parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, and then you have the other parents. Honestly it's one of the things I hate the most. I don't care what you are, if you are a mom or dad to a child (or adult) you are the mom or dad. I don't care what label you want to attach. That label does not mean anything more than how you came to know your child. But we use labels to separate, labels to divide. It doesn't mean you are a good parent, doesn't mean you are a bad parent. It doesn't say anything about the child or their worth in this world. 

My parents... they have ten kids. If you watched the life of this family you would never be able to guess how they came to know each of their kids. But if you asked, you'd find out... two of them are their biological children, six of them were adopted (some from birth and some after being foster children) two of them were never legally adopted but belong to them just the same. (I am one of those two.) But in this family, in this house, that doesn't matter. The labels don't make a difference. But to some people it does. To a lot of people in this world, most of us don't belong. Because we aren't "real kids". How screwed up is that? How messed up is society when people look down upon people or think that they are less than worth it if there isn't a biological connection?

Here is my final thought. If biological connection is so incredibly important. If it is the determining factor of who somebody is, or who we are related to then what about God? I am a child of God's. He is my Father. What does that say? Let's take a look at some scripture that says for itself.

"Look at how great a love the Father has given us that we should be called God's children. And we are!" ~1 John 3:1

"But all who did receive Him, He gave them the right to be children of God." ~John 1:12

"For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith." ~Galatians 3:26

"For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies together with our spirit that we are God's children, and if children, also heirs- heirs of God and coheirs with Christ- seeing that we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." ~Romans 8:15-17

This world has come up with labels that hurt, separate and destroy. If you are a Mom or Dad... I don't care what people label you, if you love your child and treat them as your own, they are yours. For all the kids (and adults) out there, I don't care what people label you. You are a beloved son or daughter.. the label doesn't matter. It's the love that matters. Let's drop the labels and show people that it's the love that makes the difference. After all, I believe it is the love of God that made me His daughter. It's the love of my mama and daddy who made me their daughter. And I am blessed. <3 ~KrissElise