Random Thoughts of a Missionary Girl

So I've talked about my life in missions quite a bit, I've talked about the preparation, the excitement, the passion... but I haven't talked about the everyday life. The moments when you wonder if you even have a clue what you are doing. I'll let you into my life a little...

I don't simply go on mission trips. It's not just two weeks here, a month there and the rest of the time I live a normal life. (What is normal anyway?) The thing is when you give that part of your heart to God, to His service, something changes. From the day I asked Jesus to come into my life and be my Savior, He has been turning my life upside down, He has eradicated things from my life, sin, selfish desires, friends, family, lifestyle, wants, idols, complacency... honestly He hasn't left much, if anything the same. In the short twenty one years of my life I have been through more than most would have any clue by seeing my smiling face. Thing is I have come to realize that through the trials, through the fire, through dumping my life upside down He has been purifying me, setting me apart from the world for His purpose. And the day that I said "Yes I will go" my life changed. My heart changed. My desires and my world changed. Because suddenly my little world just got a whole lot bigger. I saw all these places around the world I never knew existed. Instead of numbers and statistics I saw faces. Instead of strangers, I saw somebody's little girl. I saw the slavery, sex trafficking, child labor, starvation, disease, poverty, desperation. I saw people in need and had a driving passion inside that said I needed to do something about it.

That was just about a year and a half ago. I had no clue what I was getting into, I'm not sure I even know now. I wouldn't trade my life of service to God for anything in this world but I'd be lying if I tried to pretend that sometimes I don't look at people my age living "normal lives" going to college, working steady jobs, having friends, doing what they want, having relationships, affording places to live, buying new cars, getting married and having babies... and a little part inside me wonder what that would be like. Some days I just want to go out and have fun, I want to have friends to hang out with and just be society's standard of normal. I want to have a relationship and hear him say I'm beautiful. When people ask where I'm going to school I want to be able to give them the name of some college. I want to watch the news and see the desperation, the lostness and be able to separate myself from it. I want to see my future as a "normal girl" get married, have kids and raise them here in my hometown. I want to serve myself. I want to make myself happy. That's the human side of me.  I so often feel like I'm this girl wandering around in a place where she doesn't belong, where she's surrounded by people who don't have a clue, who don't care, who don't want to understand and who think she's just a little on the crazy side.

Then there is that ever constant thought in the back of my mind. What if God wants me full time in another country? or even half-time? What would that look like? Could I completely give up my dreams and desires in exchange for Him? I know if He calls me I have no choice to go. But will I go willingly, or will I kick and scream until I realize once again that His plan, His purpose, no matter how hard is the most fulfilling thing I will ever do. Sometimes I lose sight of that in all the judgement and opinions of others about my life. Quite often I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on my life and wondering how I went from a little girl playing on the swing set to where I am now. 

One of the things that often leads me to lose focus is all the opinions of other people. I never realized that when I made the choice to follow God wherever He led that it would cause me to lose friends (almost all of them), that people would hate me for following Him, that the people closest to me would make me choose between them and God, I didn't realize I would lose everything that I thought held value. I never saw the "persecution" so to speak that would try to tear me away from my walk with God. I didn't realize how hard the powers of darkness would fight to stop me in my tracks.

Sometimes it all overwhelms me and again my fleshly desire just wants to stop. But I find myself once again grounded in God's word. Paul tells us in Corinthians..

"Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

"We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed."


"He died for all so that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for the One who died for them and was raised"

"I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And Philippians and Timothy... He goes on to tell us when we step out in faith to follow God we will be persecuted. So I am encouraged once again. Though the world tells me that I'm throwing my life away, though most of the time I don't really feel like I belong... I remember to Whom I belong, to Whom I'm pouring out my life for and I know that though I have a long ways to go I am doing something right. I also know that as I learn to follow God with radical faith and life out for Him, no matter how far He takes me I will always have a family that supports me, loves me, and pushes me on. And I'm pretty sure I'll cry every time Daddy says he's proud of me because I know that no matter who hates me for living my life for Christ that he is there smiling and rejoicing as I live my life in service to our great God, pouring out my heart and living the life that he has taught me by example of his faith. He's one of the most important guys in my life, and I will never take his love for granted because he didn't have to love me, but he chose to anyway.

