Just Another Story, Or A Life Changer?

One of the greatest lessons I learned in Uganda was from a three year old. He grabbed my heart and changed my life. 

In America it often seems that our lives revolve around complaining. 

Work: We complain about our boss, how we don't like the hours, about the customers, paperwork, paycheck, that our break was too short or that our coworker did this or that and we don't like it. 

School: I don't like the teachers or they don't like me. We get upset cause we can't text in class and the food wasn't good at lunch. There is constant drama and complaining about classmates and the bus was late. They gave me a tardy slip for being late to class and we complain, we don't pay attention in class and then are upset when our report cards have low grades.

Driving: My car is either too warm or too cold, there's a problem with every other driver out there, there's too much traffic, why are we stopped. What do you mean you pulled me over for speeding? Now you made me late for work. The road construction is taking too long and I don't know why they don't pave this bumpy road. While we are at it, gas should be cheaper too.

Church: Pastor preached too long, the chairs weren't comfy, the time isn't convenient and I have to drive ten whole minutes to get there. I didn't like what was taught. I don't want to commit, I don't have time or money to give and I just want to come when I want.

Starting to get the theme here? I won't even take you into people's homes or the rest of the areas of life. Let's just look at these complains above... they all pretty much sum up into this. 

I want my own way. If I don't get my own way I will stomp my feet and throw a fit. The world should revolve around me, the most important one is me, myself and I. If I don't like it, it shouldn't happen. Everybody should do what I want. When I want. How I want. 

Sadly this is so typical in America. We all fall into that mindset sometimes and in different areas of life. We are all guilty of doing this. Often without even realizing it. That's where Ivan comes in. 

I met Ivan in July when I served at the Rafiki Africa Children's Home in Uganda. He was the first child to greet me when I came downstairs on that first day. He ran up to me and wrapped his little arms around my leg saying "Auntie! Auntie!" Out of all the kids he stood out to me. He was a bright little guy. Always had a bright little smile plastered across his face that lit up the entire room. He was always ready for hugging and cuddling and loved to learn. His little eyes looked up at me with adoration and would constantly seek approval of his work as I helped teach him. It made me curious... why he was here... where his parents were... what his past was to make him such a ball of sunshine. 

This is what I learned.

I've been abused, I was abandoned, locked inside my house with my baby sister when my mother left. She never came back. We got sick, we were hungry and scared. Finally after what seemed like years our neighbors called the police. We were picked up and taken to the police station. Some people came and got us. The lady was nice. I don't have much to give but what I had I gave. A hug and a smile. We were taken to a home with other kids. My baby sister was really sick. She died. I've been here for a couple months now. I'm not sick anymore and I get to eat meals cause nice people provide them for me. I get to learn colors and the alphabet. I get to learn about God. In life you have to smile. You have to love unconditionally. And give lots of hugs. Life isn't about me. 

That's Ivan's life. He's just a tiny little kid and can't tell his story right now but I heard it from one of the social workers whom I asked. And that is how I imagine him telling the story in his eyes. I could not believe that such a little bright, sunny, happy kid came from such a dark and desperate place. It really challenged me. How many things in our lives, my life are so insignificant yet we spend so much time complaining. How many of the things in our past do we use as an excuse of why we can't move forward? Honestly if this little kid could go through the unspeakable things he did yet love so unconditionally, have such a bright smile and outlook on life... what does that say about us? Maybe we should stop focusing on us. Start looking outward. Stop complaining about the little insignificant things. Stop using the things in our past as reasons not to move forward, but to use those to drive us closer to God. Drive us into radical, crazy lives for Him. 

SO WHAT WILL YOU DO? 

Is this merely another story you read, another blog post that might make you feel emotion and move you yet once you close your browser nothing changes? I plead with you, let Ivan's story make a difference. Through His story God can change our lives, challenge us to eradicate selfish behaviors from our lives. But only if we let it. ~KrissElise

My Precious Ivan

Getting Back Up Again

Here's a little snapshot on the past few months. I came home from Uganda just about two months ago. When I came home I was riding the high from seeing such hardcore christian life lived out. My four weeks there I saw life in a whole new way, I walked life so in tune with God. I spent hours on my knees at night talking to Him, praying, reading scripture and sitting in silence listening. I rode highs over there that matched up with the best days of my life, and I hit the hard stuff that hurt so bad it made me physically sick. I came home to America running on the high that comes when you are serving God with all that you have, when your whole focus is on Him and you aren't sidetracked by anything the world has to offer. After a few days I crashed and spiraled into depression mode. To be honest it has taken a couple months for me to come out of that. The transition from a third world country back to America is so hard. The feelings, emotions and frustrations are so hard to figure out in my own mind let alone try to explain to anybody else. Thankfully I have an amazing family. They have been so understanding and encouraging. They have been there to listen, to hold me as I cried, to remind me that things are going to be okay and to make me smile. They let me mope around and take the time I needed to just not do anything. To sleep, to run, to do my own thing. Always loving me and being there. They are truly God's blessing to me. 

