Random Thoughts of a Missionary Girl

So I've talked about my life in missions quite a bit, I've talked about the preparation, the excitement, the passion... but I haven't talked about the everyday life. The moments when you wonder if you even have a clue what you are doing. I'll let you into my life a little...

I don't simply go on mission trips. It's not just two weeks here, a month there and the rest of the time I live a normal life. (What is normal anyway?) The thing is when you give that part of your heart to God, to His service, something changes. From the day I asked Jesus to come into my life and be my Savior, He has been turning my life upside down, He has eradicated things from my life, sin, selfish desires, friends, family, lifestyle, wants, idols, complacency... honestly He hasn't left much, if anything the same. In the short twenty one years of my life I have been through more than most would have any clue by seeing my smiling face. Thing is I have come to realize that through the trials, through the fire, through dumping my life upside down He has been purifying me, setting me apart from the world for His purpose. And the day that I said "Yes I will go" my life changed. My heart changed. My desires and my world changed. Because suddenly my little world just got a whole lot bigger. I saw all these places around the world I never knew existed. Instead of numbers and statistics I saw faces. Instead of strangers, I saw somebody's little girl. I saw the slavery, sex trafficking, child labor, starvation, disease, poverty, desperation. I saw people in need and had a driving passion inside that said I needed to do something about it.

That was just about a year and a half ago. I had no clue what I was getting into, I'm not sure I even know now. I wouldn't trade my life of service to God for anything in this world but I'd be lying if I tried to pretend that sometimes I don't look at people my age living "normal lives" going to college, working steady jobs, having friends, doing what they want, having relationships, affording places to live, buying new cars, getting married and having babies... and a little part inside me wonder what that would be like. Some days I just want to go out and have fun, I want to have friends to hang out with and just be society's standard of normal. I want to have a relationship and hear him say I'm beautiful. When people ask where I'm going to school I want to be able to give them the name of some college. I want to watch the news and see the desperation, the lostness and be able to separate myself from it. I want to see my future as a "normal girl" get married, have kids and raise them here in my hometown. I want to serve myself. I want to make myself happy. That's the human side of me.  I so often feel like I'm this girl wandering around in a place where she doesn't belong, where she's surrounded by people who don't have a clue, who don't care, who don't want to understand and who think she's just a little on the crazy side.

Then there is that ever constant thought in the back of my mind. What if God wants me full time in another country? or even half-time? What would that look like? Could I completely give up my dreams and desires in exchange for Him? I know if He calls me I have no choice to go. But will I go willingly, or will I kick and scream until I realize once again that His plan, His purpose, no matter how hard is the most fulfilling thing I will ever do. Sometimes I lose sight of that in all the judgement and opinions of others about my life. Quite often I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on my life and wondering how I went from a little girl playing on the swing set to where I am now. 

One of the things that often leads me to lose focus is all the opinions of other people. I never realized that when I made the choice to follow God wherever He led that it would cause me to lose friends (almost all of them), that people would hate me for following Him, that the people closest to me would make me choose between them and God, I didn't realize I would lose everything that I thought held value. I never saw the "persecution" so to speak that would try to tear me away from my walk with God. I didn't realize how hard the powers of darkness would fight to stop me in my tracks.

Sometimes it all overwhelms me and again my fleshly desire just wants to stop. But I find myself once again grounded in God's word. Paul tells us in Corinthians..

"Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

"We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed."


"He died for all so that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for the One who died for them and was raised"

"I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

And Philippians and Timothy... He goes on to tell us when we step out in faith to follow God we will be persecuted. So I am encouraged once again. Though the world tells me that I'm throwing my life away, though most of the time I don't really feel like I belong... I remember to Whom I belong, to Whom I'm pouring out my life for and I know that though I have a long ways to go I am doing something right. I also know that as I learn to follow God with radical faith and life out for Him, no matter how far He takes me I will always have a family that supports me, loves me, and pushes me on. And I'm pretty sure I'll cry every time Daddy says he's proud of me because I know that no matter who hates me for living my life for Christ that he is there smiling and rejoicing as I live my life in service to our great God, pouring out my heart and living the life that he has taught me by example of his faith. He's one of the most important guys in my life, and I will never take his love for granted because he didn't have to love me, but he chose to anyway.

