Overcoming the Impossible

I'm a successful twenty-one year old. Pastor's daughter, active in the church. I have a good job, perfect family, I'm the daughter everybody wants. My life runs smoothly, I stay out of trouble and I have my future planned out. I have no worries. I have it all together and all figured out. 

Don't you want my life?

Okay well that's a long shot out there.. but that's what a lot of people see when they look at me. On the outside... I guess that's what many see. But the real truth? Well there is much more to that than I can tell in a 500 page book. But let's put a little shot of reality into that.

I'm a twenty-one year old who loves God. I'm a pastor's daughter, I was adopted and struggle with years of turmoil with my biological family. I am successful at work, but I often stress about all the details that come with being self-employed. I've made mistakes. I was lost and broken. Jesus saved me. I've had addictions, and been held down by chains. I have a great family but like all families (with 7 brothers) they drive me crazy. I do my best at being a daughter who honors God and parents. I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that I will serve my God until He returns or calls me home. I am a broken, redeemed, blessed girl who still struggles, who still faces temptations of the flesh, whose life gets shaken by circumstances but has peace that God is still good and still in control no matter what. 

Soo... having that said... I'd like to give you a little insight to one of the many deep struggles I have faced, and still face today. Ever since I was really little I struggled with self-worth. The earliest time I remember thinking I was fat or ugly, I was five years old, almost six. I was going to be the flower girl in a wedding. All the dresses were being handmade by a lady we knew. I cried and screamed when I was supposed to take my shirt off to get the dress fitted.. I didn't want her to see how fat and disgusting I was. At the time I didn't realize my thoughts were unusual. That was normal to me. Now.. it breaks my heart. I wasn't even six years old. 

January 2000

The first time I remember somebody actually noticing that something was wrong wasn't until late in my teens, I had met the people who are now Mama and Daddy to me. We had taken the youth from church out for kickball at the park after bowling. We had lunch there and I didn't eat. Dad asked a couple times if I was going to eat and I told him I wasn't hungry. I was lying in the grass when he came and sat by me and asked me point blank. "Are you starving yourself?" A million thoughts flew through my mind. I told him "No." with the tone of voice that says "Are you crazy?"

I'm not sure when he actually had a clue of what was going on but I'm pretty sure he had an idea before I actually really knew. After that he'd often make comments like "You know it's okay to eat right?" He'd randomly bring up concepts about eating, calories and nutrition. Or express concern that I wasn't eating enough for the energy I was expending. Soon after is when a lot of really hard circumstances came up in my life. Stuff that nobody really had a clue how to help me with even if I had let them in to know. As some messed up way to try and be accepted and have control of my life is when I got to that really bad place. I was dropping weight fast enough that quite a few people started to notice, including my adoptive Mom and Dad. That's when they got really concerned. 
  
I was quickly spiraling downward. I remember many times in my teens skipping meals and restricting food intake. I never had a positive self-image because of a lot of things that happened in my past. I think part of my struggle was always trying to get my biological father to accept me. So I drove myself to be "skinny enough" and "perfect enough" which was actually a goal I would never be able to attain in my own eyes. At some point it had become an addiction. I believe part of it had to do with control. When my life around me spun into chaos I knew I had control of one thing a least. Honestly I still don't know all of what caused it, I may never know. All I know is it brought me to a scary place, a place where I always felt completely drained, I'd spend entire days with most of the time sleeping on the couch, I'd go 36 hours without a meal. Most of the time when I did eat I felt physically sick. More and more foods I put on the "can't eat list". I found myself often eating dinner when I needed to so people would be happy and then throwing it back up. Even then I hadn't really admitted that there was a problem.