Life will take us to the hard places, we will find ourselves in circumstances that are dark and we just want to go to bed and sleep all day. Satan will knock us down. The thing is will we stay down? Or are we going to get up and tell that sucker to get off our back? After eight or so week of feeling down, dragging myself out of bed every morning and just trying to get through each day I went and spent some time with God. I was on my knees again before Him crying out for Him and that's when I realized He was just waiting for that. He opened my eyes and I reached out for His hand, I let Him pull me up and vowed that the Devil may knock me down but I'm not out forever. It may be a little harder in America to find that wildfire. To get so deep in serving and glorifying God that the distractions of this temporary world fade away but I guarantee you it's not impossible. I have His strength, and with that I can do all things. If God is for me who can ever stop me? 

What I've found though, is that the deepest heart connection comes when we spend intimate time with God. When we set the world and business aside, go against the flow and make God first priority. Over EVERYTHING. When we praise and honor Him when we are on the mountain tops and when we praise Him when the storms come crashing in. We have to realize that He is still God. He is still good. He is still big. He is still in control. It brings us to such a deep peace and we grow even closer to our Father. So even though these past two months I've really struggled, God has showed me some amazing things and my faith walk is continuing to grow. 

So here's to you Satan, watch out. You can throw the world at me, you can take away everything, you can rock the world but you cannot shake my faith. You are not bigger than my God and you will not win. I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. ~KrissElise

 

I Owe You My Life

Here is a poem that I wrote last year. It was a prayer and heart-cry to God in a difficult time. Something I need to remember always and return to that place often. ~KrissElise

Break my life apart, piece by piece
Eradicate anything that does not
Belong to or honor You,
There's nothing I wouldn't do,
Nowhere I wouldn't go,
This is my heart cry oh God,
Please hear me now, 
 

I will go where you go,
I will stay when you say stay,
I will follow you anywhere,
Lord I want You, I need You,
And I love You,
More than anything in the world,

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,
Open my eyes to see,
Give me the words I need to speak,
Show me what you want of me,
Here is this life, I'm giving it to you,

All to you and all for you,
I give you my heart, my soul, my time,
I owe my life to you, this is my offering,
So I'm on my knees lifting this broken life to you,
Take everything, take it all from me

I will go where you go,
I will stay when you say stay,
I will follow you anywhere,
Lord I want You, I need You
And I love You,
More than anything in this world.

"It's Okay To Be Beautiful"

My Dad and I have had a lot of really good conversations. He has really taught me a lot. In fact many times when I’m talking to people I find his words coming out of my mouth. He’s given me a lot of great, godly advice. One of the most life changing things he has ever told me though is that “It’s okay to be beautiful.” I thought there may be some others out there who need to hear this as well. It’s okay to be a girl, to show our feminine side. It’s okay to be who God made us to be. And on top of that… we have value, we are treasures, we are daughters of the almighty, holy God.

I know there are others out there who for their own reasons and struggles have shoved that part away. In my case growing up, I felt that to be a girl I wouldn’t be accepted, because it seemed that it was the boys who always got the attention I craved from my biological father. So I tried to be like them. I separated myself from anything "girly" that would be a reason for him to not accept me. I don’t ever remember my father looking at me and telling me I was beautiful or precious to him just for who I was. For being his daughter There were days I wanted to dress up, I wanted to twirl around and be his little princess. I begged for him to notice me, to accept me, and as I grew up I realized that’s not how things worked. I learned well that to want to be pretty or to show a feminine side was vain, conceited and sinful. For years I believed that, never realizing what a big lie it was. I believed that I had less value. I was abused mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually by several different men in my life and it crushed me. It has greatly affected my life even to this day on how I see men and how hard it is for me to trust them. It’s something I will be working through for a long time to come. It really gave me a twisted idea of what beautiful is.

So, we know what the lie is but what about the truth? The truth is that I’m made in the image of the holy God. I am a precious beautiful daughter in the eyes of my heavenly Father as well as the Daddy that he sent into my life. I have value. I am worth it, because Jesus says I am. That is the truth we have to realize, believe and live out. No it won’t be easy but most things that are worth it aren’t. So I challenge my fellow sisters in Christ, today when you stand in front of the mirror, when you find all your flaws tell yourself that Christ made you beautiful. He doesn’t make junk. Tell Satan that his lies aren’t welcome in your life and start believing your heavenly Father.

Satan likes to silence us with secrets and bind us with lies. We must refuse to surrender. The day that we let him silence us and our stories is the day that he wins. We must use our stories, our brokenness to let the light of God shine through for others to see. I will never stay silent. May God be glorified in and through me forever. ~KrissElise

Day Twenty-One 27-7-15

Journal Entry:

 

Tomorrow Moses, Florence and I will be taking Rebecca to place her with her family. We will be leaving really early to make it to Western Uganda and back before night. I had to tell Godfrey and Sarah tonight at devotions that we are taking Rebecca tomorrow and this time she's not coming back. That was so hard. I couldn't stop the tears... but I was able to wait til up here in my room to completely break apart. I could say I’m okay… I could say I understand… I could say that it doesn’t hurt… but that would be a lie… I could say that it doesn’t matter but the truth is I’m shattered and this hurts like hell. How in a million years am I supposed to do this? How the crud do I give my little girl away when she’s already been through hell and back? How? Please tell me… please tell me that she will be safe, that nobody will hurt her… tell me...