So there are some random thoughts totally out of order but that's kinda how my mind runs. It flows down all these paths of where life could lead and then I end up just living moment to moment with faith that God will get me through, that somehow no matter what He calls me to do that He is going to give me the strength and desire to do so. May all the glory be His and His forever and ever.

~Kriss Beckman

A Peak Into My Mission Life

In 47 days I will be saying farewell to family and friends and will headed with Daddy and Mama to be dropped off at the Seattle airport to start my journey to Uganda. I sit here thinking about how time has seemed to slip by so fast. It seems like just the other day I was sitting down at the river telling God that He was crazy if He thought I was going to Uganda... and here I am going through all the final stages of preparation for my trip. It certainly has not been an easy journey and I know that Satan will try to stop me in any way he can but if there is one thing in my life I'm certain of, without doubt, is that Uganda is calling my name. This is what my life is about, spreading the gospel, sharing the lifesaving truth as I know it. Following God's lead and letting Him use this little small town girl for a bigger purpose than she ever dreamed of.

Getting into missions nobody ever warned me of how hard it is. I never realized how much was involved, how much time spent just getting everything ready so you can go. I didn't know how hard Satan fights you when you are doing crazy things for God. All the little details that have to be figured out. How very few people really understand what it's like to feel this burning passion in my heart and think I'm somehow wasting my life. How you come back from a mission trip kind of feeling like a foreigner in your own country. Things in your life change and you don't really even know how to live like a "normal" college age kid. These are things nobody tells you. But one thing I can say with confidence. Getting into missions has been one of the most fulfilling, satisfying, addicting things I have ever done. I don't regret my obedience to follow God for a moment because I know through all the hard stuff God is doing great things and He is granting me permission to be a part of that.

It's almost been ten months since I told God that I would follow Him to Uganda. Hours of time have been spent pouring over books, Bible passages, packing list, blogs from other missionaries, filling out forms, getting vaccinations, waiting for emails, writing letters, fundraising, shopping, finding suitcases, finding out information such as required shots to enter country, baggage limits, flight dates, coordinating to be dropped off and picked up at airports, preparing mentally, physically and spiritually to go to Africa for a month. Now comes down to all the last details, Malaria medicine, making sure all the money is where it's supposed to be, packing suitcases, finishing shopping for items I need, thank you cards to supporters, making sure all my flight stuff is right. Printing copies of everything to leave with my family, making sure I have enough funds, paying bills for while I'm gone, making luggage tags... all the while still trying to keep up with the rest of my life. Working my full time job, spending time with family, having time for devotions, teaching children's church. The list goes on. That is a little snapshot into my life.

The thing is, though sometimes all those details and the small things that have to be worked out here are sometimes very frustrating and overwhelming, the desire and passion for missions in my heart continues to grow. I know there is no better way I would rather spend my life. So maybe I don't go to college... maybe I won't get married... or have my own kids... maybe I will never own a house, a fancy car or have a retirement. Perhaps I'll never know what it's like to be a "normal" twenty-one year old. Who knows, maybe I will but regardless of anything that my flesh desires if even one child comes to Christ through my testimony, if even one single person accepts Jesus into their heart from my whole life in missions it will be a life worth living.

So though I know saying farewell to my family to travel over 8,000 miles to a foreign country will be one of the hardest things I ever do (and will probably do over and over) I am excited, and feel myself eager to step onto the plane, I feel the passion growing the closer I get to leaving, the more I know about Uganda, the more I see God work, the more my heart aches to be there. So many emotions. I know leaving Uganda will be really hard as well but will look forward to sharing God's testimony with my friends, family and neighbors here when I return.

Lord, Let Me Never Get Over Being Saved

Looking back upon my life there is one thing I never want to forget, never want to get tired of talking about and never want the feeling to go away. I never want to get over the moment of my salvation.

