I'm All Yours

By KrissElise January, 2014

My lips were the ones who mocked you,

I despised and I rejected you,

I turned my back on you I didn't care,

You were beaten yet you never said a word,

You died the death of a criminal and it was me, 

That took the hammer and the nails and drove it through your hands,

Yes it was my sin that held you there,

You were pierced for my rebellion,

You were crushed for my sins,

Beaten so that I could be whole,

Whipped so I could be healed,

You took the punishment so I could be freed,

So at the cross I kneel as my heart cries out to you,

Oh Jesus I've hit the bottom I don't know what to do,

I can't do this on my own I need you now,

Come into my life, move me, change me,

Make me all yours Lord, all yours,

Nothing more, nothing less, make me yours oh Lord,

You were pierced for my rebellion,

You were crushed for my sins,

Beaten so that I could be whole,

Whipped so I could be healed,

You took the punishment so I could be freed,

Jesus you took my sin, you died in my place,

It should've been me that was held there on the cross,

But you chose to die instead, so I can be a child of God's,

Don't let me live for myself, not now,

Not after what you did for me, no,

All I am is yours Lord, all I am is yours, all in me, all I am, all yours...

Choosing Forgiveness

I have found that in life we go through seasons. Thankfully God doesn't have us work on everything all at once. It seems that He gives us something to work on and when we've finally figured that out or gotten better He will show us the next thing in life that we need to work on to continue molding our lives into His image. The list of things he's had me working on these past few years is endless. This year started out with forgiveness and has continued with it. I am constantly being taken to another level of forgiving. So often I have found we only go to the level of forgiving somebody as long as it's not too uncomfortable for us. As long as we don't have to sacrifice much. As long as they didn't do something "too bad".

We find it fairly easy to forgive the simple things people do to wrong us. But what about when things get harder? What about when you are sexually assaulted? Not just once but multiple times? This is something I've struggled with for awhile. I've gotten so many opinions on how I should, if I should or that I shouldn't forgive the man who did this. This isn't something I've talked about a lot because I've always been worried about people's reactions. More often than not when I talk about it people are mad at me, for various reasons, some people just don't like talking about it at all, and others just don't understand. I'm not necessarily writing this for you. I'm writing for the people like me. The people who have been forced into awful things. The ones who struggle daily with aspects of life because of what happened. The people who are shamed, talked into silence and not believed. The ones who want to forgive but feel like people tell them it's wrong. People who don't want to live the victim role for the rest of their lives but can't seem to escape it. This is for you. Because I've been there.

Below I'm going to post a little poem I wrote awhile back. Writing has always been one of the ways for me to get my thoughts out, to let things go, and to tell the world that I won't be silent. I'm going to tell my story, because I think it matters. But more than anything because I believe that when we become silent. They win.

To Be Killed and Nobody Knows

I’m drowning, choking, suffocating,

Instinct tells me to fight back, but his

Iron grip is shooting pain through my veins,

His weight feels like a semi truck on my body,

A scream dies in my throat and I go limp,

He forces me to look in his eyes,

His mouth meets mine and I can taste

The alcohol on his breath, I want to vomit,

As his rough hands tear my shirt away

A blackness sets in and I feel nothing,

I have no clue what’s happening,

All I know is I’m absolutely alone,

But at least for once, I’m making somebody happy,

Even if it’s killing me, maybe this was my purpose,

Maybe I’m alive just to be killed over and over again,

The darkness takes over and I lie still,

Dead to emotion, dead to the world.

And nobody knows.

~KrissElise

For those who don't know what it's like. There's a little snippet of the moment. Which doesn't even begin to tell the after effects. The flashbacks. The nightmares. 

So the question that I asked God was... "How in the world do I forgive this man?" 

I've had many people tell me that I don't need to. That I don't have to forgive somebody for something "that bad" 

And then I read Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

To me that verse is black and white. I'm not a theologian. I couldn't tell you the Greek words it was written in but I can tell you one thing. If I am to forgive as God in Christ forgave me... key word being "as" which is a measure comparison of things equal. So am am to forgive the same as Christ forgave me. Wow. That means, the dirty, wretched sinner, the enemy of God, the slanderer, hater, full of wickedness, idolator... (that was me and every person before Christ made us new) that means that I owe the forgiveness which was undeserved, that washed me white and clean as snow. I owe that to every person who has hurt me. Including the man who done the unthinkable, the people who have threatened me, the ones who let me down.... I don't see that this gives an out to not forgive somebody. Or that there is anybody we aren't required to forgive. There are many other verses about forgiveness in the Bible as well. And I never see where we get an out to hold onto bitterness.