Lord, I come before you tonight, bowing humbly in your presence, I recognize you as King and Lord over all, almighty, all powerful, omniscient… You are the Mighty Protector, Healer and Guardian over your children, I come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Many times I have asked you to break my heart for the things that break yours and Lord you are doing that. I don’t know what your plan is Lord for our little Rebecca but I do know that she does not go unnoticed by the One who knows even when a sparrow falls from the sky. I’m scared to let go of her God, I’m scared she will end up back where she was rescued from, I’m scared that she will grow up not knowing love, or you my God, but I know that though I am heartbroken and feel helpless that You know what is going to happen before tomorrow when it comes. I place my little girl in your hands Lord as you say in Matthew, I take your yoke upon me because you are gentle and lowly in heart and your yoke is easy, your burden light. I cannot do this on my own God, so I ask you to take this burden from my heart. Show me what to do, whether to go or stay. Whatever you show me Lord I will follow wherever you are. Take little Rebecca and protect her Lord, she has went through enough pain in her four little years to last a lifetime and I just pray that wherever she may go, that you go before her, wrap a blanket of protection around her I pray and draw her ever more near to you. Take our dear little one and love her, keep her safe and secure. Give me strength and wisdom to deal with this as well as everybody else who will grieve during this time. Show me the way and may my footsteps never wander off Your path. Thank you for giving us this time with her to make memories and to love her. I release her into your loving arms my Lord, I pray this in the powerful, redeeming name of Jesus, Amen

My Last Week

So this is my last week here in Uganda, I return to the States next Thursday. These past three weeks have flown by. How do I even begin to write about it all? I’m working on putting together a presentation to show at my hometown church but am having a hard time trying to pack it all into something I can show in under an hour. I think this will be something that will take the next year for me to slowly blog about bit, by bit. People tend to think that international missions is some brave, heroic, glorious thing. For those who think that, let me tell you. It’s not. It’s just doing real life, living out faith. I will say though that it is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done, it gives me a sense of security, compassion and contentment as I know I am living within the calling God has placed on my heart.

I sit here this evening pondering my life, thinking once again upon the deep, dark, desperate place that my Savior rescued me from. Thinking back through the years of my childhood… I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that someday I would be serving my God in Uganda and it feeling so right. I have fallen so in love with Africa. As much as I am excited and thrilled to go back home and be in the arms of my loved ones there is a part of me that is torn to leave my beautiful Africa and the friends and family I have made here. It does me well to know that Lord willing I will return very soon. The children here have stolen my heart… wrapped me around their tiny little fingers. I’ve become used to waking up to their laughter and hearing “Auntie! Auntie!” yelled a million times a day. I have come to know each one of their voices and gotten to know their personalities. Like any other children they have made me frustrated, brought me insurmountable joy, sent me to my knees in prayer for them, and crying out to God when I didn’t understand His plan. To see how far they have come, to see their joy and their love for God after what they have been through in life warms my soul. To see these kids overcome all the obstacles in their lives and still smile at the end of the day encourages and challenges me.

The thing about missions, is there is no pattern. There is no just outlining it how it is, no box that it fits neatly into. It’s chasing giggly kids around the house one moment and crying out to God the next with a broken heart because you have to let one of the children go. It’s when the little ones become so near and dear to your heart they become as your own but you are powerless to promise protection. It’s the high of laughter and time spent with friends and the impact of seeing death right before your eyes. The little village children calling out “Mzungu!” and waving with smiles from their little houses and seeing the desperation and poverty of the slums. One day, one, moment, one millisecond to another learning that everything changes, but no matter how hard, no matter how tragic that God is still present, all mighty, powerful, unchanging and good. That He is the same God in the lows that He is in the highs. Every day seems to take trusting God to a new level. There are times when it has been easy to praise and worship Him and nights crying out through tears asking Him if He is still in this, telling Him I don’t think I can do it, spending hours into the night on my knees in His presence, learning once again to praise and worship Him even when it hurts so much I can barely breathe, thanking Him though my heart is shattered and stepping into the peace that only He can bring though circumstances seem crushing. Giving the little children into His hands and trusting Him for their protection when I don’t feel like giving it to Him.

So I know this really has no specific subject and is all just kind of a bunch of jumbled thoughts but that’s kind of what you get right now. Over the next year I will have time to sit and sort it out. Write individual stories. But right now it’s just how it is in my mind. All mixed up. And next time there will be new stories to tell both the joyous and the heartbroken. But in all of them God working. Until my very last breath I pray to God that I will live out His mission, whether I’m in Uganda or back in the States that my life, every moment will be one glorifying the Father and spreading His name to all I come in contact with. Until every man, woman and child has heard His name! May all the glory be His forever and ever!

~Because they haven’t heard, Kriss Elise Beckman

My sweet, goofy, little Ivan