So there are some random thoughts totally out of order but that's kinda how my mind runs. It flows down all these paths of where life could lead and then I end up just living moment to moment with faith that God will get me through, that somehow no matter what He calls me to do that He is going to give me the strength and desire to do so. May all the glory be His and His forever and ever.

~Kriss Beckman

A Peak Into My Mission Life

In 47 days I will be saying farewell to family and friends and will headed with Daddy and Mama to be dropped off at the Seattle airport to start my journey to Uganda. I sit here thinking about how time has seemed to slip by so fast. It seems like just the other day I was sitting down at the river telling God that He was crazy if He thought I was going to Uganda... and here I am going through all the final stages of preparation for my trip. It certainly has not been an easy journey and I know that Satan will try to stop me in any way he can but if there is one thing in my life I'm certain of, without doubt, is that Uganda is calling my name. This is what my life is about, spreading the gospel, sharing the lifesaving truth as I know it. Following God's lead and letting Him use this little small town girl for a bigger purpose than she ever dreamed of.

Getting into missions nobody ever warned me of how hard it is. I never realized how much was involved, how much time spent just getting everything ready so you can go. I didn't know how hard Satan fights you when you are doing crazy things for God. All the little details that have to be figured out. How very few people really understand what it's like to feel this burning passion in my heart and think I'm somehow wasting my life. How you come back from a mission trip kind of feeling like a foreigner in your own country. Things in your life change and you don't really even know how to live like a "normal" college age kid. These are things nobody tells you. But one thing I can say with confidence. Getting into missions has been one of the most fulfilling, satisfying, addicting things I have ever done. I don't regret my obedience to follow God for a moment because I know through all the hard stuff God is doing great things and He is granting me permission to be a part of that.

It's almost been ten months since I told God that I would follow Him to Uganda. Hours of time have been spent pouring over books, Bible passages, packing list, blogs from other missionaries, filling out forms, getting vaccinations, waiting for emails, writing letters, fundraising, shopping, finding suitcases, finding out information such as required shots to enter country, baggage limits, flight dates, coordinating to be dropped off and picked up at airports, preparing mentally, physically and spiritually to go to Africa for a month. Now comes down to all the last details, Malaria medicine, making sure all the money is where it's supposed to be, packing suitcases, finishing shopping for items I need, thank you cards to supporters, making sure all my flight stuff is right. Printing copies of everything to leave with my family, making sure I have enough funds, paying bills for while I'm gone, making luggage tags... all the while still trying to keep up with the rest of my life. Working my full time job, spending time with family, having time for devotions, teaching children's church. The list goes on. That is a little snapshot into my life.

The thing is, though sometimes all those details and the small things that have to be worked out here are sometimes very frustrating and overwhelming, the desire and passion for missions in my heart continues to grow. I know there is no better way I would rather spend my life. So maybe I don't go to college... maybe I won't get married... or have my own kids... maybe I will never own a house, a fancy car or have a retirement. Perhaps I'll never know what it's like to be a "normal" twenty-one year old. Who knows, maybe I will but regardless of anything that my flesh desires if even one child comes to Christ through my testimony, if even one single person accepts Jesus into their heart from my whole life in missions it will be a life worth living.

So though I know saying farewell to my family to travel over 8,000 miles to a foreign country will be one of the hardest things I ever do (and will probably do over and over) I am excited, and feel myself eager to step onto the plane, I feel the passion growing the closer I get to leaving, the more I know about Uganda, the more I see God work, the more my heart aches to be there. So many emotions. I know leaving Uganda will be really hard as well but will look forward to sharing God's testimony with my friends, family and neighbors here when I return.

Lord, Let Me Never Get Over Being Saved

Looking back upon my life there is one thing I never want to forget, never want to get tired of talking about and never want the feeling to go away. I never want to get over the moment of my salvation.