I guess with eating disorders, anyway in my case, I completely lost common sense when it came to weight, eating, exercising etc. To me, what I was doing seemed completely sensible. I had no concept of what was healthy and what was actually hurting me, by the time that I realized what I was doing was harming myself, I was so far into the messed up realm of borderline anorexia that I didn't know how to stop, I didn't know what was right, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get better. It was hard enough just to get through the day, I couldn't think about the future. At my lowest weight I was about 15 lbs lower than what my body naturally gravitates to. I didn't really fully realize the severity of it until the night Mom really had a hard talk with me, it was the same night Dad came and sat down on the couch next to me with three different meal plans. He told me to pick one. That is when he told me that he couldn't sit by and do nothing. That it was either that or he was taking me to the hospital. He told me that he wouldn't let me kill myself even if I couldn't see that, that is what I was doing. I saw the worry on his face, the tears in his eyes and I knew that if not for me, I had to get better for them. Because I they loved me and they deserved for me to at least try. That was the beginning of recovery. 

The full details of what "recovery" was like for me would have to be saved for another blog post. But one thing is for sure. Recovery is possible. Looking back now I realize I did the impossible. How did I do that? Certainly not in my own strength. The only glory and praise to be given is all for my Jesus. He was my strength, my rock, my everything. Without Him I would have never made it off the ground. He gave me everything that I needed. It was one of the hardest battles of my life, but I know He provides freedom. He provided me with such supportive and unconditionally loving parents and brother who helped me through the really rough stuff. The thing is... what is recovery? A lot of people believe that when you are "recovered" it doesn't affect you anymore. And it's not actually true. 

I still fight everyday. I'm still tempted to skip meals, I find I start restricting foods and amounts, I want to burn more calories without increasing my food intake, I still feel disgusting some days and want to throw up the meal I just ate. I will probably fight those things for the rest of my life in some form or another. Especially when I'm really stressed and things are out of my hands and I want that little bit of control. But what I can say is it doesn't have control anymore and my God is bigger and more important. So everyday I choose to lay down my life, multiple times a day I choose righteousness over sin. With God's strength in me I conquer the evil of this world. 

As I grow in Christ I am learning to accept myself, that I don't need everybody's approval, because my maker loves me and calls me beautiful. I know that society's view of beautiful is really messed up. I'm starting not to care. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm okay with the girl looking back at me. I'm gaining more confidence. Less insecure. And so I keep on keeping on. One day at a time, striving for the great things out there that God has for me and I will keep on growing and giving up myself for my Jesus until He calls me home or comes back for me. 

So why am I posting this for the world to see? Because I believe that Satan's power lies in the silence. I refuse to let him win. I know there are many others who struggle secretly, who are dying because they are afraid of being rejected. Afraid of speaking out. I believe that this is one of the many struggles in life that if I am willing, God can use to help others. If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone in this fight. Stay strong <3 Keep on. <3

~KrissElise

She Calls Him Daddy

Not just anybody would hear that five letter word,
It was one tucked deep down inside,
Set apart for somebody more than special,
And guarded with the utmost care,

It had to be for somebody she could trust,
Not only with her life but with her heart and soul,
One who could know her past,
All the mistakes and failures,
But love her all the same,
He had to be able to let her cry, let her scream
Let her go, yet hold her tight,

Not just anyone would do,
He'd have to understand a broken girl,
See the cracks and all the dirt,
She was a victim of wrong,
But had the heart of a fighter,
He would need to have incredible patience,
And make lots of time,

Nights he'd wait up for her to get home,
And at least once he'd have to track her down,
Days he'd have to let her make choices,
Some when he would have to for her,
He'd have to be her solid ground, 
Her safe place when she was scared,

It would be him to spend hours and hours of time,
Helping her deal with and heal from pain,
That was inflicted upon her by others,
He'd be woken up at three in the morning,
And stay up til way too late, because she needed him,
He would go through stuff that no father should,
Deal with things in her life that he had no clue how,
He would be the strong one when she was weak,

Most of all he would be the reflection of Jesus,
The godly example of how to walk through life,
He'd need hours of time to spend sharing wisdom,
Leading her in life, gently yet persistently,
He'd stand up for wrong, even when he stood alone,
Leading her always, back to the cross on her knees,
Pointing her once again to the King,

So this had to be a special guy,
One she thought only existed in her dreams,
But then God chose one out of millions,
He gave him all the qualifications required,
And then He crossed his path with hers,

In the years following he proved he earned the title,
He done so much more than what was required,
Just because he loved her, and that would never change,
To this day, he lives out his faith, 
Shows her every day just how much he loves her,
And so she calls him Daddy.

