Would You Love Me? Even With My Dark Side?

Somebody asked me a question a little while back that I know is one a lot of people wonder but don’t know who to ask. I know it’s one I myself often wondered. 

“Were you ever worried that you’d never meet someone who could handle being with you through both the good and bad? I’m so worried that someone is gonna fall for my “good” side, but drop me when I need them the most, like through anxiety and other things I struggle with.”

My answer? Yes. Oh yes. On the outside a lot of people see me as being this perfect person and having this perfect life. I’m told that all the time. It drives me crazy because people unintentionally put me in this box where I feel I have to be perfect all the time otherwise I will fail them. But that’s a topic for another day. The point being, on the outside… when people first get to know me, they see a happy girl living a happy life and assume it was always that way. But what they don’t see is all the experiences and trials I've went through in life. They don’t know how far I've come and how far I still have to go. They don't know about what I deal with every single day. So here goes…

I met this really amazing guy in the spring of 2013… three years later we would be dating… a few months after that we would know that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

During the course of our time dating, he has continually amazed me. Which actually started before we were “officially” in a relationship. I remember earlier this spring when we had reconnected and were talking about where our relationship was going. Very soon after that I found out that I might have cancer. There was a week of doctor appointments and tests to find out. He felt God's leading to pursue a relationship with me and was going to come down that week to ask my dad’s permission to date me. I was kind of blown away. Didn’t he want to wait to date me until he found out what the test results were? What kind of guy would want to date a girl with cancer? But that didn’t stop him. He said he would be there regardless. During that time I really started falling in love with him. That terrified me, because even though we knew quite a bit about each other by then most of what he knew about me was more surface level. I hadn't let him very far into my dark side.

Was I terrified that he’d find out and leave? Yes. There’s one thing I vowed at the beginning of our relationship. That I would be open, honest and try my darndest to communicate with him. I knew there would be hard conversations and lots of tears on my end. I believed that God was in this relationship. I believed that he led us together, that he meant us to be forever. The only thing that I didn’t understand was how God expected Travis to be able to love me, to put up with my dark side… how was he supposed to want me and desire me? In my mind he deserved so much better. I’m not going to try and pretend that I understand it. Because I don’t. I’m actually blown away by it day after day.

To sum up my past into one blog post would be impossible. There’s a lot back there tucked away safely outside of the world's grasp. One of the biggest things that I thought he’d never be able to deal with are the PTSD symptoms that I struggle with. They are the effect of dealing with stuff as a child growing up and then the trauma of being physically and sexually assaulted in my later years. I added a list with some of the symptoms of PTSD at the end of my post. Now I’ve never actually been diagnosed with it, but I’ve had many people ask me about it because I deal with 80% or more of these things on a regular basis. Because it has effected me so much, I never thought I would find a guy who would see all of it and still stay. But God knows what He is doing and He gave me Travis.

The thing that hurts me the most isn’t what happened to me. Its not what I have deal with every day. It’s the fact that it hurts the man that I love most in this world. I know that he blows it off when I worry about hurting him (he thinks he’s invincible) and I know that somehow through it all our relationship grows even deeper and stronger through it. He’s rolled with my mood swings, wiped the tears from my face and let me cry into his shoulder. He's helped me with what they call an increased startle response. I startle easily and my body remembers the violence of somebody's touch that wasn't gentle. So sometimes when he reaches out to touch me I will flinch or jerk away, even though I know that he would never hurt me. It's another symptom that I deal with all the time, a reaction to any sudden touch or noise. Even though I know it bothers him he's always patient and is helps me work through it and assures me that it will get better. He deals with my social anxiety like a champ. He’s there, he’s protective, yet he pushes me out of my comfort zone and even though sometimes that frustrates me, I can’t thank him enough for it. When I'm overwhelmed his arms are always there to hold me. He deals with my insecurities and lack of self-worth. He tells me I’m beautiful even when I don’t believe him. I think the hardest of all are the nightmares and the flashbacks. It’s one of the reasons why I hate confined spaces, big groups, and crowded places. Why I'm careful who I get close with because it tends to scare people, they tend to think you are crazy, looking for attention or just plain phsyco. Most of the time I can move away by myself, I’ve learned things to help ground myself. But it’s still so hard. The first time it happened when I was with Trav I was sure that he was going to leave. But he didn’t. He didn’t even consider it. It was something really simple, tiny, insignificant that triggered me. I don’t even think he knew what was happening. One moment I was fine and the next I was a sobbing mess, shaking, tensed up, heart racing, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or talk. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. He kissed my hair and reassured me that it was just him there, that I was safe, that he wasn’t leaving me. He stayed with me until I was okay and fell asleep on his lap exhausted. And my question… What kind of guy would love a girl like that? What kind of guy sees what a mess she can be but still sees her as beautiful? What kind of guy would want to spend the rest of his life with that person? The only answer that I have is… that he is a man after God’s own heart.