I want to remember the desperation, the dark place I was in. Living in sin as an enemy of God. Doing things my own way, living my own life, with eternal destiny for hell. Yet for years I didn't know what a desperate condition I was in. How dark the darkness is when we perceive that darkness to be light. I fought God for a long time. I had a good picture of Him in my mind when I was little, He was the "Santa Claus" God up there in the sky. All my opinions of Him were destroyed when circumstances shattered my life. I hated Him because He didn't stop the bad things from happening. Because in my mind He wasn't doing what was right. Thirteen years of living in the desperate place of being separate from God. Living life to make me happy. Focused on me and what I wanted. It took me hitting rock bottom to look up and see God. I was so self-centered that I went through life wondering why He didn't do something, why He didn't care and only in the moment when I took the focus off me and looked up to Him did I realize that He was there all along reaching out His hand just waiting for me to reach up to grasp it. In that moment I realized who I was as a sinful, lost person apart from God and I knew I needed Him. I knew I had no choice but to grasp that hand. Giving Him my life.

I didn't know in that moment exactly what all that would mean. But I gave my entire life to Him, my everything. I never regret that decision and I never want to get over the moment of being saved. The moment when the all powerful God, the creator of the entire universe looked down on one broken, teenage girl and said "I choose YOU. Come and be my daughter." When the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent God forgave my sins and gave me more than I can ever comprehend and all He wanted in exchange, was my heart, my soul and my life.

I never want to become so complacent that I forget or lessen the importance of what my God did for me. I don't want to become happy with my life, or living a life that pleases me in my human nature. I never want to stay in my comfort zone. I want a burning passion for Christ. I want to live this life with ONE focus. ONE goal. ONE mind. That is to bring glory to the Father and expand the eternal kingdom until the moment I breathe my last breathe and God calls me home. I want to burn with such a desire for Him that the world cannot distract me. Because in the end to hear the Father say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." Will be a life worth living. Any life lived for ourselves or the world is a waste of time.

I challenge you. Think back to the day of your salvation. Think of what God has done for you and follow Him with a selfless heart. Live for Him and I guarantee that you will find it is well worth it! Never get over being saved. 

The Sidewalk Tells All My Secrets

I was out for a walk today in our little tiny town. Listening to my music and lost in thought when I realized that the sidewalk  held my life story. The cracks that crisscross back and forth for all the hard time that hurt, all the pain that didn't shatter me but left cracks that were never healed. The chunks which had ended up somewhere in elsewhere for all the gaps of time that I have no memory of. The areas where the path was taken over by earth and grass for the times when Satan tried to claim victory over my path. The places where the concrete stands uneven were the places I tripped over and the mountains I had to climb. Spots that were sunken were the places I fell. People passing by never stop to notice, because it's insignificant, they don't even realize it needs fixed. The few who do notice either don't have the time or the interest in fixing it. One day the right person will come along and take the time to make it new. Like the insignificant girl who somebody finally stopped to notice, to look at long enough to see the pain and places where she was broke. Though many battles are fought the path still struggles on, through the brokenness, cracks and missing pieces it's still there. But the story doesn't end there if you take enough time to walk further down the path. If you look closely you will notice that little by little, the cracks become less, the destruction a little more minor, those are the places where hope was a light in the distance and life had a little bit of glow. Keep walking. There is a place where there is a whole section of concrete that is complete with only hairline cracks. That is the place where love was born. After that the sidewalk becomes very rough again as life crashed seeing what I wanted so bad but could reach it only with my fingertips. If you follow the sidewalk long enough you will find that some blocks of concrete have cracks, some are broken, some are barely there, each one stands for a day in life and what was conquered that day. Later on way down the path you will find sections of concrete that are complete, they are whole, they don't have cracks. That is the future and I'm not there yet. Someday though I will stand there and the wounds will be healed, the dirt washed away and everything complete. When in the end love is the greatest of it all.

~Kriss