~KrissElise

Daddy

Just Another Story, Or A Life Changer?

One of the greatest lessons I learned in Uganda was from a three year old. He grabbed my heart and changed my life. 

In America it often seems that our lives revolve around complaining. 

Work: We complain about our boss, how we don't like the hours, about the customers, paperwork, paycheck, that our break was too short or that our coworker did this or that and we don't like it. 

School: I don't like the teachers or they don't like me. We get upset cause we can't text in class and the food wasn't good at lunch. There is constant drama and complaining about classmates and the bus was late. They gave me a tardy slip for being late to class and we complain, we don't pay attention in class and then are upset when our report cards have low grades.

Driving: My car is either too warm or too cold, there's a problem with every other driver out there, there's too much traffic, why are we stopped. What do you mean you pulled me over for speeding? Now you made me late for work. The road construction is taking too long and I don't know why they don't pave this bumpy road. While we are at it, gas should be cheaper too.

Church: Pastor preached too long, the chairs weren't comfy, the time isn't convenient and I have to drive ten whole minutes to get there. I didn't like what was taught. I don't want to commit, I don't have time or money to give and I just want to come when I want.

Starting to get the theme here? I won't even take you into people's homes or the rest of the areas of life. Let's just look at these complains above... they all pretty much sum up into this. 

I want my own way. If I don't get my own way I will stomp my feet and throw a fit. The world should revolve around me, the most important one is me, myself and I. If I don't like it, it shouldn't happen. Everybody should do what I want. When I want. How I want. 

Sadly this is so typical in America. We all fall into that mindset sometimes and in different areas of life. We are all guilty of doing this. Often without even realizing it. That's where Ivan comes in. 

I met Ivan in July when I served at the Rafiki Africa Children's Home in Uganda. He was the first child to greet me when I came downstairs on that first day. He ran up to me and wrapped his little arms around my leg saying "Auntie! Auntie!" Out of all the kids he stood out to me. He was a bright little guy. Always had a bright little smile plastered across his face that lit up the entire room. He was always ready for hugging and cuddling and loved to learn. His little eyes looked up at me with adoration and would constantly seek approval of his work as I helped teach him. It made me curious... why he was here... where his parents were... what his past was to make him such a ball of sunshine. 

This is what I learned.

I've been abused, I was abandoned, locked inside my house with my baby sister when my mother left. She never came back. We got sick, we were hungry and scared. Finally after what seemed like years our neighbors called the police. We were picked up and taken to the police station. Some people came and got us. The lady was nice. I don't have much to give but what I had I gave. A hug and a smile. We were taken to a home with other kids. My baby sister was really sick. She died. I've been here for a couple months now. I'm not sick anymore and I get to eat meals cause nice people provide them for me. I get to learn colors and the alphabet. I get to learn about God. In life you have to smile. You have to love unconditionally. And give lots of hugs. Life isn't about me. 

That's Ivan's life. He's just a tiny little kid and can't tell his story right now but I heard it from one of the social workers whom I asked. And that is how I imagine him telling the story in his eyes. I could not believe that such a little bright, sunny, happy kid came from such a dark and desperate place. It really challenged me. How many things in our lives, my life are so insignificant yet we spend so much time complaining. How many of the things in our past do we use as an excuse of why we can't move forward? Honestly if this little kid could go through the unspeakable things he did yet love so unconditionally, have such a bright smile and outlook on life... what does that say about us? Maybe we should stop focusing on us. Start looking outward. Stop complaining about the little insignificant things. Stop using the things in our past as reasons not to move forward, but to use those to drive us closer to God. Drive us into radical, crazy lives for Him. 

SO WHAT WILL YOU DO? 