This is what God has blessed me with. I remember earlier on when we were dating when we were talking on the phone late at night like we often would and he said something that has stuck with me. “You aren’t as broken as you think you are.” That was mind blowing to me. That’s when I realized, he sees something in me that I don’t. I know that what he says lines up with God’s word so it’s truth. I just have to trust his and God’s opinion instead of my own skewed one. Which is a daily challenge. I know it’s something I have to do, because someday I hope we will have a little girl and she’s gonna watch what her mom thinks and says about her own self worth and that is going to be a big part of what forms the opinion of how she views herself. I don’t want her to ever believe that she isn’t worthy of love, that she isn’t beautiful and desirable. And with it all, Travis remains patient, gentle, loving and helpful.

So what’s the point of this story you may ask? Why would I tell the world my deepest struggles? My most shameful secrets? Because I know that out there in this big, scary place there are girls just like me. Girls who have been through hard life stuff. Done things they shouldn’t. Had things happen to them. Struggle with anxiety, depression…. Even PTSD and they don’t think that any guy would love them with their dark side. I write because God is good. Because He is real to me. He has brought me so far. Did I do this on my own? No. Did I grow from the scared, terrified girl to who I am now by my own doing? Not a chance. Did I just go out and happen to find the man who is madly in love with me? Only in your dreams. It was all God. He works in my life every day, every moment, even when I don’t stop and give him the praise that He so deserves. Even when He does things in my life and I’m too busy to notice He deserves all of the glory.

So my one piece of advice for the girls out their who have asked the same questions… Yes, there are guys out there like that. You are worthy of love. If you dance with God, He will let the perfect man cut in. Focus your life on Jesus first. Devote yourself to Him. Give Him your heart. Give all the broken, shattered pieces to the only One who can glue them all back together. In the right time He will give you a man who will love every part of you. A man who will love you like Jesus does. 

There’s a quote that I really like by Paradise Fears that says “When all that’s left is your voice, you’ve got no choice but to raise it.” I can’t undo what has happened. I can’t keep other people from going through the same stuff I did. But I can do one thing. I can raise my voice for all those who can’t. I can tell my story which may be of help to those who are prisoners of silence. I will tell me story because it frees me. Because they only win when I become silent and my voice isn't heard. 

~KrissElise

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER SYMPTOMS  

(This is by no means a comprehensive list)

INCREASED ANXIETY AND EMOTIONAL AROUSAL

1.       Hypervigilance (On constant “red alert)

2.       Intense physical reactions e.g. Pounding heart, nausea, muscle tension…

3.       Irritability or outbursts of anger

4.       Irrational and intense fear

5.       Difficulty concentrating

6.       Panic attacks/anxiety/depression/mood swings

7.       Feeling jumpy and easily startled

8.       Difficulty falling or staying asleep

9.       Tense Muscles

AVOIDANCE AND NUMBING

1.       Inability to remember important aspect of the trauma

2.       Loss of interest in activities and life in general

3.       Feeling numb and empty

4.       Avoidance of people and places

5.       Feeling Isolated

6.       Social anxiety (feeling unsafe/anxious in big or crowded places)

RE-EXPERIENCING THE TRAUMATIC EVENT

1.       Flashbacks (Acting or feeling like the event is happening again)

2.       Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)

3.       Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma oneself

OTHER COMMON SYMPTOMS

1.       Feeling suicidal

2.       Self harm and self-destructive tendencies

3.       Feeling distrustful and suspicious

4.       Guilt, shame, embarrassment or self blame

5.       Misuse of alcohol/drugs/gambling and/or food

6.       Seeking out high-risk/dangerous pursuits

7.       Physical aches and pains