However, just because the truth is black and white doesn't make it easy. It doesn't justify what he did. It doesn't mean I don't still go through hell because of it. It doesn't mean that it won't effect my life in many ways. It doesn't mean he won't stand before God and be judged someday. So what does it mean? Forgiveness means I don't have to hold onto the hate, forgiveness means I get to be free, that I get to make a choice, yes it's my choice. To pray for that man, to ask God that he would come to the point of receiving Christ, that he would know the love that I know, that he may receive ultimate forgiveness. Forgiveness means I recognize that you hurt me, you did me wrong, but I'm not going to stay bound by the chains. That's where Satan wants me. He loves when I hold onto that anger, because it keeps that part of my life from being given completely over to God. It creates impurity in my heart. It's my choice to not live as a victim of circumstance. There's a part of song that comes to mind that Jeremy camp wrote;

"The same power that rose Jesus from the grave
The same power that commands the dead to wake
Lives in us, lives in us
The same power that moves mountains when He speaks
The same power that can calm a raging sea
Lives in us, lives in us
He lives in us, lives in us"

I have that power living inside of me. Which means that I don't have to live as a victim. I can rise and overcome the circumstances in my life, because I have the almighty power of God inside of me. That's why I choose to break free and live. That's why I choose to forgive. That's why I choose not to be a victim. That's why I choose to speak. Because as long as I can form words, I will not be silent. I will speak the truth even when it's hard, and even when in this world I stand alone, because God's power is in me and I can live a full and victorious life through Him. I will never be silent.

~KrissElise

IF

If you saw me on the street, I wonder,

Would you stop? Or would you pass on by?

Pretend you didn’t notice me, go your way,

If you got the chance to hold me,

Would you hold me tenderly?

Or would you refuse to touch me,

Afraid that I’ll contaminate you,

If you got the chance for a do-over,

Would you take it? Would you spend more time?

Or would you still shut me inside that invisible cage?

If I looked into your eyes,

Would I see your love for me?

Or would it still be that disappointed stare,

Through your blank and emotionless eyes,

If I put my ear to your chest,

Would I hear that your heart beats for me?

Or would I find that it doesn’t beat at all?

If I died tonight,

Would you wish to turn back the hands of time?

Or would you just show up,

Pretend you care, pretend to show emotion,

Then go home and continue your life?

If you saw me now, living my life,

Would you realize that you missed out?

That you didn’t get to be a part of these years,

Would you be happy for me?

Or would you hate that I’m living a beautiful life?

If you saw me now would you want me?

Or would I still be just as worthless?

If you could see me now…. Would you want to call me yours?

Cause all I hear from you is… Stone… Cold…. Silence….

And the children’s laughter down the hall,

It drowns out all the dark, it pushes you out of my mind,

What is one more day without you?

I never even really knew what it was like,

To spend a day with you,

I may want you, but I don’t really need you,

You proved that to me, by letting me walk this world alone,

I may want your approval, but I don’t need it,

So here’s to the rest of my life,

I live for an audience of One,

And that one is my Jesus.

~KrissElise

Changes and an Update

The first two months of 2016 have started out with lots of changes. Most of them are exciting changes but changes nonetheless. 

January started off with bidding my grandmother Delores farewell as she left this world to spend the rest of her life with our precious Jesus.

The year continued with getting to visit relatives I haven't seen in years and meet my sweet little niece KayLee.. bittersweet.

Two of our local churches are joining together as one. It's been incredible watching what God is doing among two bodies of believers to join them in unity.

Moving on from teaching children's church and into teaching the teens as God leads has been an interesting challenge. I know that God will be constantly teaching me humility, love, patience and wisdom as he leads me to teach them. I look forward to the journey of growth I will be able to see in each of the teens as well as in my own life. 

I've been able to really start connecting with a group of college age students who join together on Tuesday evenings to read the Word, fellowship and pray together. Relationships have been deepening and blossoming and I can't wait to see where it leads.

Making plans to return to Uganda this fall is something I'm really looking forward to. Lots of preparation to get ready for that, I'm super eager to get back over there and into the little village where I will be staying for just short of two months. 

And I am finally getting better after being sick for 5+ weeks. I am really looking forward to what God has planned over the summer. Starting off with the MPact Montana Conference next week that is always really good. 

I decided at the beginning of 2016 that this would be a year of stepping out of my comfort zone and living on the edge. So far it's been an exciting adventure. :) Keep in touch with my blog as I'll be trying to blog more as well this year. 

Until then, keep the faith, fight the good fight and keep your eyes focused on Jesus.

~KrissElise