Is this merely another story you read, another blog post that might make you feel emotion and move you yet once you close your browser nothing changes? I plead with you, let Ivan's story make a difference. Through His story God can change our lives, challenge us to eradicate selfish behaviors from our lives. But only if we let it. ~KrissElise

My Precious Ivan

Getting Back Up Again

Here's a little snapshot on the past few months. I came home from Uganda just about two months ago. When I came home I was riding the high from seeing such hardcore christian life lived out. My four weeks there I saw life in a whole new way, I walked life so in tune with God. I spent hours on my knees at night talking to Him, praying, reading scripture and sitting in silence listening. I rode highs over there that matched up with the best days of my life, and I hit the hard stuff that hurt so bad it made me physically sick. I came home to America running on the high that comes when you are serving God with all that you have, when your whole focus is on Him and you aren't sidetracked by anything the world has to offer. After a few days I crashed and spiraled into depression mode. To be honest it has taken a couple months for me to come out of that. The transition from a third world country back to America is so hard. The feelings, emotions and frustrations are so hard to figure out in my own mind let alone try to explain to anybody else. Thankfully I have an amazing family. They have been so understanding and encouraging. They have been there to listen, to hold me as I cried, to remind me that things are going to be okay and to make me smile. They let me mope around and take the time I needed to just not do anything. To sleep, to run, to do my own thing. Always loving me and being there. They are truly God's blessing to me. 

Life will take us to the hard places, we will find ourselves in circumstances that are dark and we just want to go to bed and sleep all day. Satan will knock us down. The thing is will we stay down? Or are we going to get up and tell that sucker to get off our back? After eight or so week of feeling down, dragging myself out of bed every morning and just trying to get through each day I went and spent some time with God. I was on my knees again before Him crying out for Him and that's when I realized He was just waiting for that. He opened my eyes and I reached out for His hand, I let Him pull me up and vowed that the Devil may knock me down but I'm not out forever. It may be a little harder in America to find that wildfire. To get so deep in serving and glorifying God that the distractions of this temporary world fade away but I guarantee you it's not impossible. I have His strength, and with that I can do all things. If God is for me who can ever stop me? 

What I've found though, is that the deepest heart connection comes when we spend intimate time with God. When we set the world and business aside, go against the flow and make God first priority. Over EVERYTHING. When we praise and honor Him when we are on the mountain tops and when we praise Him when the storms come crashing in. We have to realize that He is still God. He is still good. He is still big. He is still in control. It brings us to such a deep peace and we grow even closer to our Father. So even though these past two months I've really struggled, God has showed me some amazing things and my faith walk is continuing to grow. 

So here's to you Satan, watch out. You can throw the world at me, you can take away everything, you can rock the world but you cannot shake my faith. You are not bigger than my God and you will not win. I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back. ~KrissElise

 

I Owe You My Life

Here is a poem that I wrote last year. It was a prayer and heart-cry to God in a difficult time. Something I need to remember always and return to that place often. ~KrissElise

Break my life apart, piece by piece
Eradicate anything that does not
Belong to or honor You,
There's nothing I wouldn't do,
Nowhere I wouldn't go,
This is my heart cry oh God,
Please hear me now, 
 

I will go where you go,
I will stay when you say stay,
I will follow you anywhere,
Lord I want You, I need You,
And I love You,
More than anything in the world,

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,
Open my eyes to see,
Give me the words I need to speak,
Show me what you want of me,
Here is this life, I'm giving it to you,

All to you and all for you,
I give you my heart, my soul, my time,
I owe my life to you, this is my offering,
So I'm on my knees lifting this broken life to you,
Take everything, take it all from me

I will go where you go,
I will stay when you say stay,
I will follow you anywhere,
Lord I want You, I need You
And I love You,
More than anything in this world.

"It's Okay To Be Beautiful"

My Dad and I have had a lot of really good conversations. He has really taught me a lot. In fact many times when I’m talking to people I find his words coming out of my mouth. He’s given me a lot of great, godly advice. One of the most life changing things he has ever told me though is that “It’s okay to be beautiful.” I thought there may be some others out there who need to hear this as well. It’s okay to be a girl, to show our feminine side. It’s okay to be who God made us to be. And on top of that… we have value, we are treasures, we are daughters of the almighty, holy God.