I want to remember the desperation, the dark place I was in. Living in sin as an enemy of God. Doing things my own way, living my own life, with eternal destiny for hell. Yet for years I didn't know what a desperate condition I was in. How dark the darkness is when we perceive that darkness to be light. I fought God for a long time. I had a good picture of Him in my mind when I was little, He was the "Santa Claus" God up there in the sky. All my opinions of Him were destroyed when circumstances shattered my life. I hated Him because He didn't stop the bad things from happening. Because in my mind He wasn't doing what was right. Thirteen years of living in the desperate place of being separate from God. Living life to make me happy. Focused on me and what I wanted. It took me hitting rock bottom to look up and see God. I was so self-centered that I went through life wondering why He didn't do something, why He didn't care and only in the moment when I took the focus off me and looked up to Him did I realize that He was there all along reaching out His hand just waiting for me to reach up to grasp it. In that moment I realized who I was as a sinful, lost person apart from God and I knew I needed Him. I knew I had no choice but to grasp that hand. Giving Him my life.

I didn't know in that moment exactly what all that would mean. But I gave my entire life to Him, my everything. I never regret that decision and I never want to get over the moment of being saved. The moment when the all powerful God, the creator of the entire universe looked down on one broken, teenage girl and said "I choose YOU. Come and be my daughter." When the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent God forgave my sins and gave me more than I can ever comprehend and all He wanted in exchange, was my heart, my soul and my life.

I never want to become so complacent that I forget or lessen the importance of what my God did for me. I don't want to become happy with my life, or living a life that pleases me in my human nature. I never want to stay in my comfort zone. I want a burning passion for Christ. I want to live this life with ONE focus. ONE goal. ONE mind. That is to bring glory to the Father and expand the eternal kingdom until the moment I breathe my last breathe and God calls me home. I want to burn with such a desire for Him that the world cannot distract me. Because in the end to hear the Father say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." Will be a life worth living. Any life lived for ourselves or the world is a waste of time.

I challenge you. Think back to the day of your salvation. Think of what God has done for you and follow Him with a selfless heart. Live for Him and I guarantee that you will find it is well worth it! Never get over being saved. 

The Sidewalk Tells All My Secrets

I was out for a walk today in our little tiny town. Listening to my music and lost in thought when I realized that the sidewalk  held my life story. The cracks that crisscross back and forth for all the hard time that hurt, all the pain that didn't shatter me but left cracks that were never healed. The chunks which had ended up somewhere in elsewhere for all the gaps of time that I have no memory of. The areas where the path was taken over by earth and grass for the times when Satan tried to claim victory over my path. The places where the concrete stands uneven were the places I tripped over and the mountains I had to climb. Spots that were sunken were the places I fell. People passing by never stop to notice, because it's insignificant, they don't even realize it needs fixed. The few who do notice either don't have the time or the interest in fixing it. One day the right person will come along and take the time to make it new. Like the insignificant girl who somebody finally stopped to notice, to look at long enough to see the pain and places where she was broke. Though many battles are fought the path still struggles on, through the brokenness, cracks and missing pieces it's still there. But the story doesn't end there if you take enough time to walk further down the path. If you look closely you will notice that little by little, the cracks become less, the destruction a little more minor, those are the places where hope was a light in the distance and life had a little bit of glow. Keep walking. There is a place where there is a whole section of concrete that is complete with only hairline cracks. That is the place where love was born. After that the sidewalk becomes very rough again as life crashed seeing what I wanted so bad but could reach it only with my fingertips. If you follow the sidewalk long enough you will find that some blocks of concrete have cracks, some are broken, some are barely there, each one stands for a day in life and what was conquered that day. Later on way down the path you will find sections of concrete that are complete, they are whole, they don't have cracks. That is the future and I'm not there yet. Someday though I will stand there and the wounds will be healed, the dirt washed away and everything complete. When in the end love is the greatest of it all.

~Kriss

Breaking Free Part 2

So here is a second blog post on the subject of breaking free from bondage. In the last post I made five points of what I've experienced and found to be the main steps to freedom.

1. Recognize that you are confined.
2. Acknowledge that you are confined.
3. Want to break free from the confinement.
4. Seek help.
5. Work through the steps to become free.


I talked about the first two in the last post and this one will be focused on points three and four. Wanting freedom and seeking help. I'm sure I will have a lot more thoughts on this subject than I will actually put in this post so will probably have another one on this topic down the road as I learn more.

