"Here I am again, 4:15am crying and hurting so bad I'm throwing up. I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion only to find him in my dreams again and wake up with a scream on my lips. Not even the cold metal against my skin or the warmth of blood on my fingers can dull this pain inside tonight. I'm living in a prison, screaming out and slamming my fists against the walls and nobody can hear me. And even if they could, nobody would really care. I'm surrounded by a million people but nobody really cares enough to see that I'm not really living. I'm dying from the inside out but still plaster a smile on my face so they don't have to feel bad. I hate this box. I hate being invisible. I hate that I let him do that to me. But what's the point? It's not like it will really matter when they bury me in a box. Nobody will ever even know what happened that night or all the nights before. They'll never know that this little girl hurt so bad and felt so invisible that she'd run to somebody just to hear the words "I Love You" just to hear someone recognize her even though she knew it was all a lie. People say guns kill. Knives kill. Drugs kill. Pills kill. Suicide kills. It's not true... it's being invisible, lonely and unloved that kills. I'm tired of fighting, tired of being not good enough. I wanna go for a drive and never come back... I wanna drive up into the mountains and see how far my car can fly when it hits the turn... I wanna know how long it would take them to find my rusted car at the bottom of the canyon.... I wanna know if they'd care enough to cry.... I wonder if there is one person in this world whose life would really change if I were gone. Or maybe... I'd just be another invisible statistic. I might write tomorrow.... if I make it through tonight.. we will see. Tomorrow is Sunday and I work so maybe I'll try and fight a few more days cause Ken usually comes in on Sundays I think when they get done with church or something. I hate the fact that I actually care if he comes in but because I swore I'd never care again, but even though I don't know him he seems like the only person who really sees me. And for like two seconds I feel okay..." ~Kriss *Fall 2012*
Every time I read back over my journal entries like this I just want to cry because of the overwhelming love of my Father in heaven. Because He loved me so much to reach down in such a desperate time and turn my focus to Him. The amount of stuff I've gone through in my life is sometimes really overwhelming. But with each trial God was drawing me nearer to Him. There came a time when I had absolutely nothing... and somebody which happened to be the guy Ken who came into the grocery store where I worked urged me to give it one more try. So I talked with God. I told Him if He could take my failures, my broken self, all the dirt, if I was still worth it to Him.. I told Him I would give Him the little bit I had to offer which was a messed up shell of a person. That's when I gave Him all the pieces and He began to work. It wasn't an easy process because you will find when God wants all of us there is no area in our lives that we can keep for ourselves. I constantly fought Him. And when it came down to following God and losing my biological family... I swear that's the hardest choice I've ever made is to say, "Jesus, I will follow you, no matter the cost." It hurt, I broke (still do sometimes) and God has been in the process of refining me for the past 3+ years.
Today... I am sold out for Jesus, I told Him I would go when He says go and stay when He says stay. Some days are a struggle and sometimes life sucks. But at the end of the day all I can do is be overwhelmed by what God has done in my life. How far He has brought me. Many times I don't get beyond "Thank you God for being so good, for loving me so unconditionally.." But I am sure that He can read the tears that are flowing down my face. He's placed me in a good family, He's given me some great friends, He taught me how to serve Him, He gave me kids to teach, He has done such amazing things in my life that it is becoming harder and harder for the world to tear my gaze off of my Jesus. He is my world. He is my everything. He is so good. He loves me unconditionally. I am His daughter and I am loved.
I will go anywhere,
I will do anything,
I will give up all,
I will let Him run my life,
And no matter what people say...
It's no sacrifice.
I'll try to keep blogging some more. You will find more and more of my life story being told. Not for sympathy, not for attention, not for likes, comments or shares. Only for the glory of my Jesus. So please let Him draw you near, open your heart to Him and let Him in. I guarantee you will never be the same again and it is well worth it. Keep up the good fight, stay in the race, focus your eyes on Christ.
~KrissElise