I know there are others out there who for their own reasons and struggles have shoved that part away. In my case growing up, I felt that to be a girl I wouldn’t be accepted, because it seemed that it was the boys who always got the attention I craved from my biological father. So I tried to be like them. I separated myself from anything "girly" that would be a reason for him to not accept me. I don’t ever remember my father looking at me and telling me I was beautiful or precious to him just for who I was. For being his daughter There were days I wanted to dress up, I wanted to twirl around and be his little princess. I begged for him to notice me, to accept me, and as I grew up I realized that’s not how things worked. I learned well that to want to be pretty or to show a feminine side was vain, conceited and sinful. For years I believed that, never realizing what a big lie it was. I believed that I had less value. I was abused mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually by several different men in my life and it crushed me. It has greatly affected my life even to this day on how I see men and how hard it is for me to trust them. It’s something I will be working through for a long time to come. It really gave me a twisted idea of what beautiful is.

So, we know what the lie is but what about the truth? The truth is that I’m made in the image of the holy God. I am a precious beautiful daughter in the eyes of my heavenly Father as well as the Daddy that he sent into my life. I have value. I am worth it, because Jesus says I am. That is the truth we have to realize, believe and live out. No it won’t be easy but most things that are worth it aren’t. So I challenge my fellow sisters in Christ, today when you stand in front of the mirror, when you find all your flaws tell yourself that Christ made you beautiful. He doesn’t make junk. Tell Satan that his lies aren’t welcome in your life and start believing your heavenly Father.

Satan likes to silence us with secrets and bind us with lies. We must refuse to surrender. The day that we let him silence us and our stories is the day that he wins. We must use our stories, our brokenness to let the light of God shine through for others to see. I will never stay silent. May God be glorified in and through me forever. ~KrissElise

Day Twenty-One 27-7-15

Journal Entry:

 

Tomorrow Moses, Florence and I will be taking Rebecca to place her with her family. We will be leaving really early to make it to Western Uganda and back before night. I had to tell Godfrey and Sarah tonight at devotions that we are taking Rebecca tomorrow and this time she's not coming back. That was so hard. I couldn't stop the tears... but I was able to wait til up here in my room to completely break apart. I could say I’m okay… I could say I understand… I could say that it doesn’t hurt… but that would be a lie… I could say that it doesn’t matter but the truth is I’m shattered and this hurts like hell. How in a million years am I supposed to do this? How the crud do I give my little girl away when she’s already been through hell and back? How? Please tell me… please tell me that she will be safe, that nobody will hurt her… tell me...

Lord, I come before you tonight, bowing humbly in your presence, I recognize you as King and Lord over all, almighty, all powerful, omniscient… You are the Mighty Protector, Healer and Guardian over your children, I come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Many times I have asked you to break my heart for the things that break yours and Lord you are doing that. I don’t know what your plan is Lord for our little Rebecca but I do know that she does not go unnoticed by the One who knows even when a sparrow falls from the sky. I’m scared to let go of her God, I’m scared she will end up back where she was rescued from, I’m scared that she will grow up not knowing love, or you my God, but I know that though I am heartbroken and feel helpless that You know what is going to happen before tomorrow when it comes. I place my little girl in your hands Lord as you say in Matthew, I take your yoke upon me because you are gentle and lowly in heart and your yoke is easy, your burden light. I cannot do this on my own God, so I ask you to take this burden from my heart. Show me what to do, whether to go or stay. Whatever you show me Lord I will follow wherever you are. Take little Rebecca and protect her Lord, she has went through enough pain in her four little years to last a lifetime and I just pray that wherever she may go, that you go before her, wrap a blanket of protection around her I pray and draw her ever more near to you. Take our dear little one and love her, keep her safe and secure. Give me strength and wisdom to deal with this as well as everybody else who will grieve during this time. Show me the way and may my footsteps never wander off Your path. Thank you for giving us this time with her to make memories and to love her. I release her into your loving arms my Lord, I pray this in the powerful, redeeming name of Jesus, Amen