The third step is wanting to break free from the bondage you are in. It sounds simple but as you work through whatever is holding you in chains you will begin to realize what I mean. You will have to really desire the freedom because the process in between will probably be one of the hardest things you will do in your life. There will be times that you just want to throw the towel in and give up, sleepless nights spent sobbing in your bed, pounding your fists against the wall in frustration. As I am breaking free from all the things that hold me captive, one really hard struggle in particular I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to just give up. To stop. Afraid of the change. Scared that I can't do it and it will be one more thing I fail at. But what keeps me going deep down inside is that desire to break free from all the things that hold me back from serving my God with radical faith, with an even deeper desire. To live life to the full extent that I was created for.

The fourth step may be the hardest out of the whole thing. Seeking help. I was so sure I could do this life on my own. I grew up learning to be independent. That I didn't need help. Somehow no matter how hard it got I could always figure it out. I didn't need anybody. All the secrets locked inside for fear people would find out, that they'd reject me, that they wouldn't love me anymore. It came very near to killing me. The thing is WE are the ones who have to make the decision to accept help. Whatever form that comes in. First and foremost is accepting Christ into our lives. Without Him we are destined for eternity in hell. When our eternity is secured in Christ He will put people in our lives to help us work through the struggles so that we can serve him with reckless abandon.

Depending on the struggle you are going through the kind of help you seek will differ. Sometimes it means trusting the opinion of somebody else instead of your own for a time. Doing what they tell you to do because they have your best interest in mind. Doing really hard things. Doing things you don't want to do and everything in you screams that you don't want to do it but you know it's the right choice. I know that in my struggles right now I had to give complete trust to my adoptive parents to make the right choices for me because I couldn't do that on my own. Slowly I am gaining that control back as I learn how to in ways that have my best interest in mind. It's meant me seeing a certified nutritionist which I won't pretend was easy, and also a christian counselor. Which scared me to death at the idea. I didn't want to. I told Daddy that I didn't want to. And I'm not sure exactly how it happened but I ended up going and the last meeting I left feeling really encouraged and good. There are simple every day choices where I stand there and debate over little things in this struggle. "Do I want to do what makes me feel good, or what honors God?" And more and more I'm choosing to throw my own wants and desires out the door because God's choices for me are so much better than my own.

I know I know that many are put off by me talking about my God so much but in the end. He is the One who is eternal. It's how we live our life for Him that matters. Everything else is temporary. And in my life when I follow and obey my God even when life sucks, battles rage and I'm struggling through the day He is still there, He is still good and I receive a deep sense of overall peace in my life that reigns above the chaos.

So please. If you are struggling. Go get that help that you need. Ask people in your life for help. Talk to people you trust. You will find that it is more than worth it. And the peace, joy and freedom that comes from letting go and letting God is absolutely amazing. For all those seeking help may God bless you. I know it's hard. I know it's tough. I know it sucks but you are strong, strong enough to carry on with Christ in you! Lean on God, trust Him! We are all in this together! May all the glory and honor and praise forever be to the One True King!! ~Kriss

Camas Lake Adventure!

Spring/summer hiking season has definitely started and I have gotten a late start this year. This is the first "real" hike of more than five miles this spring. Dale and I decided to take advantage of this Saturday and venture up to Camas Lake as it is a relatively moderate, short hike (7 miles round trip) to start the season. Leaving in the earlier part of the morning for the fifty mile drive to the trail head put us there about 9:30am.

The trail head is located about 9 miles up Lost Horse Rd

Being the first real hike of the season it took us a bit to get our stuff together which put us hiking by 10am. The trail starts out on an old logging road that turns into a hiking trail after just a short bit. After less than half hour of hiking there are two small creeks that are easy to cross.

The biggest of the two small creeks

One hour from the trail head we reached the rock fields which are close to half way there. (I believe you have cellphone service at this spot) At this point we only ran into a minimal amount of snow on the trail.

Checking the map to see where we are at

The amount of snow definitely kept increasing the father back we got. We reached the two creek crossings that have man made bridges half an hour later at 11:20am.

At this point you are about a third of the way to the lake but the next half mile or so is probably the steepest part of the trip before it levels out a bit into deep snow where we lost the trail as nobody had been up there since the snow.

