Tonight I find myself lying here awake, for the first
time in over a week I've been able to finally just think over things.
Early Monday morning, January 11th I was awoken to the call that my
grandmother (birth dad's mom) had passed away that night. While it's a
loss here on earth for those who loved her, I know that right now she is
at the feet of Jesus and that there is nowhere better for her to be.
This last week we have had lots of relatives out, some whom I have not
seen in 10+ years. It was a great time in getting to know some of them
and spending time together. Now they have all returned back to their
homes and life goes on. So where does that leave things....
Since
the start of this year I am finding that this year will be one of lots
of big changes. I've met a lot of new friends, building relationships,
moving in a more specific direction leading teens in a new church body,
leading Bible studies, walking through life with friends, preparing for a
longer mission trip back to Uganda and seeking God in a whole new way
with new freedom this year.
That's
what I was lying here thinking about. All these changes, not knowing
where God is leading things... especially with new friendships forming,
not knowing if they will be ones that are just a passing phase or ones
that last. It scares me a little because it's always hard putting my
heart out there not knowing who will take it for granted or walk all
over it. Then I immediately turned back to prayer as I have been trying
so hard to make my first and natural thing to questions and life. I
asked God for direction, for leading. For Him to reveal part of His plan
to me, especially with a couple people in my life that I'm trying to
figure out what God is doing with. And in a moment I felt the ultimate
peace wash over me, and that still small voice say, "My child, wait, do
not fear, I am bigger than all of that. Make Me your rock." And with a
whole new clarity I realize so much deeper that none of it really
matters.
Here I
am, merely a poor (to the world's standards) small town girl, with a
crappy past filled with mistakes and hurt, a future which many say I
have thrown away, feeling a little lost in the middle of chaos wondering
if I'm making the right choices and the God of creation, Lord of all
looks down on me and reminds me of who He is, who I am in Him. He
reminds me of the deep dark pit that He brought me out of. That He chose
me and He will never forsake me.
If the friends I have aren't here next year... God still will be.
If the guy I like doesn't have the same feeling... God still does.
If I lose the ones I love from this earth... God will comfort me.
When I make a wrong decision... God will have mercy.
When I fail... God will give me a second chance.
When I follow Him... He will lead me.
When I am small.... He is big.
When life is changing... God remains the same.
No matter what.... He is my Rock.
I
realize that in the big picture... He is so much bigger than all the
things in life that we worry and stress about. I don't know what this
year involves but I am determined now more than ever to follow my Jesus
with reckless abandon, to serve Him, watch Him do big things and make
Him absolutely with no doubt Lord of my life. I know it will mean
stepping out of my comfort zone as I've found out already. I know that
it will mean doing the hard things. Standing up when everybody else is
sitting down. Pressing on when I hear the voices of why I can't do what
God has called me to do, that I'm too young, that I'm not qualified. I
know it will mean giving up my ideas, my wants and my desires in trade
for God's. Emptying myself so I can be filled with Him. I am filled with
excitement and anticipation about the adventure that God has in store
for me so I'm just gonna grab His hand and jump in with both feet.
Get
ready devil, with God, I'm unstoppable. I am so over you, your ideas
and your condemnation that cannot stand in front of my Jesus. Get ready
for one heck of a ride, you thought my life following Jesus threatened
you before, you've only seen the beginning. Until Jesus comes back I am a
force to be reckoned with, not because I'm good or strong but because I
have the Spirit of Jesus Christ in me, so you can go back to hell where
you belong. I'm done with you.
It's
been awhile since I've blogged, started several blog posts but haven't
finished any because I like them to be perfect. Well maybe it's time to
let up a little on my own expectations for myself and just write what
God wants me to. So here goes... check back because I will be having
more posts in the near future.
~KrissElise
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