Deep snow drifts but easy to walk on top of.

 We made it to the lake in just under two and a half hours from the trail head. We spent the next two hours enjoying ourselves in the middle of God's wondrous creation before heading back out. It was a very beautiful mile day for the hike.

Enjoying time together at the lake

Dale's new hiking stove

We finally got a chance to try out the new propane stove that Dale got for his birthday. It works really great and is super simple and handy as well as compact and light. We cooked some Bear Creak Cheddar Potato soup on it for lunch.

It was actually rather good with a dinner roll

There was a TON of snow up there!!!

We left the lake about 2:15 and got back to the truck about an hour later. Thankfully we had no problems with ticks at all, though it was still rather cold up there. It was a really nice hike and I can't wait to get out to the next trail that awaits us! ~Kriss

Journey From "I'm Not Going" to "This Is My Life"

I'm sitting here at the table this evening realizing that in exactly three months I will be sitting here spending the last evening with my family before heading on my one month trip to Uganda to serve with Rafiki Africa Ministries.

About eighteen months ago I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to Daddy about church stuff when he asked me a question that took me by surprise. Although I wasn't aware of it at the time that question would lead my life in a whole new direction. He asked me, "So what would it take for you to go on a mission trip?" I immediately had an answer for him. Which was a simple "No". Followed by a list of twenty reasons why that would never happen.

*I could never get the time off work
*Too much money
*Never want to fly in an airplane
*I don't get shots
*I don't like traveling
*I never want to leave the United States
*Too far out of my comfort zone
*I don't want to be away from my family
*I don't know enough
*I don't want to

Those are just a few of the many reasons I had that I couldn't go. Looking over at my answers I realize that most of them are just because I was selfish. It was about what I wanted and at that point I was more interested in staying in my comfort zone and doing what I wanted than listening to God. And I never really thought a little small town girl could really make a difference. But then over the course of time God kept working on my heart (and obedience) to Him and for missions and in January of 2014 I said yes to what God was laying on my heart to do. I called Dad and told him that I had no clue what I was doing or how I was gonna do it but I was ready to go. Being the practical, loving man he is, with excitement in his voice he said, "Great! Have you gotten your passport? How can we help?" Which was my introduction to the world of missions. Though being naive at that point I thought this was simply going on a two-week mission trip. So I got my passport, started raising money, getting all the paperwork done and wondering what in the world I was doing while my family supported me every step of the way. I don't think I would have ever been able to go without the incredible support I received from them. 

Upon returning from spending two weeks serving God among the people of Peru I knew without doubt that was only the beginning of my work overseas. I spent time at the river having quiet time with God and praying. I asked Him where I was to serve, what His plan was and asking Him to guide me. I was still getting back into the routines of being home and not really expecting an answer right then and was a little blown away when my question was answered with one place. UGANDA. I wasn't even sure where Uganda was and you would think my faith by now would be enough I'd trust God on this one but my response went something like "Uganda? Where is that? No way? That's ridiculous! Why Uganda? You really want me to go to Uganda?!" I went home wondering if maybe I was just going crazy. But during the next few days God confirmed what He told me. Yes I was supposed to go to Uganda. For a month. So I immediately went and told my family who were once again excited and ready to support me. 

What I didn't know at that time... is that Uganda would change my life. Before my bags are even packed part of my heart would belong to Uganda. I have no clue what I'm supposed to be feeling or if maybe I am just crazy but I have never felt more deeply connected to any place before. I have never felt such a burning, passionate desire to serve and make a difference in one place. The more I read, the more I find information and see their faces the more I know that part of me belongs there. I know that I haven't even stepped into the country and I've been told often that I have my whole life ahead of me, that I'm young and need to think about my future.. and maybe that's true but I know that the month I spend there this year is only the beginning. That in the next years I will spend more time there, perhaps much of my time. So right now my future is unknown and I'm okay with that. I would appreciate prayers as I find direction in my life. In the past couple years I have figured out that God doesn't like to leave me in my comfort zone for very long. I know that wherever He calls me for however long it is I will serve Him passionately and with desire for as long as I'm still breathing in this world.

~Until the whole world hears, Kriss